Beast Banner May/June 2007
ISSUE #116
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Features

ArrowLost in Translation
McCain's Iraq perception gap explained

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe BEAST Totally Irresponsible Guide to Campus Massacres
If it makes you laugh, you're a bad person!

ArrowParenti Guidance
Our interview with Michael Parenti

Josh Bunting

ArrowTrail of Tiers
Disgrace for the WHite House!

Matt Taibbi

ArrowA Graphic Guide to Democratic Tiers
See how your candidate ranks!

ArrowAnd God Cursed us with Boredom
Diary of an internet-addicted infidel

Ian Murphy

ArrowNotorious C.H.O.
The creative aftermath of the VA Tech massacre

Eric Bryant

ArrowWhy is Sam Harris a Best-Selling Atheist?
A. Monkey

ArrowYe Neocolonialists
Dems poised to pillage Iraq

Matt Taibbi

ArrowBattle of the Network Stars
Are elections bad for democracy?
Allan Uthman

ArrowGuten Tag, Bitches!
A brief message from the father of psychoanalysis
Sigmund Freud

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Retarded Presidential Candidates

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
Spiderman 3, Lucky You, 28 Weeks Later, The Flock, Georgia Rule, Delta Farce, Shrek the 3rd, The Ex

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Intolerance intolerance, Electophobia, Islamormon, Rush the Magic Honkie

 

TCHYA, RIGHT

i'd like the president to be impeached.  i also believe that the beast staffers would like the president impeached. living in the city of buffalo we have brian higgins as our direct link to the govenment.  although he has predominantly done nothing to actually help this district, if we had a majority of people in the district asking that he push impeachment, he'd have to do it right? how do we get a majority? well, even if enough people in our district wanted bush to be impeached, getting them off their asses to actually contact their congressman would probably be too much to ask.  why not stick a a quarter size add in the beast that basically says something along the lines of 'i live in the district, brian higgins, i want my representitive to represent me and publically push for the impeachment of bush etc etc' and then have a line for them to print and then sign their name.  well, i guess this would be fairly costly though as you'd probably have to supply a stamped envelope or something as once more people would probably not do it if it required something greater than natural function.  well, anyway, it's the start of an idea, probably too little too late, but hey, how much does a quarter page add cost because it's still worth a try.  i'd spend my money on that.

knife

Dear Knife,

Sure. If a majority wants it, their representative does it. Just like universal health care. It’ll definitely work. Buy the ad.

 

TOUGH ASSIGNMENT

Matt Taibbi needs to write everything I read.  He's awesome.

Kevin M. Hagerman

Dear Kevin,

We’ll get him started on your cereal box.

 

INTOLERANCE INTOLERANCE

The Florida congressman's behavior sums up what I think passes for conservatism in this country: my view is right, no one else's has any validity at all, and we should tear down any structures that might lend aid to my opposition! [Matt Taibbi, “The Whining Minority,” issue 115]

Ugh, it's the anthem of the "culture wars" to violently oppose any and all differences of opinion or chances to have a real dialogue and exchange of ideas.

There are plenty of liberals doing the same thing, of course, particularly when asshats like the Gores support music censorship in the name of "cleaning things up."

When people are afraid to listen to ideas they disagree with, *that* is when democracy (such as we know it, such as we have it in this country) begins to break down.

Zac Dettwyler

Dear Zac,

Right you are. The conservatives, along with all others who disagree with you, are terrible people who can’t tolerate other views. They must not be tolerated.

 

HOPEFUL YET LIMP

We are not far off from scraping this whole 'grand

experiment' & starting over. There really is no business in the world that could survive if it was run like our government (it has finally become so broken it will never be fixed).  EVERYONE KNOWS it is all about the money and our 'elected' officials keep acting as if it isn't.  Simply put... it's so sick we can't even see how truly bizarre it has become... Insane Madness.  Ordinary citizens would be fired or locked up for behaving in the same ways as many of our 'leaders' do. On mass, we probably have one of the most politically uneducated electorates in the 'free' world operating within a system that has been all set up for, and run by, money.  No Doubt.  It's still a great country (by current world standards) but for how much longer?  All of this 'self misuse and abuse' will come back to haunt us as a nation and we will certainly topple... and when that happens you can bet it's not going to be pretty.

When the vast majority of us have gotten over worshiping money and the false authorities that go along with it we can come back to supporting, respecting, loving and caring for one another with peace, fellowship and the joy of living a fulfilling and simple life.  I believe it will come. I also believe the process of getting there is going to look and feel a lot like 'breaking apart'... which it probably will be.

Anyway, I enjoyed the article and, as you can see, it stirred me to respond... which is something I rarely do.  Thank you. 

Sherwood

Dear Sherwood,

Have you tried Levitra? That stuff’ll get your football through the tire swing, if you know what we mean! Zabadoo!

