Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your time at the Doctor Phil House will not make you a better person, Cancer, but it will bring your unique brand of shittiness into millions of living rooms.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

Don’t be discouraged by the lack of progress in your scientific endeavors this month, Leo. Just keep telling the Bonobo that she looks pretty. Hordes of your super human-chimp hybrids will be ravaging the streets soon enough.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Everybody knows you’re cool, Virgo, thanks to the surly attitude you exude from your post at the Arby’s drive-thru window.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

Your penchant for cut-rate electronics will catch up with you when you realize your “O-Pod” will only play songs by Tony Orlando and Donny Osmond.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Now is the time to act, Scorpio. Your savings, your car, your kid’s lunch money. Put it all on red; I’ve got a good feeling about this.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

The bad news: Your girlfriend will leave you after discovering 80 gigabytes of hardcore pornography on your hard drive. The good news? More time to masturbate.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

If you didn’t want 3^rd degree burns over 60% of your body, then you shouldn’t have borrowed a pen from that serial arsonist.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

I know you spent a lot on that system for your car, Aquarius, but it still just sounds like a rattling license plate to the rest of us.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

Your career as a Rich Little impersonator will not be as successful as you may imagine.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Perhaps the most important part of trying, Aries, is learning when to give up. After numerous attempts, your “Reaganstein” project does not seem to be showing signs of life. It may be time to move on to “Nixonstein.”

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

That Sopranos DVD box set is going to your head, Taurus. You need to stop making woppy references to supposed mob connections, because if your Uncle Guido really was an underboss, you probably wouldn’t work at OfficeMax. You’re just drunk and vaguely Italian, and making a total ass of yourself.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

I heard that you were in Japan this one time and that you were walking past a dojo and then you walked into the dojo and then since you were so fat they made you an honorary sumo wrestler at the dojo and then you became the Grand Master of sumo wrestling and you smothered all the other sumo wrestlers with your fat but then you quit ‘cause it got too commercial.