Beast Banner August 2007
ISSUE #118
Issue 116 Cover Small
Last Issue Archives Blog Comix
Web BEAST Blog
 
Contact Download PDF RSS Subscribe Advertise

Fuck the whales, save the BEAST - Donate now!

Features

ArrowThe Avalanche Threat
No one is safe!
Allan Uthman

ArrowMr BEAST Goes to Washington
Power to the people, or something like it
Ian Murphy

ArrowGreat Moments in Fascist Punditry

ArrowSlippery When Wet
Al Gore, an inconvenient douche
Paul Fallon

ArrowAnts in a Jar
It's only the end of the world, so quit bitching

Joe Bageant

ArrowRah Rah Sis Boom AAAAAHH!
Text "dead cheerleaders" for relentless media coverage
Steve Gordon

ArrowDog Day
Wiener Binging at the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Contest
Andrew Blake

ArrowInterview with the Editor's Uncle

ArrowThe Second "Scoop"
Reflogging Palast and Perkins

A Monkey

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Headless Pharmaceutical Mascot

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

 

 

SPECIAL TIMES SUBSCRIBER

Wow. That was a wonderful article [Ian Murphy, “Let There Be Retards,” issue 117]. I had to stop reading it five times due to outbursts of uncontrolled laughter. It just goes to show that your average retard is smarter than a creationist. You all would be going to hell if it wasn’t a fictional deterrent against behavior which does not conform to a religion’s code of conduct.

I know that many people need to believe in something to validate their existence and not take a swan dive off a tall building, and that when some people follow the message of their religion some good can result along with the bad (for example: the Crusades, Spanish Inquisition, suicide attacks, Gospel Music, etc.), but when common sense and scientific fact are ignored, it unleashes a mind-fuck upon any society of rational thought.

Keep up the good work.

- Fellow companion in hell if it wasn't a fallacy created to enforce religious codes of ethics

Dear Fellow,

You sure that swan dive thing is such a bad idea? Think outside the box, man.

 

ANOTHER INSENSITIVE JERK

Ian Murphy's article on the Creationist Museum was the funniest and most profound piece of work since Hunter Thompson's Fear and Loathing! Absolutely loved it and sent links to everyone I know!!!

Bob Kaplan

Dear Bob,

How dare you, sir? How can you laugh at jokes about the mentally disabled people who will never read or hear about this story? For shame! What would John Cleese do?

 

HST'S THE GUY TO BE

Fucking hilarious, guys! I found  your site via FARK, and I'm adding it to my favorites.

I've recently read "The God Delusion" by Dawkins and "God Is  Not Great" by Hitchens, and this article was the perfect desert to accompany that two-course meal. You used Thompsonesque style to great effect in this "Fear and Loathing in Ohio" piece, and I salute you. Keep it up!

Thanks,

Christopher Dobney

South Sioux City, NE

Dear Christopher,

Great, now Murphy's the new Thompson. Taibbi will be so relieved.

 

EVERYONE'S A CRITIC

Hey beast,

I gotta admit, after you changed formats this year, I found the new content a little heavy on politician-bashing and light on entertainment (trivial things make me giggle, especially when it's about Buffalo, and I guess I don't waste enough time on shitty national news to care as much about satire of it.)

All complaints are erased by the atheist-Ham-and-retard sandwich on your new issue's cover.  Please, make "the Special Times" a regular feature?

Pat

Hi Pat,

We thought you said “all complaints are erased?” We can still see them, Pat. You lied. The complaints are not erased and have irreversibly damaged our confidence. Expect a letter from our lawyer.

 

CHUCKLE-CHOKING

Your essay, "Let There Be Retards", almost had me spewing my 6" turkey sammich all over my monitor.  Thanks for the intensive investigative journalism at the Creationists' den of dullery.  Some years ago, I attended a "Back to Genesis" meeting at what we locals refer to as "6 Flags Over Jesus", the newly built fort called Lakeview Baptist Church. Ham and a "creationist geologist" were presenting their creationist drivel to those who would come.  At one point on Night 1, Ham's partner was showing a Power Point diatribe that featured pics of artist-rendered dinosaurs and asking the crowd if they knew what the creatures' names were.  Child after child in this University town yelled out the scientific names instead of the common names for the beasts.  The presenter hurriedly got to the textual slides after that.  And that's when I left, grinning and beginning to calm down.

