Guten Tag, Bitches!
A brief message from the father of psychoanalysis

by Sigmund Freud

Vhas is up, mein peeps? I know vhat you must be zinkingk: “Zis Freud, vhere az ‘e been?” No calls, no nahsingk! Vell, vhat can I zay? Vis all of ve piles of cocaine lyingk around and ze vanten frauleins interruptingk mine shtudies vis ze ol’ “shtrudle-munchin,” if you know vhat I mean, a man zimply loses track of zhese zhingks. Are ve cool again, dudes? Das is gut! Now, ve move on to ze topic I vant to be discussink: ze vagina! I know, I know-vas else is new?

Did you know, for inshtanze, zhat I invented ze vagina? Eet iz vone of mine proudest momentz. Before zhat ze voman vas incapable of zexual arousal und played vis er knees to reach ein climax. You’re velcome, ladies. Zadly, zomethingk called “une man in ze boat” as shtolen mine glory! I am ze preeminent genius of ze 20th zentury; mine vork is ezzential to ze fields of public relations, advertizingk, psychiatry und even fascism! Und who is zis “boat man?” Because of ‘im, ze old notionz of female frigidity und inadequacy ave zallen by ze vaizide. Vhat a shame. Und vas as ‘e ever done? Vhere as ‘e been published? Ze nerve of zis guy! Vhat? Vas is you laughingk?

It is dangerous for ze voman to ignore her limitations und listen to ze vork of zis untrained fisherman. Zis line of zhinkingk is ein shlippery shlope. Vhat is you laughingk again?! Ze next zhing you know, vimmen vill be runningk amuck, und zhere is ein shtrong likelihood girlz vill be goingk vild on late night television. Ze teachings of zhis madman pose ein grave threat to ze very fabric of socziety, und must be shtopped! Okay, I have zaid mine pieze, now back to fantasizingk about mine mozzer. She az ein vagina, und she knows how to use it!