Beast Banner April 2007
ISSUE #115
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Features

ArrowPresident Rubber vs. Speaker Glue
Pelosiís scarf and GOP barf

Allan Uthman

ArrowIn Defense of Ann Coulter?
Conservatives have a right to be assholes, just like real people

Paul Fallon

ArrowWithdrawal Symptoms
Iraq timetable’s a political fix

Matt Taibbi

ArrowJesus Christ!
People will believe anything

Ian Murphy

ArrowWhat, Me Worry?
Iranians aren’t scared of a U.S. attack

Russ Wellen

ArrowLandslide of Failure
The battle for election integrity is led by... the Governor of Florida?

Brad Friedman

ArrowDeregulation Killed my Cat
Food contamination: the Bush legacy

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Whining Minority
Republican congressman turns from bully to baby

Matt Taibbi

ArrowIt's tax time again and I want to maul you
A.Rabid Dog

ArrowContradictum
Self-refuting quotations from the world of politics

ArrowBonobos vs. Chimps
A Debate for Lemur Philosophers

A. Monkey

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Censored Chocolate Jesus

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Are We Done Yet?, Grindhouse, Blades of Glory, Pride, Reign Over Me, The Lookout, The Reaping, Perfect Stranger, Vacancy, Fracture

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
A Very Thin Hope, Classy, Mile High Club, Equal Rights Harassment, Kiwi Fruit and more

 

[sic] Header

A VERY THIN HOPE

I thought that was dead on [Matt Taibbi, “The Britney Budget,” issue 114]. The paragraph screwing an 8 year old was priceless. And you are right, we probably deserve exactly what we get. Americans don't know their own history or their Constitution, they vote (just not for president). Most americans beleive in god, and continue in futility to demand that everyne respect their beliefs, even as they make fun of a cultist like Tom C. We need to invade ourselves and divest ourselves of our WMD's before we end up blowing ourselves up out of stupidity.

PS Keep writing, your paper is the only thing still giving me hope for the future of America.

How are we supposed to write now, with that kind of pressure? Gosh!

 

OOPS, I LEARNED SOMETHING

This was a very good and informative article. At first I just wanted to read some scathing humor on Britney Spears, but when the article turned towards our budget and how corporates are taking advantange because our government allows it, I stopped laughing. I felt anger towards ou government and I feel compassion towards the poor we live with. I think sometimes life is too good here in the U.S. That's why we have so much free time to follow stupid stories just to keep from getting bored. I am going to show this article to my kids (minus the profanity) because we need to watch this kind of thing. Thanks for this article. I hope you guys are not really evil.

Carlos M. Morales

Dear Carlos,
That’s cute that you can still hope for things.

 

NOT AS HOT AS YOU THOUGHT

Re: britney's shaved thing

Fellow Scholars, Um, could you, you know, send me a j-peg of Britney's shaved, uh, huh, huh, Bush Estate? 
umburto echo

Dear Umburto,
Not wanting to be arrested for distributing pornography to a minor, we’ll just tell you to follow this simple three-step process:
Go to any Internet search engine page.
Type “Britney pussy” and hit enter.
Shudder with horror.

 

CLASSY

Thanks for putting Anna Nicole and Britney on the cover of your March issue. I know you were trying to convey a point about the vapid nature of our society's interests, but for me it sparked a different sort of thought. Just 6 months ago, the chances of me having sex with either one of these hot broads was nil. Now I could probably have my way with either of them. In Anna's case all it would take is a shovel and a bottle of Old Smuggler Scotch to help me not think about what I was doing. With Britney, I could probably just lend an ear and a wig. She is so lonely and isolated right now that even my low-levels of charm and persuasion would probably cause her nipples to harden and panties to soak. How much money do you have in the bank now that The BEAST is two dollars? I would imagine that you have several million. If that is the case, please fund an expedition in journalism by sending me to wherever Anna Nicole Smith is buried and the rubber room Britney Spears is locked up in. I'll take pictures.
--
Chris Riordan
Totally Awesome Magazine

Dear Chris,
Dude, yuck! You want to have sex with Britney Spears? Just… ewww, man, gross.

 

BELATEDLY BUSTED

It’s true that the airport and any other Homeland Security department for that matter are all bureaucratic cesspools that serve as convenient ways or bushie to keep the unemployment numbers down [Michael J. Smith, “Menace in Seat 36F,” issue 114]. I’ve gotten a lot of things through security at the airport (Accidently of course-except that bag of weed)
PracktoMite

Dear PracktoMite,
They can read your e-mail, you know.

