Beast Banner May/June 2007
ISSUE #117
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Features

ArrowLet There be Retards
My Special Time at the Creation Museum

Ian Murphy

ArrowGhosts of Tim Leary & Hunter S. Thompson
Freedom vs. Authority under the 40-foot pulsating rainbow vagina
Joe Bageant

ArrowThose Lazy Iraqis
It's hard to pull up your socks when your legs have been blown off

Allan Uthman

ArrowHoward Zinn's Message of Hope
Extortion through inaction

A Monkey

ArrowThe Secret to Attaining Awesomeness
A lucrative six-step program
Phillip Kolba

ArrowJerry Falwell: Stone Fucking Dead at Last
A fond farewell
Matt Cale

ArrowAn Open Letter to Libertarians
An offer you can't refuse
Stan Goff

ArrowExperts: Cockburn Adds to Global Warming
Liberal pudit trades positions with GM

Charles Komanoff

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Non-threatening Negro Literature

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

 

The BEAST PAGE 3 Non-threatening Negro Literature

Name: Do You!: 12 Laws to Access the Power in You to Achieve Happiness and Success, by Russell Simmons and some white guy named Chris Morrow

Turn-Ons: Conspicuous consumption, Ice Cube’s family films, thousand-dollar sneakers, Tyra’s jugs, Oprah’s control of American cashflow.

Turn-Offs: Homey the Clown, Huey P. Newton, Black kids who say “nigga,” the IRS.

How I got to be the Beast Page 3 Non-threatening Negro Literature: After Oprah named me, she said that since everyone was falling for Barak Obama and saying how nice he was, she thought it was my time to show that my author Russell Simmons was also very harmless. When the Wall Street Journal featured me in its Airplane Reading section, lauding Russell’s “civilizing sensibility,” I knew The Beast guys would be impressed. After all, we’re all green on the inside. That’s why Russell’s hero, Donald Trump, wrote my forward. If I can’t show that even black people can aspire to become heartless, megalomaniacal wealth-acquiring machines, how can we expect them to assimilate into American society?

Future Plans: To convince television executives that I’m a great vehicle to launch Russell’s reality television career, leading African-Americans everywhere to shell out $25 for my inspiring words.

How I’d like to be remembered: As a milestone of the decade when rich officially replaced white.

 

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