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ISSUE #118
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Features

ArrowThe Avalanche Threat
No one is safe!
Allan Uthman

ArrowMr BEAST Goes to Washington
Power to the people, or something like it
Ian Murphy

ArrowGreat Moments in Fascist Punditry

ArrowSlippery When Wet
Al Gore, an inconvenient douche
Paul Fallon

ArrowAnts in a Jar
It's only the end of the world, so quit bitching

Joe Bageant

ArrowRah Rah Sis Boom AAAAAHH!
Text "dead cheerleaders" for relentless media coverage
Steve Gordon

ArrowDog Day
Wiener Binging at the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Contest
Andrew Blake

ArrowInterview with the Editor's Uncle

ArrowThe Second "Scoop"
Reflogging Palast and Perkins

A Monkey

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Headless Pharmaceutical Mascot

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

 

 

The Bourne Ultimatum

Iíve come around to The Bourne Supremacy since I harshly reviewed it back in 2004. Admittedly, I was more than likely pissed off because I only got to gaze upon Franke Potente for the first 15 minutes. Then the Parkinsonís car chases/kettle-whistle tour through the most haggard spots on the other side of the world didnít help.

But since the initial viewing Iíve come to appreciate The Bourne Supremecy as one of the better spy movies, actually surpassing many James Bond movies. Not exhibitionist, reasonably modest and still fun.

The Bourne Ultimatum seems to be offering some more of the same. Cryptic yet swift sprinting and other movements from the movieís star, Matt Damon. Paul Rudd spoke for us all when in The 40 Year-Old Virgin when he said, ďY'know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this one!Ē about the man in Bourne Identity, and Damon hasnít disappointed yet.

As Damon works his way up the Asshole Government Official Involved With His Amnesia food chain, he finds more clues about his past and gets closer to David Straithairn as the man who trained him. Joan Allen is back as Landy, and what would a Bourne movie be without the dumpy face of Julia Stiles? Plenty of trickiness and seizure and nauseous car chases also. The best part is that Bourne does it all in New York City. So yeah, looks good. Sorry, Iím actually kind of looking forward to The Bourne Ultimatum. I could say something about Damon being a Howdy Doody look-alike with street cred but itís just pointless now.

The Ten

Iím a big fan of The State and Wet Hot American Summer, so my opinion probably isnít going to count for shit here, but Paul Rudd narrating the trailer for The Ten (in which he also stars) and the quick random bytes of imagery werenít doing a hell of a lot for me. Rudd explains weíre going to see a vignette for each of the Ten Commandments.

We see Winona Ryder, Adam Brody stuck in the ground, a doctor who leaves a pair of scissors in a patient, Liev Schreiber buy a cat scan machine only because one being delivered to his neighborís house, some naked guys, Rob Corddry in prison, Oliver Platt rolling around on a pair of young black guys and Gretchen Mol get a rickshaw ride from a one-legged man. Some stuff was funny, but some stuff was whatever.

Then Rudd starts alphabetically naming off The Tenís cast with an accompanying shot of the respective star. Rudd stars off with Brodyís name dramatically and as he goes on he sounds progressively and incoherently more drunk with each name and when he gets to his own it sounds like teenage lions hissing at each other. He hocks up a loogie for Justin Therouxís name. Then lastly he drops Jessica Albaís name with the utmost of articulation. I am going to go see The Ten for that reason alone. I watched that part of the trailer 5 times and it didnít get old. I admit I wouldíve gone to see The Ten anyway, but this just means that Iíll be that much more pissed off when it most likely doesnít open around here.

Underdog

Weíve got a trailer for a live action version of a reasonably decent '60s cartoon. Underdog will be created through some really creepy CGI and voiced by Jason Lee. And itís horrible.

Granted, it was only 90 seconds of my life, but it was the way that it opened with that whole buildup like itís got something to do with Superman or someone cooler than Underdog. I can only help but wonder why Iím supposed to care about a live-action version of Underdog. The cartoon was okay but beyond acting as a capsule to another time no one gives a shit. Hong Kong Phooey was way better.