 

MILE HIGH CLUB

Who knows what evil can be done with a Swiss Army Knife. The take over of Airport passenger screening by the TSA has become a nightmare for flyers and another public relations fiasco for the Government. That should have been expected. Washington can not run a one car funeral either efficiently or ecconomicaly.
James E. Fish

Dear James,
What’s with the attitude? Take off your shoes, citizen; we have to see if you’re smuggling hair gel.

 

DUUUUUHHHHH

"wipe" IS transitive [Allan Uthman, “Sweet Nothings,” issue 114.]
Alan Angel

Dear Alan,
Right. But the Persian word that was translated as “wipe”… isn’t. So yeah, there you go.

 

EQUAL RIGHTS HARASSMENT

great article by a great writer [Matt Taibbi, “Obama,” issue 114].
btw, why are there no women on your staff? just being evil, depending on your point of view - however, it IS Islamically correct, which goes pretty far...

re celebrities - you could do what I did for years - simply read something else - or live somewhere else - so I have this huge chunk of celebrity knowledge completely missing.

the bad news is, half our language is based on celebrity-referencing, so people always think I'm from Surinam or St. Martin ...

Gee, and I always thought Obama was a great guy ...
Why don't one of you guys run?

Omyma

Dear Omyma,
We love to have women on our staff. Why don’t you come by and we can fill you in? We’re sure to find an agreeable position. Also, sex.

 

NO-CHANCE McGEE

Dear Sirs,
   Taibbi calls Obama out on a lot of things, but leaves out some important sins that he has committed. He voted for the Patriot Act and also the military commissions act, both completely traitorous acts of legislation that have no positive aspects for anyone who enjoys liberty. You should look into Ron Paul for president and do an article. He's a congressman in Texas who voted against the war, against the Patriot Act and every other bill that goes against the constitution. There is a media blackout on his campaign and it would be cool to see a story on his bid for prez. He is running as a republican, but nobody is perfect. He comes close though and is the best candidate for changing our present condition.
 sincerely,
   Henry Krinkle
     Austin, TX

Dear Congressman Paul,
Let’s dispense with the false identity, shall we? While you are no doubt a true believer and not the usual huckster, your strict libertarian ideology is little more than an elaborate way of saying “poor people can suck my balls.” Have a good day now, sir.

 

FIND = FIND

Just found your website and it was indeed a find. No right wing dogma or left wing delegation of responsability, but as Jack Webb use to say"Just the facts" Keep up the good work.
Ton

Dear Ton,
Hey man, we’re not making any promises, but if we don’t keep it up, it’s society’s fault. Remember 9/11!

 

ANOTHER DAY TO SKIP VOTING

It is long past time for a "STAND ALONE FEDERAL ELECTION" [Brad Friedman interview, issue 114].

This must be done to keep our democracy clean. It must only be about "President and Vice President", "Senator", and "Congressman".

It should be paper ballots, hand counted, and totally funded by the Federal Goverment.

Other countries do this in their elections with no apparent problems.

Let all state, county, city and local problems be taken care of at another time and concentrate on a single purpose election.

All ballots in all states would be essentially the same without any confusion.

 

KEEP IT SIMPLE

Ilkleymoor

Dear Ilkleymoor,
That’s a great idea! That way, we can clean up the presidential vote, while keeping all other elections suspect and vulnerable to tampering! Genius!

 

THE SINCEREST FORM OF IDEA THEFT

Hey Beast! Fallon! Uthman! Taibbi! Whoever Reads This Shit!

This is Paul Smith, the editor-in-chief of Insubordination Monthly. We just premiered a depraved political satire rag here in Pensacola, Florida and I thought you guys might want to give it look. I think the Beast is easily the best political satire magazine in the country and there is absolutely no question that we are totally ripping you guys off… that is, when we’re not picking the bones of Hunter Thompson’s corpse. But we don’t mind being hacks. Shit, we relish in it! I believe it was Josh Billings who said, “The most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.” So, at least we are literary bandits with exquisite taste!

But, I think you guys may enjoy some of our stuff. We’re all in our early to mid-twenties and we’re all total political junkies. Also, we’re all despicable awful people… just like you guys!

Well, keep up the important work you guys are doing. America needs the Beast! … Fuck the whales! Save the Beast! … And hopefully you’ll give us a look and maybe pass us around the Beast offices, eh? Thanks for your time… take care.

-Paul  

Dear Paul,
Florida, huh? Hope you’re armed. Good luck.

