Name: My Sweet Lord

Turn-ons: Tom Waits, transubstantiation, milk, art that bridges traditional themes with unorthodox media, refrigerated rooms.

Turn-offs: Bill Donohue, Rudy Guiliani, nosy anti-intellectual busybodies, all the Anna Nicole Smith coverage, carob.

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 CENSORED CHOCOLATE JESUS: Let’s face it people, Bill Donohue can make up all the BS he wants about how I was to be fed to the masses (not true), or that children would be permanently scarred by viewing my delicious genitals, but I think we all know that I wouldn’t have bothered him nearly as much if I was a white chocolate Jesus. Seriously, do you think the Catholic league would really mind a white chocolate Jesus? They probably would have thought I was beautiful, the bastards. Instead, I’m “dirty.” Why? Because dirt is brown? Sorry to burst your bubble, Bill, but so was Jesus.

Future Plans: I’m probably going to melt. Not looking forward to it. Here’s hoping there’s a special room being prepared for me in a San Francisco gallery. Also, I’m lobbying for a slot in an upcoming PBS series, “101 Fine Art Oops!” It’s all politics, you know.

How I’d like to be remembered. As a simultaneous reminder of the inherent silliness of the worlds of art and religion. Also as a tasty, serotonin-enhancing alternative to those awful communion wafers.

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