Beast Banner September 2007
ISSUE #119
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Features

ArrowFred Certain
Thompson's idiot appeal
Allan Uthman

ArrowLarry Craig's Guide to Restroom Hand Gestures

ArrowThe Mayor's Anus & Me
Roughing it for a living wage
Ian Murphy

ArrowThis Beast in Science
A primer on the effects of a black hole on former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales

ArrowQuit Yer Hitchens!
Flinging feces at a hypocritical hominid

A Monkey

ArrowLOLNews
Current events, enhanced by internet idiocy

ArrowWho Wants to be an Imperial Occupier?
More good news from Iraq
Steve Gordon

ArrowPolitical Plutonium
The end begins in Iraq
Stan Goff

ArrowJose, Can You See?
Patriots Trounce Padilla

ArrowThe Great American Media Mind Warp
A feast of bullshit & spectacle
Joe Bageant

ArrowHave You Seen this Millionaire?
Steve Fossett, America's fastest dead guy

Erich Shulte

ArrowJohn Solomon, Media Assassin
Can a single reporter knock off a presidential candidate?

Alexander Zaitchik

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Near-Apocalyptic SNAFU

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

 

DAS BOOT IN YOUR ASS

Oh really?  We are too sensative to false terror attacks [The Avalanche Threat,” issue 118] ?  You mean like the one in Germany that was just stopped?  The one that the German gov't said would be bigger than any before with the possible exception of 9-11?  Looks like the timing of your article was poor....the proof is int eh pudding folks.  We need to wake up and fight this fight so that we can truly move on.

Samuel

Dear Samuel,
Oh yeah, you mean the one that German authorities were on top of for the past six months? The one that was picked up using the old, unrevised FISA law? Wake up yourself, Sam. Every time they find a frog with a firecracker up its butt they say it would have been the worst thing since 9/11. But hey, keep fighting that fight! After all, it's not like our continued killing and domination of Muslims could exacerbate the situation.

WE CONCUR

 You guys are just too good. Your topics, your logical analysis, the scathing and sarcastic-to-the-bone language you use all makes up a bomb of an article. Keeps me wondering if a Beast-after-Beast will at some point in time lead to a revolution !! Keep doing it into them guys.
Milind Palsule

Dear Milind,
We appreciate your appreciation, but revolutions are so 230 years ago. We'd be happy if we could just get Glenn Beck canceled.

MANSES

I like the sexually frustrated theory.  Makes total sense at the biological level.  I agree with you that if a man does not get his love drink out of his body within a week or so, we tend to get angry at the world like a woman on her period.
Karl

Dear Karl,

KILL YOU! MUST KILL! AAAAAHHHH!

A SHARP ASSESSMENT

you need to be famous so you can explain to people in this country why they are being such morons. the avalanche threat article was great. 
sakura

Dear Sakura,

Wait—we're not famous?

[sic]KO

 Michael Moore is an irrelevant fat ass [Slippery When Wet,” issue 118].  Sicko was a flop compared to Fahrenheit and it's because everyone decided to look at the man behind the curtain. That man is nothing more than a blow hard who likes to give it but hates to take it.

Pollack

Dear Pollack,

You know, “man behind the curtain” implies a hidden person behind the scenes. Michael Moore narrates and stars in every movie he makes. How does it make any sense to call him that? Besides which, Moore received much more intense criticism for Fahrenheit 9/11, because jackasses like you get ornery when someone insults your Imperial Daddy. Also, a blowhard is someone who brags excessively—like Donald Trump, say. Are you getting all this, Pollack? So, aside from these nonsensical statements, you argue that Moore is fat, and that Sicko didn't sell as well as his last movie. We're going to go out on a limb here, and guess that you just don't like Moore because he's smarter than you. Probably better looking, too.

