Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, the definition if insanity is writing the same definition of insanity over and over again, and expecting to remain interesting.

 Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Actually, Gemini, the reason your cat is always following you around is because it knows you’re going to die soon, and it’s fantasized about eating you for some time now.

 Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, your barbershop will be saved from financial ruin when you jokingly introduce the special $400 “John Edwards” cut, and are deluged with very stupid customers.

 Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

If you’re going to put together a press kit to go along with your killing spree, Leo, try not to sound like such an idiot. Be a little more specific than “you forced me to do this.” Who forced you, how did they force you, why didn’t you just shoot yourself, and so on. Again—seriously consider killing yourself first.

 Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Your lawsuit against the makers of Axe body spray is unlikely to pay off, Virgo, considering that most people of median intellect can see the claims implied by their advertising department are clearly farcical. However, if you’re looking for a product to inspire sexual debauchery in attractive women, try Large Bags of Cocaine.

 Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Being a Mormon does not make you a bad person, Libra. It just makes you ridiculous.

 Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

With the advent of the “cheese” epidemic, Scorpio, one thing has become terribly clear: We are all out of good names for illegal drugs.

 Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

I admire your gay-friendly attitudes, Sagittarius, but you really shouldn’t let your roommate cornhole you just because he called you a bigot.

 Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Your kid doesn’t have “oppositional defiant disorder,” Capricorn; he’s just a fucking asshole.

 Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, your nightly visions of a Hummer – vs. – Prius demolition derby will prove surprisingly prophetic when the American Enterprise Institute finally buys the federal government..

 Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Did you ever wonder why the bad guys can never hit Jack Bauer, no matter how many shots they fire, Pisces? It’s because freedom improves your aim. Think about that the next time you urinate, seat-wiper.

 Aries (March 21-April 19)

By my calculations, Aries, the most demeaning job in the developed world used to be spooge-mopper at the Lusty Lady in San Francisco. Now it’s backup singer for Avril Lavigne. Not punk, just punked.