| Schlep Boys
Failing forward in one act.
[Scene takes place in the interior of an auto repair garage. Charles Krauthammer is seated behind a counter. America walks up and addresses Krauthammer.]
America: Hey, I've got a problem here.
Krauthammer: Welcome to Kristol and Krauthammer Kollision. Can I help you?
America: Uh—yeah I was just in here... I paid you guys to fix my car? It was making a knocking sound?
America: Yeah, it broke down in your driveway right there.
Krauthammer: Oh dear.
America: Yeah, and...uh...
Krauthammer: Let me get the guys. Bill! Tom! Peter!
[William Kristol, Thomas Friedman and Peter Beinart approach. They are well dressed and clean, bearing no signs of having been engaged in auto repair work.]
Krauthammer: This guy says we messed up his car.
Kristol: No way, hehe.
Beinart: Damn, I knew it.
America: Listen, it's not just you didn't fix it. I looked under the hood—
Kristol: Damn, hehe.
America: [Growing impatient] Yeah, I looked under the hood, and—I can't believe I'm saying this—I looked under the hood, and my engine's not there. And uh... instead of the engine, there's a... a pig in there, on a treadmill, and a monkey. The monkey's not moving.
Friedman: Yeah, we had to replace the engine.
America: Replace it? There's a pig and a dead monkey in there! What the hell? You guys are supposed to be good at this?
Beinart: Dead? Oh god...
Kristol: Well, hehe, that explains your problem, hehe.
America: Yes, dead. There's a dead monkey with a whip taped to his hand and two wires stuck into his side. And a goddamn pig in a harness on a treadmill!
Krauthammer: [Amused] What's going on here, guys?
Friedman: Well, how else were we going to get the pig to run, besides training a monkey to whip it when electrically shocked?
America: That's completely insane! Why not just fix the damn engine?
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