  Spears’
Mitochondria Descended from Bacteria
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Sources close to Britney Spears’ inner circle
have confirmed reports that some components of the fallen diva’s
cellular structure may have once lived freely as bacteria. Mitochondria,
known as the “powerhouse of the cell,” provides Spears’
cells with much needed oxygen. According to OK! Magazine, the relationship
between Spear’s mitochondrial organelles and her eukaryotic animal
cells is thought to have evolved approximately 1.6 - 2.1 billion years
ago through symbiosis.
It is estimated by scientists that Spears has upwards of a trillion individual
cells, each containing the bacteria-descended mitochondria. “That’s,
like, gross,” says long-time fan Jennifer Wilkes. “After all
she’s gone through lately with the VMA melt-down and the loss of
her children that I felt sorry for her, but now, I don’t know if
I can ever look at her the same way again, knowing that she’s genetically
related to early bacterial life forms.”
Senator Sam Brownback has echoed this popular concern and plans to move
for Spears’ impeachment. “We will not tolerate celebrities
who harbor bacteria!—especially fatties!” Brownback spoke
passionately to a group of delighted supporters on Friday.
Hearings are scheduled for early November.
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