Beast Banner April 2007
ISSUE #115
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Features

ArrowPresident Rubber vs. Speaker Glue
Pelosiís scarf and GOP barf

Allan Uthman

ArrowIn Defense of Ann Coulter?
Conservatives have a right to be assholes, just like real people

Paul Fallon

ArrowWithdrawal Symptoms
Iraq timetable’s a political fix

Matt Taibbi

ArrowJesus Christ!
People will believe anything

Ian Murphy

ArrowWhat, Me Worry?
Iranians aren’t scared of a U.S. attack

Russ Wellen

ArrowLandslide of Failure
The battle for election integrity is led by... the Governor of Florida?

Brad Friedman

ArrowDeregulation Killed my Cat
Food contamination: the Bush legacy

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Whining Minority
Republican congressman turns from bully to baby

Matt Taibbi

ArrowIt's tax time again and I want to maul you
A.Rabid Dog

ArrowContradictum
Self-refuting quotations from the world of politics

ArrowBonobos vs. Chimps
A Debate for Lemur Philosophers

A. Monkey

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Censored Chocolate Jesus

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Are We Done Yet?, Grindhouse, Blades of Glory, Pride, Reign Over Me, The Lookout, The Reaping, Perfect Stranger, Vacancy, Fracture

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
A Very Thin Hope, Classy, Mile High Club, Equal Rights Harassment, Kiwi Fruit and more

 
It's Tax Time Again and I Want to Maul You

April 15th is right around the corner, and so help me I’ll tear your larynx out for no good reason – well, no reason besides the virus that’s inflaming my brain and driving me to a state of unrelenting fury. I used to be a “very good dog” but I’ve changed, apparently in addition to advanced dementia and an extreme propensity toward violence, I’ve become interested in telling you how to save a bundle this tax season!

Any amateur financier knows the best mechanism for protecting your - GRRRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRR! - financial assets is a good old fashioned tax shelter. And, no, you won’t need any tools to build one. GRRRRRRRRRR! It’s not as daunting as you think: simply declare yourself a business. Create some stationary and a business card and you’re there. You can even turn your hobby into a business. I did. GRR! Nothing says you can’t have fun while saving yourself from the foaming jaws of the IRS. In addition to my involuntary and insatiable desire to maul any living creature that crosses my path, I run a “boat in a bottle” workshop out of the garage. Not wanting to sour my reputation for incorrigible toothy madness, I registered with my county clerk and now I’m “DBA” or doing business as “Fluffy Puppy Boats-n-Bottles Inc.” As long as I demonstrate “profit motive,” not necessarily a true profit, I’ll be able reduce my overall tax burden. I may even qualify for the IRS’s earned income credit and get money back this year. I want to bite you so bad. So bad! Oh, man, if you were here, man! GRRRRRRR! I would eff you up, man. I would be all on top of you and biting you and shit, man – but that’s neither here nor there.

Remember to keep your deductions to reasonable business expenses, like in my case, tiny boats, glass bottles and plenty of medical gauze. As if you couldn’t have guessed, the gauze is perfect for little bits of decorative clouds for the bottles’ seascapes. I’ve tried everything and nothing has the same delicate effect – GRRR! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Of course, the workshop is going to need an HD television to play instructional videos, and if my personal collection of classic Disney DVDs accidentally find their way into the garage – how’s the IRS to know?

Now that you have the knowledge: make it happen. You won’t be sorry and neither will your bank account. It may be too late for you this year but by next you’ll be deducting the wounds I want, nay need, to inflict about your face, neck and chest area. Don’t you get it, motherfucker! I want to fucking kill your ass! GRRRRR!  I may want to bleed you dry with my devastatingly muscled bite  - but with the a tax shelter, you can keep the tax-man from doing the same. Happy filing!

Tax Disobedience

 

 

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