Quit Yer Hitchens
Flinging Feces at Hypocritical Hominid Chris Hitchens
In some respects, I am a well-connected monkey.
Not put into print before is this little story about Christopher Hitchens,
which I allege is a secondhand 87% accurate account — I’m not sure about
the exact sequence of events: Christopher Hitchens knocked up his mistress-turned-girlfriend-turned
second wife when she was in the girlfriend stage and he was still doing
the divorce paperwork from the previous hitch. He paid for the abortion
himself, with his ex-wife’s credit card.
Imagine that. Imagine opening your monthly bill and seeing that item
from a medical clinic for $800 or so for an “unwanted pregnancy procedure.”
Not an opportunity to restage Kay Adams’s ultimate Fuck You to Michael
Corleone: “Oh, Hitch. Hitch, you are blind. It wasn't a miscarriage.
It was an abortion. An abortion, Hitch. Just like our marriage is an
abortion. Something that's unholy and evil!” No, the marriage is over,
and that particular Fuck You is yours to keep, and yours to pay off.
I can’t offer too much sympathy for the former Mrs. Hitchens because
she must be a nasty piece of work to have enjoyed his company for the
years they were married, nor can I the current Mrs. Hitchens for her
marital predicament — I met her once and she was a snotty bitch.
Passing the buck on that abortion must have been tough on old Hitch,
because he recently wrote in Newsweek, "Every Catholic is
supposed to regard abortion as an abomination (and, if it matters, I
concur)." When Hitchens gets in ink fights with respectable journalists,
his main employ is pedantry—his explanation for this quote given his
personal experience would likely be that he meant what he wrote: that
he concurs that Catholics are supposed to regard abortion as an abomination.
It’s sad in a way about that abortion, because it means my kids won’t
have the pleasure of mocking and snarling at a Hitchens-bylined piece
like I get to. His two children with his first wife show no promise
of success at the family business. And Hitchens has a young daughter
with his current wife, but female journalists just do not rise to the
kind of prominence he has. And something tells me the canceled baby
was going to be a boy, but -- ha,ha -- not a goy as you might have supposed.
No, no: Hitchens is a Jew!
This is something that serious Hitchens fans have known for some time,
but it was revealed to me in a recent Times of London cozy interview
with the man: “He discovered late in life that he was Jewish, his mother’s
family having changed their name from Levin.” Levin, Hitchens, what’s
the difference, right?
It really shouldn’t matter to the author of God Is Not Great,
but it does. He told the Times that he observes Passover and
that he is pushing that shit on his daughter, so she knows “what the
tradition is.” This means in one little nutshell that despite spending
his time attacking religion quite rightly as an occupation for “slaves
and fools,” his own understanding of the implications of this are virtually
nil — about as naive as the Welcome to the Dollhouse Wiener Dog
girl’s voluntary and punctual appearance at the dumpsters after school
to “get raped.” It means that despite writing pro-evolutionary statements
like “we have common ancestry with apes,” Hitchens doesn’t understand
that he’s a fucking monkey himself.
There’s a rhetorical fallacy identified as the “undistributed middle”
— cases where the arguer states a claim and then draws a conclusion
about the claim without justifying why the conclusion is valid.
The undistributed middle between Hitchens observing Passover and my
conclusion that he’s not aware of his own monkeytude is that self-aware
monkey humans couldn’t possibly laugh at religion yet still participate
in its traditions. If Hitchens knew he was a monkey he wouldn’t just
be appalled at the Jewish Faith, he’d be appalled at its rites, because
notwithstanding their religious connections, rites are what monkeys
use to affirm tribal affiliation — just as loathsome and destructive
as God worship.
Of course, traditions like the fantasy baseball and astrology play their
tribal ID role in the same way that Passover does. But we come to discern
our own tribal delusions in degrees and Passover is a big bright red
flag; it’s directly tied to that dangerous religious thing. And it’s
the relative ideological strength of tribes, not their ever-evolving
gods, that underwrites much of the world’s worst skull-piling sessions
we see today. Hitchens is something of a student of the occupation in
Iraq, a tribe-underwritten conflict if there ever were one, but I’m
getting ahead of myself.
There are unlimited examples of tribal rites surviving as gods die or
get replaced. Within the White Tribe, we have the Mormons, who do practically
everything a good Christian is asked to do during Sunday services, with
the only substantial departure being that the Mormon god’s approach
to the “be fruitful and multiply” side of things makes the Pope sound
like a virginity pledge team leader (Have you seen those portrait photos
of the 80 grinning dumbfucks that make up Mitt Romney’s “immediate family”?).
Or take what happened when Western missionaries went to the Philippines
and tried to sell Christ the Redeemer to a bunch of blood-loving animal
killer-worshipers. They weren’t having any of the miracle-in-the-manger
material, but the crown of thorns, the crucifixes, and the blood! That
got them. The missionaries sent letters back home requesting paintings
of Jesus after he’d been through the wood chipper and overwrought renditions
of disemboweled martyr apostles, and it worked. The Jesus they worship
in the Philippines today looks pretty much the same.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that it’s rites like Passover
and Easter that are at the forefront of strengthening this idea that
the monkeys have some deep association with each other, which are even
worth dying or killing for to protect “our way of life.”
There are always moments where the god that the tribe was worshiping
no longer jibes with the times — ordinary experience clashes with God’s
Word, and people start to jump ship looking for something new to believe
This is that moment for a growing number of monkeys who make up the
Grand White-Jewish Tribal Alliance (yeah motherfucker, that’s what this
thing is). You have Jews in Berkeley who go through the motions of Yom
Kippur and spend the rest of their time testing out Hindu chants and
Hatha postures to find a viable replacement, whites in L.A. sniffing
at the luxury complexes that house L. Ron Hubbard’s sci-fi-based faith,
and lots of others hanging on as best they can to the white-knuckle
rollercoaster of Enlightenment thinking, even if they haven’t fully
caught up with where it’s taken them.
Hitchens is on that rollercoaster, taking occasional gulps of Manishevitz
when the ride gets too hairy. Hitchens popularity as an author marks
his stance as representative of a lot of the rest of us on that rollercoaster.
They can see that religion is BS, but they don’t want to opt out on
the other narcotic effects that tribal membership confers them. And
oddly — delusions don’t have to be intellectually consistent to function
— members’ annual fees still include somewhere from reluctant to unquestioning
acceptance of the “value” of religious traditions and occasional participation
in them, even though they recognize religious contexts as meaningless
at this point.
Proof that Hitchens only sees an inch past his atheism is everywhere
with him — that Passover shit is enough to put him away forever, but
his sincere attempt to gin up fear and hatred for Muslims in America
gives him away just as easily.
There was a militant Muslim bakery in Oakland that had some crooked
dealings behind the scenes; small stuff like racketeering, some payback
murders and tax evasion. A reporter started snooping and the Muslim
bakers shot him too. Hitchens didn’t see it for what it was: just some
thugs. For Hitchens it was another iteration of this looming civilizational
clash. I’ll give him the last word:
“If I had stood outside that hideous bakery with a sign saying "Black
Muslims Are Racists and Fanatics," I think the cops would have
turned up in a flat second and taken me into custody. I might well have
been charged with a hate crime. As I have written before and am sure
I will write again: This has to stop, and it has to stop right now,
before sharia baking comes to a place near you.”