The average schmuck is going to watch the original cartoon of Underdog under a very specific set of circumstances: Itís 2AM,† youíre baked out of your gourd, and nothing else is on TV. Nobody goes out of their way for Underdog. So between the anticlimactic buildup and the creepy-looking computer-generated dog voiced by a Scientologist who isnít really a redneck but plays one on TV, Iím out. I fold. Done.

2 out of 3 of those things apply to me now and I truly couldnít care less. The trailer for Underdog is so incredibly bad! None of the quasi fun or charm from the cartoon. Just bad quips geared towards the special ed crowd. Bah!

Hot Rod

If youíre pissed that you have to wait the better part of two months waiting for the new season of SNL, you can watch Andy Samberg play a wannabe stuntman in Hot Rod. It looks kind of funny, but more in that who gives a shit kind of way, you know? Itís just bad comedy that, given the cast, is a notch above or below another bad SNL-based movie.

Weíve got the bad Jackass-like stunts thrown on some mildly funny physical humor. The asshole from Deadwood shows up for some Clouseau and Kato shit, thereís that cute redhead Ali G knocked up, good times for all. Weíll make fun of red states and itíll be awesome. Yippee.

Maybe on cable. Possibly from Netflix if I can ever get off my lazy ass and set an account up. Maybe sooner if a few miracles happen. Whenever.

Itís going to be another retard with a heart of gold story and so what? I guess it all comes down to how long you think you can stand to look at Sambergís face. Personally Iím surprised I managed to get through last season between that kidís head and Tina Fey leaving. Maybe this is the paint thinner talking, but Iím thinking Iíll see Hot Rod sometime in the distant future. I know as much as I careónot much either way.

Rush Hour 3

Thereís a really good reason why I havenít seen any of the other Rush Hour movies. Because Chris Tucker annoys the shit out of me and Iím from the action school of the kung fu movie, not the slapstick shit. Nothing beyond Dead Presidents or The Fifth Element and the occasional Bruce Lee or Jet Li flick.

So Iím looking at a third one where Tucker and Chan go to Paris. So weíll be irritating, pick on the French, go after a Bad Guy, get in some fights, look at some chicks, blah blah blah. So what?

Maybe itís fun but who really gives a shit? Some people think this is The Best Shit Ever and some people consider the Rush Hour movies a guilty pleasure. And some people drink a lot.† For me itís neither of the first two. Itís just really annoying. Shrieking, loud noises, explosions, Jackie Chan doing awful Mushmouth-from-Fat-Albert impressions. I just donít care at all and if I were still reviewing the movies instead of their trailers, Iíd blow off Rush Hour 3 in a second to do something more constructive. Like reading to an old and/or blind person. Maybe wash the car. Take the dogs for a walk. Anything else..! All I know is that the whoís on first rip-off made me want to go look for Jesus. Iím not sure if Iíd want to follow him or beat the shit out of him for letting not one, not two but THREE Rush Hour movies happen.†

Captivity

When the trailer began and I saw Elisha Cuthbert I got a little bit excited. Someone slipped her a roofie and further down the rabbit hole I went. She still looked good but she started whining. Admittedly if someone slipped me a mickey and shanghaied me off to some deserted warehouse Iíd probably be a bit that way too.

But as the trailer for Captivity (which stars Cuthbert and Some Dude as people abducted by some Evil Genius) went on she just started looking more and more like some spent truckstop hooker that lives off Red Bull and Red Dog. Whoever this Evil Genius was he just kept doing shit without taunting Cuthbert and Some Dude. It was a creepy attempt at a David Fincher masterpiece thatís more lame than anything.

When Captivity comes out on DVD, itíll probably have a commentary track rife with pretentiousness as itís writer, director, or writer/director wax ominously about how Kafkaís The Trial heavily influenced them while they created this. I expect it to end up on some Onion AV list.

Look, if you plan on seeing Captivity intentionally (not coincidentally or just happen to be along for the ride or end up at a drive-in some night) thereís probably something you should know: youíre dating the wrong people.