 

THERE GO THE JUDGE

Dear Mr. Paul Jones and the editors of the Beast,

I find myself very touched by the troubles Rachel Bevilacqua has had with this dispicable judge [Paul Jones, “The Persecution Rests,” issue 96].  While I don't have the financial resources to try to aid her myself, I wonder if any of the larger media outlets have deemed this story worthy of their attention.  I think if we had a little more public exposure of this story, the American people as a whole would see that she's done nothing worthy of losing her child.  It seems the very American concepts of freedom of speech and religious expression are being challenged by this judge.  I can only hope that now that he's recused himself from the case, sounder minds can prevail.

Personally, I never quite got the joke behind the Chuch of Subgenius.  ...but that certainly doesn't it isn't valid satire and therefore must instead be somehow harmful devil worshipping.  Besides, don't even devil worshippers have the right to custody of their children as long as they're capable of raising them well?

Carl Benzino
Long Beach, Calif.

Dear Carl,
Bevilacqua still doesn’t have her kid. But she was really asking for it, expressing herself like that and turning on a repressed sexual deviant judge in a way which disturbed his conflicted conscience. She’s just lucky Judge Punch has a dominatrix on call 24/7, or he might have had her executed. In case this is too subtle for you: Judge James Punch of Orleans County Family Court is a fucking worthless asshole who deserves to be sodomized with a broken bottle. But hey, that’s just our opinion.

 

KIWI FRUIT

Dear Beast
So you want to invade and overthrow the democratically elected government in my country do you? You would first have to understand that our 12,000 (man, woman) strong Defence Force (we have no army, sorry)would need to be subdued; quite an easy task, as more than one third are university graduates, so at the first whiff of hostilities they would collectively head for the board room. Next our air defences would need to be penetrated. As we have recently (1999) sold our attack wing (25, A4 Skyhawks, Vietnam vintage)this might prove easier than attacking the Defence Force. However several Hercules and Orion transports remain, as do a significant number of Iriqois helicopters. Before you invade I could e-mail you a list of the exact locations and numbers of said air defence forces, if this would be helpful.

The Navy (well, coast guard really)should cause the most worries. It consists of Three frigates, quite new (1995), but they spend their time catching illegal Chinese, Taiwanese, Russian, and Japanese fishing boats. They also save stupid American and European yachtsmen who believe that the 'Roaring 40s' in some way resembles that PUDDLE between Land's End, and the Eastern Seaboard. All this military information now makes me a traitor to my nation which in NZ law means I will suffer three weeks of home detention, followed by a course in civics and social awareness; I might apply at this time, because of severe stress, for a prescription of medicinal marijuana to ease my discomforture. Please remember you are invading a country which in 1997 sold its entire rail infrastructure, bridges, tracks, stations, the lot, to a Canadian company for $11,000,000NZ ($8,000,000US): Overpriced I thought.

You also state that you would attack with armed marsupials; now you're just being simple. As any fourth grader in Hicksville USA will tell you NZ has no native mammals; except a bat, which flew here 10 odd million years ago: Are you perhaps confusing us with that shit hole next door, which is jam packed with marsupials and other assorted primitive mammals? We broke off (cut the umbilical)200 million years ago, became an island of birds and never looked back. Finally consider the wider strategic goals: After NZ what next? Antarctica?

Your rag gives me great satisfaction. The idea that free thinking, and criticism are still alive and well in its nominal birthplace is gravy for my briscett.

Thanks. And I apolgise if my previous mail in some way caused you to believe that I don't value human life, where ever it is spawned, I do. It is simply disgust at this pompous war that makes me a little terse.
Matt, your writing is very enjoyable; Beast your rag is also enjoyable.
Rob.

Dear Rob,
Pish posh! Our marsupial “gaffe” was no such thing. We were merely insulting you Moa-killers by illustrating your hopeless fate, doomed to eternal obscurity in the shadow of a larger, cruder, better-known neighbor. You’re Australia’s Canada. Tell Xena we said hi.

 

ANTI-GOD AGENDA PROCEEDING SMOOTHLY

I noticed that this year Jesus replaced his dad on the list.  Does that mean that the Holy Ghost will be on the 2007 roster?  'Cause, I really fucking hate that guy.

Cheers,
Eric

Dear Eric,
Lucky for you, Hell is just a fictional deterrent to antisocial behavior, or you’d surely be going there!

 

LAZY BOY

Your reviews are based EXCLUSIVELY on the trailers? Come on now.
Matthew Arnold

Dear Matthew,
To be honest, we’re not even sure Gildea has the patience to sit through a whole trailer anymore. He’s really not the same since the stroke.

 

 

 

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