 

ELECTOPHOBIA

I don't think it's insufficient zeal about porn that got them fired [Allan Uthman, “President Rubber vs. Speaker Glue,” Issue 115], but insufficient zeal against pursuing voter fraud cases. (Most of those that have been pursued are cases of simple errors by voter registrants, but no matter.) Rove's long-term strategy is to make the poor and the black afraid to vote, and he needs the US Attorneys to push that agenda.

David Udin

Dear David,

What was wrong with the old strategy of making them too stupid to vote?

 

BUSTED

pure, unsubstantiated nonsense [Allan Uthman, “The Truth Spin” (web-only), issue 115]. get at least 2 confirmed sources. this wouldn't have passed even at the onion. it is too nice to believe and that's why i think it's fake.

John Smith

Dear John,

Fake, you say? You mean, you don’t believe we received a classified document via the White House custodial department, which argues that the administration adopt a new PR policy of telling the public we’re really in Iraq for the oil? Well, we are shocked! Shocked indeed. You certainly are a sharp and critical reader, John. Thanks for the lesson in journalism!

 

TWILIGHT OF THE PICKLES

Dear Allan,

Thank you for your article, which I came across through Buzzflash.

In the first few days of the official Menu Foods recall, I went online to PetConnection.com.  I was shocked and saddened by the stories I read there.

The next day, I wrapped up both the 10 lb K/D Science Prescription Diet and the 17.5 lb Indoor Cat Science Diet and returned them to the vet and pet store respectively. I researched the Web for a better dry food for my cats, found Innova and where to buy it. When I got done with all that, I called Science Diet's customer service and told them I had lost all confidence with their product. I called Innova once this rice protein story broke, and demanded to know if any of their ingredients come from China, directly or indirectly. The rep assured me none of their stuff comes from China.

The truth is, I have very little confidence in any commercial food now, pet or human. It's very hard to find food without wheat gluten, wheat flour, corn gluten, rice protein, soy something-or-other. It's probably all got melamine in it, and we've been eating it for years. It's just that this time, the amount was high enough to kill.

I've lost two male cats, one in December 2005, one in January 2007, to mysterious, sudden-onset acute renal disease. My vet can't explain why two 8 year olds were so unhealthy. I have a third male cat, born in 1998, who was diagnosed with, you guessed it, acute renal disease in January 2006.  He's my baby, and he's hanging on. But every day I look at his slowly shrinking body (at one time he was the World's Biggest Cat), and I feel so guilty that I've fed him crap all these years.

These little guys deserved so much better.

About two weeks ago, I reported my two fatalities to the regional FDA office. The agent took my info down, but because I wasn't implicating any of the products currently on the recall list, I could tell he wasn't going to investigate. He had room on his form for only one food, he said.  While I was talking to him, he was looking at his e-mail for updates, and he said, "Oh, look, here's a new one!"  The new information he was just receiving was a week old. But, hey, "Heckuva job, Brownie."

You didn't mention your cat in the body of your piece, only in the artwork and title. I am so sorry that Mr. Pickles, just 3 years old, became an innocent victim of this outrageous government. We all deserve better.

Marie

 

Mr. Uthman responds:

While I find it quite amusing, I feel I must inform you all that, despite my misleading title, I do not have a dead cat named “Mr. Pickles.” That illustration was a joke. My cats have real, serious names: Fluffy and Princess. “Mr. Pickles.” How silly!

 

WE’LL DO IT TOMORROW

When do we move forward with impeachments of this gang in Washington?  Or, as with the pet food scandal, do we wait until it's too late????

paticia maddern

Dear Patricia,

We’re going with “wait until it’s too late.” We’ve got 75 bucks on us right now, care to wager on it?

 

CAT-ASTROPHE

Cat-killers (FRIST) and Dog-killers (MRS. Rudy G.) abound in the thuglican party. So now Ray-gun and Chimpy are responsible for thousands of pet deaths. 

Zee

Dear Zee,

Yeah, some human deaths too, incidentally.

 

FALLOONY

The unapologetic honesty of Paul Falloon's article should be in every newspaper in the United States.  It was THAT good.

Aticle alluded to how most "mildly intelligent Americans" believe the bullshit that "Newsweek" and "Time" present as the "true America."

It really seems that we're all concentrating on the petty things, like demon-bitch calling Edwards a "faggot" and who will be the next President that will "save" America while we all miss the painful truth:That the high and mighty morals we BELIEVE we should live by are an illusory ideal that so many "patriots" buy into.

Faloon's article is a much-needed "kick-in-the-teeth."

Regardless of the article's truth about both sides (Dems and Rep)being full of it, Ann Coulter, Lindbaugh, O'Reilly and Bauerle (among many others) should be ground into dog food.