IT'S DARK UP MY ASS

I applaud you on your ingenious comeuppance of the intellect deficient Ken Ham [Let There be Retards,” issue 117]. However, I must question your use of the word "retard" to describe Mr. Ham. Would not "hottentot" be a more fitting slur?

Lord Monboddo
Greyfriars Kirk, Edinburgh, Scotland

Dear Lord,
No. No it really wouldn't.

YO HAM

"retards like the zoo"

Watched Rocky last night just to see that quote. Laughed my ass off.
Jay Malloy

Dear Jay,
Okay then.

RETARDY

One of the funniest/true articles I've read in a long time. Best line: We were about to bear witness to a magnificent abortion of reason—and we were late. I’ve never felt more American in my life.

Simply amazing, keep it up.
Julia

Dear Julia,
Keep up being late? We can probably do that for ya.

HAM ON THE BARBIE

 Dear Beast & Contributor Rich Miles,

firstly, why is Beast surprised Australians are dumber than Kentuckians? Rich, you seem the full quid.

I think the article, aimed at every half poached egg that ever dragged their knuckles on the planet, was not slamming the great state of Kenfetti so much as proving to the world that the country that gave us the 'Crocodile Hunter' has just reached a new low.

Cheers for the article, and chin up Rich.

Rob.

Dear Rob,
You've never been to Kentucky, have you? There's a reason the Australians put the museum there, and not in Sydney.

HOT PHILOSOPHY

No, no , no--nitwits- Why do you have to get so complicated about why Harris is popular [Why is Sam Harris a Best-selling Atheist?” issue 116] None of the answers you come up with are right.

The truth is that many people have taken an interest in religion lately because they are bothered by the radicalism of Islam . Most books written by atheists are captivating at first but people just haven't got time to read and read and read to find out what the auther is saying, and the other authers always write huge long books. Sam Harris's books are shorter and to the point. People can understand what he's saying because they can take it in and not lose a lot of precious time.

Second, Harris himself is an attractive writer; an attractive person. The same goes for politicians--the most appealing candidate gets the most attention. It's simple---unfair , but human nature. Simple, simple , and don't make a big arguement about it. Just like in business, what sells is the most attractive thing. Business, candidates etc.
D. Ward

Dear D.,
So you like Sam Harris because his book is short and he's a hottie. Gotcha. Maybe he'll make a music video and you can skip reading altogether, you goddamn intellectual giant.

CAPTAIN TEDIOUS

please note; 911 was an intel-op. see below for proof

http://www.ae911truth.org/

Larry Axelrod

Dear Larry,
Oh shut up. Like we never heard that shit before. Please note: you're more gullible than a Mormon.

SO OVER IT

I have noticed that you are no longer going after local politicos & general scumbags.

Is this because they have all cleaned up their act and no longer have anything for you to work with?

I have taken to picking up my copy of The Beast at my local liquer store (On The Rocks), and handing over my 2 bucks to be placed in an otherwise empty envelope.

We still have a mayor that you can convince that he is being considered for the lead role in the upcoming debut of an updated "Good Times"(Dyn-o-mite).

Anyway, I hope to find some scandalizing a little closer to home in future editions.

Keep up the good work,

al w.

Dear Al,
Since this broke-ass town refuses to support us, we are now selling in different cities. For some reason, people in other cities don't give a rat's ass about Buffalo. Go figure. We will fuck with the locals from time to time, though. We wish we could quit you, Buffalo! No, really; we do.


CABLEVISION

Has anyone else noticed that John Rigas has this freaky Klaus Kinski look in his eyes?  All that's missing are the screeching monkeys.
David Group

Dear David,

With any luck, his eyes are even wider now that he's in the “pokey.” Good luck Rigas; guess you should have given more money to Republicans.

