Beast Banner May/June 2007
ISSUE #116
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Features

ArrowLost in Translation
McCain's Iraq perception gap explained

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe BEAST Totally Irresponsible Guide to Campus Massacres
If it makes you laugh, you're a bad person!

ArrowParenti Guidance
Our interview with Michael Parenti

Josh Bunting

ArrowTrail of Tiers
Disgrace for the WHite House!

Matt Taibbi

ArrowA Graphic Guide to Democratic Tiers
See how your candidate ranks!

ArrowAnd God Cursed us with Boredom
Diary of an internet-addicted infidel

Ian Murphy

ArrowNotorious C.H.O.
The creative aftermath of the VA Tech massacre

Eric Bryant

ArrowWhy is Sam Harris a Best-Selling Atheist?
A. Monkey

ArrowYe Neocolonialists
Dems poised to pillage Iraq

Matt Taibbi

ArrowBattle of the Network Stars
Are elections bad for democracy?
Allan Uthman

ArrowGuten Tag, Bitches!
A brief message from the father of psychoanalysis
Sigmund Freud

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Retarded Presidential Candidates

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
Spiderman 3, Lucky You, 28 Weeks Later, The Flock, Georgia Rule, Delta Farce, Shrek the 3rd, The Ex

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Intolerance intolerance, Electophobia, Islamormon, Rush the Magic Honkie

 

The BEAST Page 3 Retarded Presidential Candidates

Names: Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee, and Tom Tancredo

Turn-ons: Being stupid, thinking stupid thoughts, saying stupid things, naked Caucasian boys.

Turn-offs: Books, learning, thinking about reality, honesty, decency, tolerance, integrity.

How we got to be The BEAST Page 3 Retarded Presidential Candidates: At our first presidential debate, when asked if any of the candidates didn't believe in evolution, we all raised our hands, as the nation buried its head in shame. By declaring ourselves to be total idiots of the most idiotic persuasion, we have made major inroads to the idiot community, which is essential to winning the Republican nomination.

Future Plans: It's going to go pretty much the same way until the primaries shake out. Mike will continue to identify himself as a completely stupid imbecile who is authentically conservative, while Sam will be stupidly answering any complicated question by repeating the word "values" as often as possible, while maintaining his brain-dead cosmology. Tom will do his best to stir up stupid Southern racism in the currently acceptable form of hating Hispanics, albeit in the stupidest, most idiot-like possible way.

How we'd like to be remembered: As backwards, imbecilic, moronic, primitive, low-functioning, stupefied, dumb, throwback, Neanderthal, dim, thick, thoughtless, ignorant, blind, irrational, oblivious, brainless Vice Presidents.

 

 

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