Now, I'm sure your journalistic prowess can penetrate the halls of Congress as Michael Moore never dream of.  I look forward to more essays.

Go Dougie!

Thomas Hodges

Dougie responds:

Yaaay! I like dinosaurs! DINOSAURS! I like congress too! And senator Vitter! They call him “Vitter the shitter!” Uh-ohhh!

 

HAM SEES ALL

Just so you know, just in case you thought you were sneaky or below the radar, we let you come through the museum and conduct your "retarded" interviews. In fact we watched you the whole time you were here. Obviously we did not approve but being opening day and all we had bigger fish to fry. Just be advised that if any of these three show up again, they will be escorted of the premises.

Joe

jniemeyer@creationmuseum.org

Hey Joe,

If this were true, wouldn't it just make you seem even stupider? What “bigger fish” were distracting you while an atheist fake-retard was loudly disrupting your ribbon-cutting ceremony and force-hugging your CEO? And don't you fret, Joe—we'll be back. This time the retard will be someone else. Scrutinize the retards closely, Joe. To be safe, maybe you should adopt a “no retards” policy.

 

GORILLA THEATER

Brilliant, just fuckin' brilliant bit of guerrilla theater. I wish I could have at least been there to watch, if not to have somehow joined in.

I live in KY, 80-some miles away from the Mew-zee-um, and I remain appalled and embarrassed at the fact that such a thing could be created by supposedly intelligent creatures, and that it's right here in my home state.

Kick ass. Take names if you wish, but above all - kick ass. Especially when dealing with morons like Ham et al.

Rich Miles

Dear Rich,

We're not as surprised by the Kentucky location as you might think. But we do find it depressing that Australians are even dumber than you people.

 

THE KINDNESS OF STRANGENESS

Give Ian Murphy a raise because he's a genius. Give him anything he wants. He's a genius.

Pauline

Dear Pauline,

He wants an all-expenses paid trip to the back of your throat. Give it to him; he's a genius.

 

CANADAGORIPHOBIA

Sir,

I laughed until I urinated! Thank you.If I were brave enough to cross the border into your country I would love to see this museum for myself.

Ronald Reid

Dear Ronald,

For God's sake, don't do it, man! Here there be dragons! Dragons which are comically misinterpreted as evidence that men lived among dinosaurs. Really, that's what they think here. Dragons. Stay where you are.

 

DEBATING MR. STUPID

I only have one question for you "Mr. Logic"  Use your logic to prove how the earth was created and get back to me.

Sean Guillory

Mr. Murphy responds:

Dear Sean,

I dig the moniker. "Mr. Logic" sounds like a superhero – more powerful than Jesus even!

From what I understand about the universe, and our solar system to be more precise, Sean, the earth and the other planets were created roughly 4.57 billion years ago, when the heavier elements that formed in the violent birth of our sun coalesced into huge spinning masses that followed the gravitational pull of the new star. Eventually, and naturally, the lighter elements, like the atmosphere we breathe, were attracted to the new rocky masses. And to think our sun is a third generation star, meaning there's been two previous cycles of stars. It took 3 generations to build up the wonderfully heavy and complex elements we experience on the earth. This stuff takes time! Anyway, once you have an atmosphere, hydrogen and oxygen, it just takes a little more time, well a lot of time, and before you know it, there's these little self-replicating forms of proto-life, a purely chemical process, and water too! Add a few billion years and you have your hero, Mr. Logic, availing you of your ignorance.

Hope this helps,
Ian Murphy

 

A TAD SENSITIVE

Wow.  I've been trying to say this for sometime but Mr. Uthman did such an eloquent job, I am truly humbled [“Those Lazy Iraqis,” issue 117].  Kudos for stating the obvious so baldly and so well.

Catherine

Mr. Uthman responds:

Listen here Catherine, I may be thinning a little on top, but I am NOT bald! I do nothing “baldly,” madam; to the contrary, I am eminently hirsute in all matters! Retract your erroneous statement immediately, Catherine, or you'll be hearing from my barber!

