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ISSUE #114
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Features

ArrowSchlep Boys
Failing forward in one act

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Britney Budget
Matt Taibbi

ArrowEeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe
Blogger and journalist Brad Friedman of The Brad Blog on the hijacking of democracy and more

ArrowObama
The best BS artist since Slick Willy

Matt Taibbi

ArrowSweet Nothings
Lies my paper told me

Allan Uthman

ArrowMenace in Seat 36F
Based on a True Story

Michael J. Smith

ArrowBEAST gets poetic on dat ass!
Saul Williams schools us on Hip Hop and our choice of lunch

ArrowCelebrity Buttholes Will Be the End of Us
A. Monkey

ArrowThe BEAST Melanin / Electability Index

ArrowThe Truth Spin
Sometimes, honesty really is the best policy

Allan Uthman

ArrowTV Highlights
CBSs Numb3rs signals the end of the end of the American Empire

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Departments
ArrowKino Korner: Movies
The Abandoned, Wild Hogs, The Number 23, Zodiac, Reno 911!: Miami, Amazing Grace, Black Snake Moan, Shooter, The Astronaut Farmer, Inland Empire

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
The Pussy of the Christ, How Great We Art, Dumb Shit, PhD, All You Need is Loathe and more

 

TV Highlights
CBS’s “Numb3rs” signals the end of the end of the American Empire
By BEAST Guest Television Critic Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

America has been in trouble for quite some time: an ever widening income gap, the corruption of the teachings of Jesus (PBUH), crumbling infrastructure, manufacturer outsourcing, a paltry health and education system, a lying Jew-infested press, a two-party system in the pocket of big business, an administration run roughshod over constitutional law, the “music” of Lindsay Lohan and internationally condemned aggression all slowly chipping away in unison at your society from the inside, creating a barren cultural vacuum where diseased idiotic consumerism strives to fill the void. Everything from your sensationalized and overly ratings-conscious news outlets to your popular dramas are infused with the fantastic and the impossible. A society that values truth: you are not. Nothing makes this point clearer than “Numb3rs” (CBS, Friday 10pm).

Some of your most popular prime-time television distractions involve the supernatural: “Lost,” “Heroes,” “Medium,” “The Motherfucking Ghost Whisperer.” The rest fall into a few basic categories:  crime/terrorism drama, hospital drama, “reality” shows and sitcoms devoid of meaningful social commentary or hilarious anti-Semitism. Your networks have not one but two highly rated fear-fueling dramas in “24” and “Jericho” in which the United States has been assaulted by nuclear attacks, in the later, months after radioactive mushroom clouds have brought industrialized society to a complete standstill everyone’s hair is perfect, their teeth whiter than white - go figure. You have a slew of authority worshipping police dramas in the “Bones” and “CSI” vein, where forensic science is portrayed as magic, no one is read their rights and police routinely punch people in the stomach with no consequence. What cruel irony that the country with the highest percentage of its population behind bars, a nation without a viable healthcare system, just can’t get enough “Law and Order” and “House MD.” You fools!

All these popular programs involve the suspension of belief and can be easily trashed for terrible writing that simply doesn’t reflect reality. What makes “Numb3rs” stand out as the death knell of your already decomposing society is that it makes a supernatural character out of mathematics. The show’s popularity is a clear indicator that Americans are devolving into a species of sub-human trolls incapable of even the slightest capacity to reason.

Starring a nasally Rob Morrow (Fleishman from “Northern Exposure”) as “a dedicated FBI agent,” David Krumholtz (curly haired Zionist scum) as his “mathematical genius brother” and Judd Hirsch (you know Judd Hirsch) as the eccentric father completing the Jewwy trifecta, “Numb3rs” purports to be “[i]nspired by actual events, the series depicts how the confluence of police work and mathematics provides unexpected revelations and answers to the most perplexing criminal questions.” Really? Because after watching a few painful episodes, I was positive the series was based on the infidel writers’ completely dumb-fuck understanding of the physical world. Also the math genius character has stolen my casual-no-tie look. First Barrack Obama and now this guy? That is totally my thing! I am slandered and hated in your Zionist propaganda spewing press, yet you guys just can’t help cribbing my style – not cool, America.

The typical episode of “Numb3rs,” which is spelled incorrectly I might add, details police work at its worst. There’s an unsolved case and everyone’s baffled. Enter “math genius.” He fills up a blackboard or a piece of plexiglass (?) with a huge, unruly equation which proves something that could never be explained with math and that should have been common sense to even the dumbest American cop. He shouts “ah-ha!” and calls all the regular cast of characters into a poorly lit room with an over abundance of vertical blinds and flat screen computer monitors. He says something like “factoring in the variable of gang activity and the spiciness of sausages, we reach a conclusion that either the body was found where the man was killed or the body was moved after his death.” Well dip my dick in gold and call it a greedy hook-nosed victim of the “Holocaust!” The case has been solved – and all with the power of bogus math!

 “Numb3rs” is fake smart for dumb people and the fact that it’s been on the air for over a year speaks volumes about your decline as a nation. No other country in the world would go for this bilge, not even the criminal inbred stingray-stabbing Aussies. In a land where everyone and their unclean mother rails against a Snickers commercial with two men accidentally kissing (a nougatty abomination in the eyes of Allah), one would expect some form of protest against “Numb3rs” as an insult to reason. Instead what one sees on the website is an endorsement from your National Council of Teachers of Mathematics and fun classroom activities for teachers. How very sad for your country. Only 200 years in existence and you’ve already given up on objective reality. As a goodwill gesture to the American people I suggest a sterilization initiative based on “Numb3rs” viewership. Allowing these people to procreate would be a disaster for your nation and the world. Otherwise, in a few short years The Great Satan will be seeking international help to wipe its own ass! Long live The Islamic Republic of Iran!

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the current president of Iran, a Fullbright Scholar of Beardliness and a contributing editor for Dog Fancy.

 

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