Beast Banner April 2007
ISSUE #115
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Features

ArrowPresident Rubber vs. Speaker Glue
Pelosiís scarf and GOP barf

Allan Uthman

ArrowIn Defense of Ann Coulter?
Conservatives have a right to be assholes, just like real people

Paul Fallon

ArrowWithdrawal Symptoms
Iraq timetable’s a political fix

Matt Taibbi

ArrowJesus Christ!
People will believe anything

Ian Murphy

ArrowWhat, Me Worry?
Iranians aren’t scared of a U.S. attack

Russ Wellen

ArrowLandslide of Failure
The battle for election integrity is led by... the Governor of Florida?

Brad Friedman

ArrowDeregulation Killed my Cat
Food contamination: the Bush legacy

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Whining Minority
Republican congressman turns from bully to baby

Matt Taibbi

ArrowIt's tax time again and I want to maul you
A.Rabid Dog

ArrowContradictum
Self-refuting quotations from the world of politics

ArrowBonobos vs. Chimps
A Debate for Lemur Philosophers

A. Monkey

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Censored Chocolate Jesus

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Are We Done Yet?, Grindhouse, Blades of Glory, Pride, Reign Over Me, The Lookout, The Reaping, Perfect Stranger, Vacancy, Fracture

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
A Very Thin Hope, Classy, Mile High Club, Equal Rights Harassment, Kiwi Fruit and more

  The Beast Page 3
Censored Chocolate Jesus

Censored Chocolate JesusName: My Sweet Lord

Turn-ons: Tom Waits, transubstantiation, milk, art that bridges traditional themes with unorthodox media, refrigerated rooms.

Turn-offs: Bill Donohue, Rudy Guiliani, nosy anti-intellectual busybodies, all the Anna Nicole Smith coverage, carob.

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 CENSORED CHOCOLATE JESUS: Let’s face it people, Bill Donohue can make up all the BS he wants about how I was to be fed to the masses (not true), or that children would be permanently scarred by viewing my delicious genitals, but I think we all know that I wouldn’t have bothered him nearly as much if I was a white chocolate Jesus. Seriously, do you think the Catholic league would really mind a white chocolate Jesus? They probably would have thought I was beautiful, the bastards. Instead, I’m “dirty.” Why? Because dirt is brown? Sorry to burst your bubble, Bill, but so was Jesus.

Future Plans: I’m probably going to melt. Not looking forward to it. Here’s hoping there’s a special room being prepared for me in a San Francisco gallery. Also, I’m lobbying for a slot in an upcoming PBS series, “101 Fine Art Oops!” It’s all politics, you know.

How I’d like to be remembered. As a simultaneous reminder of the inherent silliness of the worlds of art and religion. Also as a tasty, serotonin-enhancing alternative to those awful communion wafers.

 

 

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