Beast Banner September 2007
ISSUE #119
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Features

ArrowFred Certain
Thompson's idiot appeal
Allan Uthman

ArrowLarry Craig's Guide to Restroom Hand Gestures

ArrowThe Mayor's Anus & Me
Roughing it for a living wage
Ian Murphy

ArrowThis Beast in Science
A primer on the effects of a black hole on former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales

ArrowQuit Yer Hitchens!
Flinging feces at a hypocritical hominid

A Monkey

ArrowLOLNews
Current events, enhanced by internet idiocy

ArrowWho Wants to be an Imperial Occupier?
More good news from Iraq
Steve Gordon

ArrowPolitical Plutonium
The end begins in Iraq
Stan Goff

ArrowJose, Can You See?
Patriots Trounce Padilla

ArrowThe Great American Media Mind Warp
A feast of bullshit & spectacle
Joe Bageant

ArrowHave You Seen this Millionaire?
Steve Fossett, America's fastest dead guy

Erich Shulte

ArrowJohn Solomon, Media Assassin
Can a single reporter knock off a presidential candidate?

Alexander Zaitchik

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Near-Apocalyptic SNAFU

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

 

The BEAST PAGE 3 Near-Apocalyptic SNAFU

Name: Nuke-laden Boeing B-52 Stratofortress

Turn-ons: Lucky breaks, 3-level activation systems, living on the edge, getting my nuke on

Turn-offs: Internal Pentagon investigations, bomb-ophobes, the North American XB-70 Valkyrie

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 Near-Apocalyptic SNAFU: So, okay, probably I shouldn't have flown from North Dakota to Louisiana with six nuclear warheads attached to my cruise missiles. But look, I've been doing this shit since '55, mmkay? You think I'm just gonna go “oops” and drop an H-bomb on my beloved nation? It's not like we flew over San Francisco or something. Joking; just joking, people.

Future plans: For the next few years, I'll be inspiring a broad array of conspiracy theories, from “the nukes are meant to be dropped on Iran” to “al Qaeda was attempting to get nukes from their moles in the Air Force.” Who knows? The warheads sat on a runway in Barksdale for ten hours before anyone noticed. Maybe there was more than six of them. Am I freaking you out yet?.

How I'd like to be remembered: As a hardworking bomber who made an honest mistake. Let's not forget all the foreigners I've killed, now. I'm going to be in service at least until 2040, making me the longest-serving military aircraft ever. Take that, English Electric Canberra!

 

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