Aries (March 21-April 19)

If there were ever a case to be made for karma, Aries, it’s your diseased colon. Toeing the Republican line over at FOX News was bad enough, but becoming press secretary? You can only sit on the truth so long before it crawls up your ass and kills you, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, if you say the word “Sanjaya” one more time, I’ll be forced to consult my book of spells and have you struck by lighting. If that doesn’t work out I’ll just run you over with my car.

Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

What happened to you, Gemini? In the late seventies and early eighties you really knew how to mistreat and hold on to your hostages. You’d keep them for years without flinching, but now you give them tea, force a confession, parade them in front of the cameras and let them go as an “Easter gift?” Weak, Gemini.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Way to go for standing up to O’Reilly, Cancer! Being able to delineate between immigration and drunk driving issues almost redeems you for gluing that poor hamster to your upper lip.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, you need to calm down and face the facts. Your cat’s kidneys are not failing because of tainted Chinese wheat gluten; it’s failing because it drinks heavily when you leave the house.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, your recent tour of a Baghdad market caught you a lot of flak because the 100 troops, 2 Blackhawk helicopters, gun ships and Kevlar vest protecting you made your claims of “progress” laughable. But did you know the day after you left insurgents murdered 21 grocers from the very same market? Way to go, putz.

Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

Your recent proclamation to become “the Robert Mugabe of the soprano saxophone” will turn out as badly as the time you aimed to be “the Kenny G of Zimbabwean politics.”

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Your mother isn’t really that hot, Scorpio, and even if she were, that’s a really creepy thing to say.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Sagittarius, although you may be inclined to support a Fred Thompson bid for president because of the credibility he projected on Law & Order, it’s important to remember he was also in Aces: Iron Eagles III.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Capricorn, all those whale fat sandwiches aren’t fooling anyone. Everyone knows your not a real Inuit.  Poser.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

I’ve consulted the stars for you, Aquarius, and they recommend you try converting hydrogen into helium through the process of nuclear fusion.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, I don’t care how much money you raised; there’s no way in hell we’ll ever elect a Mormon president. Envisioning yourself bathing in worms to quell masturbatory urges is just weird, and don’t get me started on the “magic underwear” thing.

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