WHEN TAGGERS ATAK

I live south of the city, and whenever I come to buffalo, looking at the graffiti is one of the main attractions. I think there is more Atak, Hert and Jet pieces in this city than most people even realize. Most of them are on long forgotten freight cars, the sides of abandoned warehouses and buildings that are, well frankly, half destroyed. You know what one question everyone has forgotten to ask? What's so great about a drab gray concrete bridge pillar? Why do we cherish such blank, boring buildings? There is now public outcry when there is a graffiti piece done in an alleyway somewhere behind the bars on Chippewa. Take a look around. High unsolved murder rate, shootings every other day, arson, drugs, Unbelievably high TAXES! There are bigger problems. Our representatives lie and cheat and don't pay their taxes, let their wives run up expensive lunches on the expense account, and the people on Elmwood are saying oh, lets prosecute these kids. Rubbish.

Mary Kay

Dear Mary,

But all the graffiti makes the city look like it's...poor or something! And that's just not true. After all, we're richer than a whopping one American city. Honestly, we'd be more inclined to defend these guys if they'd paint something interesting. The real forgotten question here is, “What's so great about writing your stupid name all over the place?” Seriously, give us something: stick figures, a smiley face, anything really.

UNSOLICITED ADVICE

I think Gildea should try something new.  He could do a couple album reviews, for instance.  That way he could write about a few things he likes and still shit on a few people.

I think it might do him a little good and I am interested in what he listens to.

On the other hand, Gildea does seem like the type of guy who wants to be depressed, so maybe someone else could do it.

Monkey can do his little book review, Gildea can review two-minute segments of movies, and someone else could do a little music review.

I need something more since you put out so few beasts.  It would be nice and wouldn't force you to lose too much of the laziness you so love.

Just a thought.
Adam Feser

Dear Adam,
Fine, here's your music review: Everything that came out this year sucks. Satisfied? We thought not.

EASIEST MARK EVER

In the article [The Secret to Attaining Awesomeness,” issue 117] you made the following proposal:

“Visualize that you’re awesome.” Because you are. Also visualize sending me $9.95 to receive a certificate stating: “Cleopatra agrees: ‘I’m totally awesome.’ ”

I have visualized all of the above, however to complete the transaction I require an address to which I will send the required $9.95. As hard as I try to visualize, I for some reason can't visualize your address, please help. Also this requires an urgent response as I wish to apply for a new job in the near future and would very much like to include a certificate of awesomeness as one of my life's accomplishments. Thank you.
Anton

Dear Anton,

Okay then, send the money to:

The Beast
712 Main St.
Buffalo, NY 14202

And we'll uh... print something up for you.

OBAMA GUY

My name is Bryan Barash and I'm a 24 year old marketing professional from Long Island, NY.  Please consider publishing this small piece I have written, which I feel will help clarify the question of experience in the Presidential campaign for people who may not be well informed:

"I think it's worth noting, and this gets left out often, that Senator Obama has held elected office for longer than either Senator Clinton or former Senator Edwards, he was just a state Senator for much of that time.

As a state Senator, he worked more closely with the people and their day to day problems.  He also taught constitutional law and worked as a community organizer to help those who were disenfranchised.  Who better than a professor of constitutional law to restore Habeas Corpus and our rights to not be spied on without a warrant.  He has championed open government, ethics reform, and campaign finance reform throughout his whole public life, and was made the point man on ethics in the Senate in his first year.  And he is the only candidate to have the foresight to be against the war from the beginning.

Now, you tell me who really has better experience for leading this country?  I think the answer is clear..."

Thanks for taking the time to consider my request.  I hope to hear from you about whether you plan to use this small piece or not.  If there is anything else you need from me, or if you would like me to provide sources for the facts presented in my argument, I will gladly oblige.

Regards,

Bryan Barash

Selden, NY

Dear Bryan,
Sorry, but we don't do dull bullshit. Run along now, you little scamp.

FELT COOL ONCE

Hey,
Just read your "most loathsome" -- haven't laughed that hard since I was kicked out of sophomore English in 1973 for playing the Firesign Theater's "Child's Garden of Grass" LP.  Joan Wahlmeier's mother came to school the next day and lectured me on the dangers of pre-marital sex.  It didn't help.  Indeed, it was already too late for me. 

