Beast Banner April 2007
ISSUE #115
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Features

ArrowPresident Rubber vs. Speaker Glue
Pelosiís scarf and GOP barf

Allan Uthman

ArrowIn Defense of Ann Coulter?
Conservatives have a right to be assholes, just like real people

Paul Fallon

ArrowWithdrawal Symptoms
Iraq timetable’s a political fix

Matt Taibbi

ArrowJesus Christ!
People will believe anything

Ian Murphy

ArrowWhat, Me Worry?
Iranians aren’t scared of a U.S. attack

Russ Wellen

ArrowLandslide of Failure
The battle for election integrity is led by... the Governor of Florida?

Brad Friedman

ArrowDeregulation Killed my Cat
Food contamination: the Bush legacy

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Whining Minority
Republican congressman turns from bully to baby

Matt Taibbi

ArrowIt's tax time again and I want to maul you
A.Rabid Dog

ArrowContradictum
Self-refuting quotations from the world of politics

ArrowBonobos vs. Chimps
A Debate for Lemur Philosophers

A. Monkey

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Censored Chocolate Jesus

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Are We Done Yet?, Grindhouse, Blades of Glory, Pride, Reign Over Me, The Lookout, The Reaping, Perfect Stranger, Vacancy, Fracture

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
A Very Thin Hope, Classy, Mile High Club, Equal Rights Harassment, Kiwi Fruit and more

 

Kino Korner

 


Are We Done Yet? | Grindhouse | Blades of Glory | Pride
Reign Over Me | The Lookout | The Reaping
Perfect Stranger | Vacancy | Fracture


The Reaping

If there’s two things that get me excited, they’re movies about the end of the world and porno with natural redheads with no apparent cosmetic surgery. I’m pretty sure the latter is a thing of the past, which leaves only computer-generated images of Armageddon to inspire a dangler in my Wranglers.

My next fix for The Final Days is The Reaping, in which Hillary Swank plays what I’m guessing is some kind of theologian, or better yet a Christian who’s lost her faith, called in to explain a series of biblical plagues dahn sahth. But wait…! It gets better…! There’s no scientific explanation for these bizarre occurrences. This is right out of the Bible! Holy shit!

It looks like some sort of raptured Da Vinci Code or some hip shit that old priests will read so the young priests will think they’re cool. And here’s the problem with movies about The End Of The World—they’re usually preachy. The Day After Tomorrow had a tree-hugging agenda and since The Reaping sticks the Old Testament in an ass-backward swamp, I’m going to take a shot in the dark and say it’s going to start spouting shit about religious values or premarital sex. I didn’t have enough to go on from the trailer. All I know is there’ll be a picket line I can take it out on if I don’t like the movie. Thank You, Jesus. You really do care.

 

 

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