That guy from work? You knew that wasnít going to work out before you got his dick in your mouth. The fact that he didnít reciprocate afterward shouldíve raised a red flag. When youíre not dating, youíre either recycling exes or buying new vibrators. I mean, come on! This isnít Bridget Jones weíre talking about here! For Christís sake! God! Fuck!

So thatís my advice for the ladies this monthódonít let yourself go and donít be afraid to make the first move.

The Invasion

Iím thinking one of the only things worse than a remake of a horror movie is a remake of a remake of a horror movie. Third generation make any sense? But if youíre going to make the same movie (in this case Invasion of the Body Snatchers) for the third time you better have a pretty wicked ace up your sleeve. After all, the story doesnít quite have the exact same relevance as it did during the McCarthy era, does it?

I know, I know! Weíll get icy-eyed European types on the cast list. And instead of some raving loon shrieking ďyouíre nextĒ into the camera, weíll get Nicole Kidman as a woman fighting to the death to keep these things from getting to her child.

The Invasion is bad. Not bad because itís a story about aliens taking over the world by taking over our bodies, but bad because Daniel Craig is in it. And if Daniel Craigís here that means heís not making another James Bond movie. Craig was so great in Casino Royale that I think he should be locked up somewhere and should only be making James Bond movies. I donít like that! I plan on bashing The Golden Compass movie coming out later this year for the very same reason.

So we change up the dynamic, offer up an explanation (a space shuttle crash brings alien spores, radiation, something or other) and add a touch of creepiness. And no emotion whatsoeveróhence the overseas casting because they do it better. Nicole Kidman is so pale that sheís to a point where she looks like some twisted zombie vampire if her eyes get even the slightest bit red. (Iím not saying I wouldnít, I just might feel like it was necrophilia or something. but still.) Watching someone fall off a building in the trailer was cool, but no thanks. Really.

Superbad

Superbad brings with it one of those good for me bad for you types of situations. Itís good for me because I get yet another opportunity to let my own personal biases get in the way of good, old-fashioned objective journalism. I donít care because it doesnít matter one way or another for me to care. Itís bad for you because you may have to wade through some pious bullshit courtesy of me. Or not, your choice.

I think Superbad is going to kick ass. At the website thereís an R-rated trailer thatís funny as shit! At least worlds better than that minute-long one that tries to lure you to the website. The super dorky kid drinking with the idiot cops, the creepy round one trying to get laid. I think I heard one of them was on Arrested Development and the other was in The 40 Year-Old Virgin for a minute. But this trailer was pretty dirtyónot in a bestiality kind of way but theyíre talking about momís tits and Seth Rogen sports a pretty mean Hulk Hogan moustache. And theyíre rocking out to Panama by Van Halen. I canít really explain why but Iím already sold.

Halloween

Rob Zombie is like the Willie Nelson of our generation. Heís got great taste (just going by what I see him play when he hosts TCMís Underground on Friday nights) and from interviews Iíve read with him he seems like a stand-up guy whoíd probably be great to talk to and hang out with. But I donít really like anything that either of them have really done.

Willie Nelson is a cool guy. Heís a wise old hillbilly whoís cool to the environment and smokes weed. The cool old uncle everyone wishes they had. But I donít really dig on his music. I can listen to it, but Iíd never really buy it.

Then weíve got Zombie. Heís a film nut, heís well read and heís got the same birthday as I do. But he makes crappy Mario Bava-Chainsaw Massacre hybrids that I can kind of watch but would never buy.

So now Zombie makes a Halloween remake. It just looks like a slightly creepier version of John Carpenterís original. Malcolm McDowell plays Loomis, itís more gritty and blah blah blah. Donít get me wrong, Iím more interested in Zombieís take on Halloween than his other stuff, but I wasnít aware that the original had necessitated a remake. But there I go forgetting that Psycho was remade almost a decade ago and all bets were off at that point. Maybe this will be Zombieís Red Headed Stranger.

 

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