Beast Banner April 2007
ISSUE #115
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Features

ArrowPresident Rubber vs. Speaker Glue
Pelosiís scarf and GOP barf

Allan Uthman

ArrowIn Defense of Ann Coulter?
Conservatives have a right to be assholes, just like real people

Paul Fallon

ArrowWithdrawal Symptoms
Iraq timetable’s a political fix

Matt Taibbi

ArrowJesus Christ!
People will believe anything

Ian Murphy

ArrowWhat, Me Worry?
Iranians aren’t scared of a U.S. attack

Russ Wellen

ArrowLandslide of Failure
The battle for election integrity is led by... the Governor of Florida?

Brad Friedman

ArrowDeregulation Killed my Cat
Food contamination: the Bush legacy

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Whining Minority
Republican congressman turns from bully to baby

Matt Taibbi

ArrowIt's tax time again and I want to maul you
A.Rabid Dog

ArrowContradictum
Self-refuting quotations from the world of politics

ArrowBonobos vs. Chimps
A Debate for Lemur Philosophers

A. Monkey

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Censored Chocolate Jesus

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Are We Done Yet?, Grindhouse, Blades of Glory, Pride, Reign Over Me, The Lookout, The Reaping, Perfect Stranger, Vacancy, Fracture

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
A Very Thin Hope, Classy, Mile High Club, Equal Rights Harassment, Kiwi Fruit and more

 

Kino Korner

 


Are We Done Yet? | Grindhouse | Blades of Glory | Pride
Reign Over Me | The Lookout | The Reaping
Perfect Stranger | Vacancy | Fracture


The Lookout

Since I’ve switched from reviewing actual films/movies, no one’s asked me why. Not that it matters because it’s not a question I really care to answer and up until now I haven’t really had an answer. Sure, I could’ve made up something glib and sarcastic involving Madeline Stowe or the Wayans brothers, but deep down I always knew I wouldn’t have to search for the answer for the answer would find me.

And when I saw the trailer for The Lookout, I knew that the answer finally found me. This is the reason why I don’t shit away two hours of my life at a time anymore: because most movies aren’t even worth the two and a half minute trailers anymore, let alone the actual running time of the whole damn thing.

The Lookout seems like something some mental deficient slathered throughout a spiral notebook with a wooden spoon after it was introduced to their ass crack on a muggy and humid August day on the equator. I don’t mind so much that it’s the story of a once-promising athlete reduced to a bank janitor. And I’m not complaining that it takes a nosedive courtesy of the traditional cat and mouse thriller storyline when he’s smooth-talked into helping the local wannabe thugs rob the bank where he works. Nonononono. What’s got me ready to punch a baby in the head is the fact that I’m being asked to believe Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a leading man. The only thing this little walking vaginal skin flap from 3rd Rock From the Sun could lead is the parade to a nerkie circus.

I’m guessing by The Lookout’s trailer that he’s supposed to be a likable character. Sticking this twat in a lead role is the worst instance of miscasting since Keanu Reeves as a guy with too much information in his head in Johnny Mnemonic. War crimes and mass murder aside, I think Hitler had more charisma than Gordon-Levitt. Or Levitt. Or what the hell ever shit-dick is going by these days.  

 

 

 

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