The BEAST PAGE 3 Near-Apocalyptic SNAFU

Name: Nuke-laden Boeing B-52 Stratofortress

Turn-ons: Lucky breaks, 3-level activation systems, living on the edge, getting my nuke on

Turn-offs: Internal Pentagon investigations, bomb-ophobes, the North American XB-70 Valkyrie

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 Near-Apocalyptic SNAFU: So, okay, probably I shouldn't have flown from North Dakota to Louisiana with six nuclear warheads attached to my cruise missiles. But look, I've been doing this shit since '55, mmkay? You think I'm just gonna go “oops” and drop an H-bomb on my beloved nation? It's not like we flew over San Francisco or something. Joking; just joking, people.

Future plans: For the next few years, I'll be inspiring a broad array of conspiracy theories, from “the nukes are meant to be dropped on Iran” to “al Qaeda was attempting to get nukes from their moles in the Air Force.” Who knows? The warheads sat on a runway in Barksdale for ten hours before anyone noticed. Maybe there was more than six of them. Am I freaking you out yet?.

How I'd like to be remembered: As a hardworking bomber who made an honest mistake. Let's not forget all the foreigners I've killed, now. I'm going to be in service at least until 2040, making me the longest-serving military aircraft ever. Take that, English Electric Canberra!