Scott D. Snitzer

Dear Scott,

Unfortunately, new FDA regulations prohibit the sale of dog food containing more than trace amounts of asinine conservative pundits.

 

ISLAMORMON

Hi Beasties,

So I go through periods of high news awareness to periphery acknowledgment.  I was paying attention when the prosecutor firings-story first came out.  Why is the media still using headlines akin to Gonzales claims fuzzy memory?  Didn't he say that weeks ago?

Sorry, in my most disheartened moments I ask rhetorical questions as such.  We've all been through this one.....

How long will we be agape with incredulity at the manipulation and subsequent perversion of the media? For how long will Americans let their minds be shaped by the corporate media consciousness?  I am finally catching up with the details of the Virginia Tech incident, reading through the victim profiles on Yahoo, and I find myself extremely saddened.  Of course it is a terrible thing to have happened; excepting that these people will forever be memorialized as kind, wonderful, and never offensive human beings, senseless violence is mind-numbing in its horror and completely without point.

So let's talk (again) about the senseless, American-lead violence going on in Iraq.  My real disgust and horror comes from the tiny (by comparison) lead story about 100+ people dying in Iraq.   Again.  On average there are 3000+ Iraqi casualties per month. At this point it is easy to be desensitized to the numbers....oh, no wait a minute, no it's not.  AN EQUIVALENT TO THE WORLD TRADE CENTER ATTACK PER MONTH, FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS.

Shouldn't we all be horrified, everyday?  Who's eulogizing all the dead Iraqis?  Can anyone even keep up?  What the fuck can we do about?

And if you say we all need to march on the capitol I will come back to Buffalo and beat the beer-addled snot out of your chicken-wing greasy head.  Really, trust me.  I'm in no mood.

Kate in Kingston

Dearest Kate,

We cope through a comprehensive two-pronged program of bitching and mockery. If the Iraqis want to be eulogized, they’re going to have to find a way to get rich. But don’t fear; they will all eventually be posthumously baptized by the Mormons.

 

POOR FASHION CHOICE

I would like to add to the list of the 50 Most Loathsome each and every person who has referred to the Va Tech massacre as "a senseless act of violence."

What is more sensible than a mentally ill, suicidal individual who has led a miserable, solitary existence finally ending it all by getting attention using the one thing Americans absolutely love to watch: VIOLENCE?  Meanwhile, our Simpleton in Chief refers to Cho as "evil."

Judging by the amount of maroon and orange I have seen this week, the Virginia Tech victims and their families are receiving more "support" than they can possibly absorb.  I myself have been wearing red, green, black, and white this week - the colors of Iraq's flag - in solidarity with the thousands of innocent Iraqis who must endure this sort of violence DAILY, in large part due to the actions of my government.  The Virginia Tech community has agreed it's time to start the healing process.  How long does it take a nation to heal from years of bloodshed?

Gillian Durham

Dear Gillian,

Forty-two years.

 

RUSH THE MAGIC HONKIE

I wonder which unskilled mexican immigrant is going to get Rush's job. His job takes no skill.

W.D.Russell

Dear W.D.,

Come on—you don’t think shitting though your mouth takes skill?

 

FISH IN A BARREL

Dear Mr. Murphy:

My name is Tom Wanchick and I'm a Christian with an the intellectual defense of the Christian faith.

I'm a good writer and I've written for some much respected publications in this area (e.g., *Think* a well-regarded British philosophy journal and *Christian Research Journal* a very popular Christian magazine) and was wondering if I could contribute to The Beast.

In fact, I wanted to know if you would be interested in engaging in a brief debate on the pages of The Beast. The debate could cover an issue like "Does God exist?" or "Is Evolution True?" or "Did Jesus rise from the dead?" or anything of that sort.

I know you have some strong opinions about these topics, just like I do. You guys at The Beast are big proponents of free speech and showing people the truth. Maybe it would be fun for readers to see both sides of the debate and think about it for themselves.

I can send you some PDF files of my writings if you want to see them. You can also find some of them at the Secular Web (www.infidels.org). You'll probably be quite interested in my recent, lengthy debate with atheist author Richard Carrier at infidels.org/library/modern/richard_carrier/carrier-wanchick/.

If you're interested in this please let me know. I look forward to a healthy discussion!

Thanks,

Tom Wanchick

Murphy responds:

The thing is, Tom, everyone is already familiar with your side of the “debate.” And it’s retarded. Why don’t you grow the fuck up and stop believing in fairy tales? I read your stuff and you’re clearly well versed in the philosophical traditions of bullshitting. You can quote Leibniz and jump through as many mental hoops as you desire, but that doesn’t change the reality of the situation: Mighty Thor, Scandinavian lord of the wrathful hammer and pointy hats, is the one true god. Accept the truth, Tom, or burn in Viking hell.

 

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