Beast Banner March 2007
ISSUE #114
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Features

ArrowSchlep Boys
Failing forward in one act

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Britney Budget
Matt Taibbi

ArrowEeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe
Blogger and journalist Brad Friedman of The Brad Blog on the hijacking of democracy and more

ArrowObama
The best BS artist since Slick Willy

Matt Taibbi

ArrowSweet Nothings
Lies my paper told me

Allan Uthman

ArrowMenace in Seat 36F
Based on a True Story

Michael J. Smith

ArrowBEAST gets poetic on dat ass!
Saul Williams schools us on Hip Hop and our choice of lunch

ArrowCelebrity Buttholes Will Be the End of Us
A. Monkey

ArrowThe BEAST Melanin / Electability Index

ArrowThe Truth Spin
Sometimes, honesty really is the best policy

Allan Uthman

ArrowTV Highlights
CBSs Numb3rs signals the end of the end of the American Empire

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Departments
ArrowKino Korner: Movies
The Abandoned, Wild Hogs, The Number 23, Zodiac, Reno 911!: Miami, Amazing Grace, Black Snake Moan, Shooter, The Astronaut Farmer, Inland Empire

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
The Pussy of the Christ, How Great We Art, Dumb Shit, PhD, All You Need is Loathe and more

 

Kino Korner

 


The Abandoned | Wild Hogs | The Number 23 | Zodiac
Reno 911!: Miami | Amazing Grace | Black Snake Moan
Shooter | The Astronaut Farmer | Inland Empire


The Number 23

If it wasn’t bad enough watching Robin Williams go from playing hyperactive asshats to reinventing himself as a mediocre dramatic actor, you can now tighten those stomach muscles and go to that happy place again because Jim Carrey’s doing it. He’s starring in The Number 23, a story about what I’m guessing is supposed to be a seemingly normal guy who starts reading a book about the number 23. All of these trivial occurrences throughout history and he goes batshit. Selena was 23 when she died, so The Man is out to get Jim Carrey. Johnny Carson was born and died on the 23rd day of the month, so Carrey’s wife is a slut. Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times so Carrey’s kids aren’t his. Oh, and Dr. Pepper is supposedly a blend of 23 flavors so Armageddon is coming soon. I’m sure some kind of contrived alternate reality comes into play because I saw some really shitty tribal tattoos on Carrey and the inescapable Virginia Madsen went from being a blonde to a brunette with chop shop bangs at one point in the trailer.

All I know is that I want to punch Jim Carrey 23 times in the face for that stupid haircut and I want to kick director Joel Schumacher in the balls 529 (23 squared) times for still making horrible, horrible movies. What!? Some grad student with OCD who can’t decide if he wants to be a math geek or a screenwriter loads up on Red Bull and skunk weed and we’ve got to sit through this crap? Oh, and we’re so fucking clever putting it out on February 23rd! Oooooh!

 

 

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