Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Virgo, Your story about stepping in Arlo Guthrie's poo is less impressive than you think.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

Your career as a suicide bomber will be ironically cut short when you are blown up by an IED en route to your target. Try to act surprised, Libra.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You wouldn't have as much trouble with men leering at you if you covered more than 20% of your body at a time, Scorpio. Also, you should know that butt tattoos and pierced tongues are universal symbols for “easy.” Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

We must never forget the terrible events that took place on September 11th, 2001, Sagittarius. Your severe anterograde amnesia is no excuse.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Your obsession with Jessica Simpson's breasts would be fairly normal, Capricorn, if only she weren't your daughter.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Pulling a rabbit from a hat is not a bad trick, Aquarius, but it's important to make sure it's still alive. You're going to have to move to another state if you plan to continue working birthday parties.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

You'd be a serious MILF, Pisces, if the F stood for “fumigate.”

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

I know you're an outspoken Christian conservative homophobe, Aries, but after Jeff Gannon, Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Bob Allen, and now Larry Craig, don't you think it kind of makes you look gay? Maybe it's time to become a closet homophobe. I'm sure your “racquetball partner” would appreciate it.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

An elephant never forgets, Taurus but your great grandmother thinks you're a guy she had an affair with for 35 years.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You may enjoy CSI and Crossing Jordan, Gemini, but becoming an autopsy specialist is not actually a good way to meet babes.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Come off it, Capricorn. If “the Matrix” were real, don't you think you'd be better looking?

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

Your wife is right, Leo: even though the film inspired his conception, no judge is ever going to let you name your son “Asian Buttsex.”