The BEAST Page 3 Retarded Presidential Candidates

Names: Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee, and Tom Tancredo

Turn-ons: Being stupid, thinking stupid thoughts, saying stupid things, naked Caucasian boys.

Turn-offs: Books, learning, thinking about reality, honesty, decency, tolerance, integrity.

How we got to be The BEAST Page 3 Retarded Presidential Candidates: At our first presidential debate, when asked if any of the candidates didn't believe in evolution, we all raised our hands, as the nation buried its head in shame. By declaring ourselves to be total idiots of the most idiotic persuasion, we have made major inroads to the idiot community, which is essential to winning the Republican nomination.

Future Plans: It's going to go pretty much the same way until the primaries shake out. Mike will continue to identify himself as a completely stupid imbecile who is authentically conservative, while Sam will be stupidly answering any complicated question by repeating the word "values" as often as possible, while maintaining his brain-dead cosmology. Tom will do his best to stir up stupid Southern racism in the currently acceptable form of hating Hispanics, albeit in the stupidest, most idiot-like possible way.

How we'd like to be remembered: As backwards, imbecilic, moronic, primitive, low-functioning, stupefied, dumb, throwback, Neanderthal, dim, thick, thoughtless, ignorant, blind, irrational, oblivious, brainless Vice Presidents.