Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

It's okay that you were hoping for the death of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Leo. Just hope for it in a year and a half.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

It's not that people don't notice you're special, Virgo. It's that you're special in a really creepy way.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

Designing headphones that big and heavy that sound so weak and tinny makes you and your board of directors total dicks, Libra. It doesn't matter if you donate your entire net worth to saving African babies, you're a dick and will be until and after the day you die. Which is next Tuesday. The impenetrable molded plastic packaging didn't help either.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

It's not you're fault you're a schizophrenic, Scorpio. Turns out it was all the weed. And no, this isn't really about you.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Mitt Romney's favorite book is Battlefield Earth, Sagittarius. Seriously, I'm not saying don't vote for a Mormon, but a Mormon that loves Battlefield Earth? Hell no you don't vote for that!

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You’re simply not yelling at the TV loud enough, Capricorn. How do you expect the Yanks to win the pennant if they can’t even hear you?

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

I'm not saying you shouldn't be a cop just because you're five feet tall, Aquarius. I'm just saying getting shot with your own gun isn't as dignified as it sounds.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

I know you think you were a cat in a past life, Pisces, but now that you've been human for thirty years you should understand that people just don't generally think of wounded birds as good gifts.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You know, burning SUVs might not be the smartest way to protest pollution, Aries. And there are better ways to get laid, man.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

You're just going to get more bug bites if you insist on coating your legs with sugar.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

It's not fair to compare the Republicans to Nazis, Gemini. Nazis knew how to get shit done.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Trees are cool and all, Cancer, but they don't really have feelings. Except the one outside your bedroom window, but only at night when it grows a hideous, twisted face, and those feelings are limited to wild hatred and murderous rage. Keep the shades drawn, Cancer.