Beast Banner April 2007
ISSUE #115
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Features

ArrowPresident Rubber vs. Speaker Glue
Pelosiís scarf and GOP barf

Allan Uthman

ArrowIn Defense of Ann Coulter?
Conservatives have a right to be assholes, just like real people

Paul Fallon

ArrowWithdrawal Symptoms
Iraq timetable’s a political fix

Matt Taibbi

ArrowJesus Christ!
People will believe anything

Ian Murphy

ArrowWhat, Me Worry?
Iranians aren’t scared of a U.S. attack

Russ Wellen

ArrowLandslide of Failure
The battle for election integrity is led by... the Governor of Florida?

Brad Friedman

ArrowDeregulation Killed my Cat
Food contamination: the Bush legacy

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Whining Minority
Republican congressman turns from bully to baby

Matt Taibbi

ArrowIt's tax time again and I want to maul you
A.Rabid Dog

ArrowContradictum
Self-refuting quotations from the world of politics

ArrowBonobos vs. Chimps
A Debate for Lemur Philosophers

A. Monkey

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Censored Chocolate Jesus

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Are We Done Yet?, Grindhouse, Blades of Glory, Pride, Reign Over Me, The Lookout, The Reaping, Perfect Stranger, Vacancy, Fracture

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
A Very Thin Hope, Classy, Mile High Club, Equal Rights Harassment, Kiwi Fruit and more

 

Kino Korner

 


Are We Done Yet? | Grindhouse | Blades of Glory | Pride
Reign Over Me | The Lookout | The Reaping
Perfect Stranger | Vacancy | Fracture


Perfect Stranger

 “Dude, Frank’s reopened and I ended up there last night. I woke up this morning in this shitty Niagara Falls hotel room next to a greasy filthy Steak Out wrapper and about a cigarette burns through my new Journey t-shirt and chest. Oh, and there was a broken Tullamore Dew bottle in my ass.”

-Tom Maccio from a voicemail excerpt, March 11th 2007

There was a point where I could only imagine the horror Maccio went through that night being used as someone’s personal fingerpuppet/ashtray. Judging by the timbre of his voice I was guessing the only things that could tell the story more accurately were some luminol and a backlight. Then I saw the trailer for Perfect Stranger, starring Bruce Willis and Halle Berry.

First off, I am Sick To Fucking Death of Bruce Willis. He’s beginning to look all whittled away, like those pictures of Montgomery Clift before he died. It’s like he’s shrinking or something. What’s a glooche hole and why won’t the sheriff touch it? Willis stars in every third movie released and all he’s doing is playing a burnt out alcoholic cop wearing a bad wig. I’m guessing he and Ashton Kutcher are going to make a sequel to Brokeback Mountain very soon. And let’s talk about Halle Berry. I could get an Oscar for best actress if Billy Bob Thornton butt fucked me too. It’s not that hard. She’s hot and that’s it for her. I challenge you to find someone who watched Swordfish for any other reason than to stare at her tits for two seconds. I challenge you to find anyone who actually saw Catwoman at all, for any reason.

In Perfect Stranger, Berry plays a reporter who goes after Willis’ adulterous ad agency owner who may or may not have killed her friend he was definitely banging. I’m sure if I were some philistine, sexually frustrated soccer mom with more time on my hands than class, compounded with my CSI addiction, I’d love it. But since that’s not the case I’d rather watch a cat eat its own shit, because seeing this would be more like eating cat shit myself. It’s just nice to know that I don’t have to eat the shit this time.

 

 

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