 

HIGHLY SUGGESTIBLE

I am one of the gullible fools who read the quotes at the top and said wholeheartedly "I agree!" However, by the end of your article I had to say "Those Mother-*#!!$** got me too!" It's good to hear the other side of the story. It reminds me that I have also heard how "grateful" and "hopeful" the Iraqi's have been to have us there. Many of whom are afraid we'll leave and be back to square one.

Ali

Dear Ali,

Glad we could help. Too bad about the stupidity.

 

BLAME IRAQ FIRST

I get your point and it's pretty sad to see Dems making a 180, but Iraqi's do hold responsibility for this mess.  They let their country get out of control in the first place and an outsider had to come in to intervene.  It would have happened sooner or later and quite frankly it was time. 

Now that we are there and giving them plenty of opportunities (including logistics/$$$/expertise), it'/blood) it's time that they start taking control of their destiny. 

What's the alternative wise guy?  We leave and then what?

If it were up to me, I'd have blown that crappy country to hell more than two years ago when we first saw that things were spiraling out of control.  Lucky for everyone, i'm not in charge of this of course ship.

eff Bush too. he's no friend of mine

Lintball

Dear Lintball,

1. Go to the garage. 2. Find the biggest hammer you have. 3. Strike yourself on the head with as much force as you possibly can. 4. Repeat step 3 until you are unable to continue. 5. Die.

 

NAIVE

Great POV on this issue.  I'd expect this from the republicans, but I certainly did not see it coming from the likes of Hillary and company.  It's pretty sad and pathetic to see our "Leaders" doing this

Mark

Dear Mark,

Whose leaders?

 

MAGICAL SINKING

Excellent article.

My overall thoughts on the invasion and occupation are complex, as can be expected, but it's ridiculous to even begin to think the Iraqi's can make things happen on their own after all that's happened to their country in the past 25+ years.

Here's an idea, Washingtonians - how about you pull your head out of your butts and understand that no matter how noble our intentions may have been (and I'm an optimist, so I truly hope the myriad reasons given for the war are partially correct), Iraq is now a giant cluster-f***, and it's incumbent upon us, as the occupiers, to either set things right or get the hell out and let it devolve into whatever it's going to do anyway.

At this point, given the mismanagement from the senior political and military leadership, I'm leaning towards getting the hell out, since nothing else we're doing seems to be working.

Erik

Dear Erik,

Hate to break it to you, bud, but your thoughts are not that complex. You can “hope” all you want that the reasons given for invading Iraq “are partially correct.” That's not optimism dude. That's praying for a reshuffling of space-time.

 

CORRECTIONS

The real reason we went into Iraq was because Saddam was selling oil for Euros instead of Dollars. That would start the downfall of the fiat dollar and could not be tolerated. Now Iran wants to start trading oil for Euros. That also wont be tolerated. The president is doing his best to get us to invade  Iraq.

What we need is someone in the Whitehouse that isn't beholding to the corporations. We need to elect Ron Paul in 2008 if we want to keep our republic. He is the only one running in either party that is honest and trustworthy.

Joseph

Dear Joseph,

You mean “Iran.” And “White House.” And “beholden.” And “unelectable.”

 

JUST A LIDDY LOOK

joe bageant's ghostly memoir is great [Ghosts of Tim Leary and Hunter Thompson,” issue 117]. wonderful. thanks for that.

incidently, i attended the leary-liddy show when it came to new york. they just ran through what they already had done many times before and they took questions from the audience.

i just wanted a close-up look at the little heroic weasel.

ken rinciari

Dear Ken,

Did you happen to catch the name of his mustache dye? We're refinishing one of those Japanese lacquer cabinets.