Thanks for needed belly laugh.  Your work is masterful --

Best regards,

Doug Harvey

Lawrence, KS

Dear Doug,
Thanks for the sadly braggadocious anecdote.

TYPOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED

Are you f-er"s still out there, I know I am computer iliterate but the web issue is from april, should I subscrie, or are you selling us swamp land in florida! ? Is that buffao adress foney & why the hell dont you have a G.D. phone # for subscription, get with it already, we are trying to give you some money for an f-ing order & you dont even have a decent way to be contacted! A-holes! Please e-mail me back if you idiots exist, so I can start paying for something I used to get for free!, You may have a good " paper" but Dammmm, thanks alot you dweebs. You lowlifes are my kind of people.

Mark C.

Dear Mark,
Quit bitching and give us your money.

ATKINS DISTRIBUTION

WTF you stopped shipping your issues to frankie's donuts in NF. I'm leaving to go on the road for a year and you have already deprived me of 2 issues (likely 3 but we'll only count since the last drop). Come pick up your six or eight bucks there and drop off the next issue. The old men there love to berate your shit and it's honestly the only thing giving them meaning.
John

Dear John,
Yeah, we heard about that giving old men meaning thing, so we had to stop sending issues there. Subscribe, cheapo.

GOOD GRIEVANCE!

It's been a while since you guys announced the bitchy Mayor Scorpio's attempt to disbar Paul Fallon.

I thought that you guys would update us with more information about what happened, but as of yet I haven't seen or heard anything from any media venue about what the hell is happening.

Has anything happened to the Evil Publisher and indicted accomplice to a hilarious gag? Or is the legal process even more ridiculously slow than I think it?

Finally bothering to ask

P.S. I think the nightlite you gave Gullerstein last issue burned out, the 'scopes were out of order.

Dear Finally,
Unsurprisingly, the grievance was dismissed and all is well. The committee found there was “an insufficient basis for a finding of professional misconduct." It was in the Buffalo News and everything. Our revenge is still pending.

UNIVERSITY OF FEE-NICKS

 Hey, how come you guys don't do an expose on the education industry in the Buffalo area?

Next to big oil, banking, and pharmaceuticals, these arrogant parasites have a sellers market with echo boomer kids ready to shell out their parents' hard earned 529 plans.

By the way, you guys have a temp job for me?  I'm semi-literate having been educated outside of this country.  (An advanced degree from UB just doesn't cut it, man.  The education industry's a sham!)
James H. Burnette

Dear James,
Again, we're leaving Buffalo to the wolves, bioinformatics and all. And anyone educated enough to understand such an article would already know what a dismal racket education is here. And anyone who didn't know would
n’t read it. Maybe we could make a music video...

BASSHOLES

The following appeared on the Buffalo News website, I didn't see the paper itself but it looks like it's the opinion of the newspaper. The piece is about the Bass Pro store.

"Calculations are that the store would also generate some $3 million a year in sales taxes, as well as draw other businesses that would also help fill the public till."

I want to point out, by way of simple math, that the store, assuming it is ever built, would need to have sales of around 33 million dollars a year. This works out to roughly $690,000 per week in retail sales or almost

100,000 dollars a day. This should strike anyone familiar with downtown Buffalo as absurd on its face.
jean claude dehmel

Dear Jean-Claude,
But all it takes is for one person to buy $100,000 worth of fishing accessories per day, and we're all set!

DISPLACES MUCH WATER

Re: Billy Fuccillo

We are really catching it here in Rochester with Billy's unending ads. I am so grateful for your telling the truth about this obnoxious bully whois stressing people out in the most insensitive way.  Right on!

Jay D

Dear Jay,
You keep him for a while; we were just starting to forget about him. It would be really... massive of you.

 

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