Beast Banner May/June 2007
ISSUE #116
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Features

ArrowLost in Translation
McCain's Iraq perception gap explained

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe BEAST Totally Irresponsible Guide to Campus Massacres
If it makes you laugh, you're a bad person!

ArrowParenti Guidance
Our interview with Michael Parenti

Josh Bunting

ArrowTrail of Tiers
Disgrace for the WHite House!

Matt Taibbi

ArrowA Graphic Guide to Democratic Tiers
See how your candidate ranks!

ArrowAnd God Cursed us with Boredom
Diary of an internet-addicted infidel

Ian Murphy

ArrowNotorious C.H.O.
The creative aftermath of the VA Tech massacre

Eric Bryant

ArrowWhy is Sam Harris a Best-Selling Atheist?
A. Monkey

ArrowYe Neocolonialists
Dems poised to pillage Iraq

Matt Taibbi

ArrowBattle of the Network Stars
Are elections bad for democracy?
Allan Uthman

ArrowGuten Tag, Bitches!
A brief message from the father of psychoanalysis
Sigmund Freud

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Retarded Presidential Candidates

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
Spiderman 3, Lucky You, 28 Weeks Later, The Flock, Georgia Rule, Delta Farce, Shrek the 3rd, The Ex

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Intolerance intolerance, Electophobia, Islamormon, Rush the Magic Honkie

 

Guten Tag, Bitches!
A brief message from the father of psychoanalysis

by Sigmund Freud

Vhas is up, mein peeps? I know vhat you must be zinkingk: “Zis Freud, vhere az ‘e been?” No calls, no nahsingk! Vell, vhat can I zay? Vis all of ve piles of cocaine lyingk around and ze vanten frauleins interruptingk mine shtudies vis ze ol’ “shtrudle-munchin,” if you know vhat I mean, a man zimply loses track of zhese zhingks. Are ve cool again, dudes? Das is gut! Now, ve move on to ze topic I vant to be discussink: ze vagina! I know, I know-vas else is new?

Did you know, for inshtanze, zhat I invented ze vagina? Eet iz vone of mine proudest momentz. Before zhat ze voman vas incapable of zexual arousal und played vis er knees to reach ein climax. You’re velcome, ladies. Zadly, zomethingk called “une man in ze boat” as shtolen mine glory! I am ze preeminent genius of ze 20th zentury; mine vork is ezzential to ze fields of public relations, advertizingk, psychiatry und even fascism! Und who is zis “boat man?” Because of ‘im, ze old notionz of female frigidity und inadequacy ave zallen by ze vaizide. Vhat a shame. Und vas as ‘e ever done? Vhere as ‘e been published? Ze nerve of zis guy! Vhat? Vas is you laughingk?

It is dangerous for ze voman to ignore her limitations und listen to ze vork of zis untrained fisherman. Zis line of zhinkingk is ein shlippery shlope. Vhat is you laughingk again?! Ze next zhing you know, vimmen vill be runningk amuck, und zhere is ein shtrong likelihood girlz vill be goingk vild on late night television. Ze teachings of zhis madman pose ein grave threat to ze very fabric of socziety, und must be shtopped! Okay, I have zaid mine pieze, now back to fantasizingk about mine mozzer. She az ein vagina, und she knows how to use it!

 

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