 

I TOO AM AWESOME

After reading his preposterously pessimistic article I have decided that clearly phillip kolba is just another cynical denouncement-junkie [The Secret to Attaining Awesomeness,” issue 117].  i've been positively visualizing getting a snotty response to this posting and goddamn if it doesn't work!  p.s. if my positive thinking is not sufficient, I am more than willing to escalate to petty and then significant threats.   Look for fires/dead prostitutes in your slumpartments/trips to the Lincoln bedroom with mandatory  Laura Bush snuggle time (you could get an electrical burn if one of her wires bursts loose after you ejaculate demon spawn onto her immaculately-maquillaged visage).  Pps you'd also have to pay her dry-cleaning bill

tremble in fear!

margaret

Dear Margaret,

That's a pretty name. You should stop by the slumpartment sometime with a live prostitute and we'll give you all the snot you need. Hey, it works!

QUE?

in my point of view im mexican i have been watching your program many times (even i don`t understand 100% english)but i think you are a racist lou dobbs you are no standart in your opinions like other news person like 360" that guy i dont remember his name he present the 2 points of this inmigration ereform the good point n the bad point but you never do this so i desagree with your program )i don watch it any more you are out [Lou Dobbs, “Foreign Flags, Holidays Threaten America,” issue 97.]

ramsex domin

Dear Ramsex,

First of all, awesome name. In English, that name kicks ass. Secondly, we're not Lou Dobbs. But Dobbs is always hanging around at our parties, trying to act cool in front of the chicks. It's pretty sad. We contacted Lou with your message, and he responds thusly:

This no doubt illegal alien is at least making an effort to learn English, the great American language. But his error-riddled text is a good example of the serious crisis in English literacy in this country, which is being greatly exacerbated by the constant stream of brown, odorous native-types who speak Spanish. Why, just the other day, I overheard a group of young white men talking about “tacos” and “burritos” just as if they were speaking proper English. One even mentioned “fajitas” and suggested they go to the house of some fellow named “Don Pablo.” Surely this Latino gentleman was the one assaulting their grasp of their proper language. Such foreign words, as well as Chinese phrases such as “ping pong” are becoming ever more common in this country, and I hesitate to imagine the compromised, dirty mongrel tongue in which Americans will one day speak, if we don't line our borders with mile-high electrified titanium walls equipped with laser-guided dog-cannons that fire abused pit bulls at anyone who approaches without  their government-issued citizenship transmitter.

Go back to the dirt farm,

Lou Dobbs

MORE RAMSEX

Dear A. Monkey:

Kudos, sir! Spoken like a true Buddhist [Why is Sam Harris a Best-selling Atheist?” issue 116]. If you see the Buddha on the road, ram his head in your asshole.

Love,

Satan

PS: Your secret transcendental meditation mantra is "douchebag".

Dear Satan,

Namaste! As an obviously accomplished Buddhist we have an important question for you: Why are you such a dick?

ATHEISTS FOR RELIGIOUS ACCURACY

You are calling Christianity the white man's tribe, ignoring the majority of American blacks who profess Christianity.

Oh, as well as like expanding parts of Africa.

Your connecting belief in particular types of bullshit with any person's ethnicity is PRECISELY the problem Harris, Dawkins, Hitchens are trying to deal with.

Tyler Bass

Dear Tyler,

That's funny; we thought the problem those guy were trying to deal with was the fact that people are idiots who believe twisted fairy tales to be literal truths. But we agree: black Christians are just as dumb as white ones, and they should get their due. PRECISELY.

WE THINK SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

Paul Fallon's column "In Defense of Ann Coulter?" [issue 115] is one of the most insightful columns I've ever read.  I think he's on target 100%  It's nice to know there are people out there who can still think independently

Michael Kleen

Dear Michael,

You should try it yourself sometime.

[sic]OPHANT

You guys can fucking write like no one else. Thank you and keep it coming.

nevermind

Dear Nevermind,

No. Give us money.

 

Ads

 

Textbook125x125

Banner 10000035button

Banner button

button

button



send your ill-informed ravings to us here
Affiliate Sponsors
MotoSport, Inc.|Netflix DVD Rentals. NO LATE FEES; Free Shipping. Try for FREE! | music123.com | Direct2Drive
T-Shirts only $14.99 when you buy 3 or more at CCS.com | Shutterfly.com | LinkShare Referral Prg
© Copyright 2002-2006, The Beast. All rights reserved.