Beast Banner October 2007
ISSUE #120
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Features

ArrowThis BEAST in Science
Our guide to mind-boggling presidential illusions! You won't believe your eyes!

ArrowGhostbusters
Democrats cross streams in Turkey
Allan Uthman

ArrowYear of the Rat
A campaign 2008 diary
Matt Taibbi

ArrowAll About the Benjamin
Canada boots CodePink leader
Ian Murphy

ArrowDuh, Hillary is a Woman
The inevitable vadge in chief
A Monkey

ArrowCritical Massimo
A chat with Massimo Pigliucci, godless heathen

ArrowSo Sleazy an Ad Man can do It
The evolution of product placement
Steve Gordon

ArrowParty Poopers
Rehab for Grand Old Perverts
Rich Herschlag

ArrowSome Brief Thoughts on Abortion
Proffesor H. T. Muttonchops

ArrowInterview with Ron Hawkins
Lowest of the Low frontman is surprisingly un-stupid

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowPastor John Hagee Launched on Iranian Nuclear Facility

ArrowBritney Spears' Mitochondria Descended from Bacteria

ArrowDan Jumbo Threatens Local Wildlife

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Freaky Sci-fi Reality

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowActual Movie Review: The Darjeeling Limited
Matt Cale

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

 

Pastor John Hagee Launched
on Iranian Nuclear Facility

PERSIAN GULF—Texan evangelical preacher John Hagee was fired from a custom-made missile battery on the aircraft carrier USS Nimitz early Tuesday morning, according to French and Russian intelligence agencies. The bloated Christian Zionist leader and author of Jerusalem Countdown was aimed at the Natanz Uranium Enrichment Facility, two hundred miles south of Tehran. The preemptive strike is thought to be part of a joint venture by US and Israeli forces to “decapitate” Iranian nuclear capabilities and hasten the coming apocalypse, weather permitting.

Neither the US nor Israel have confirmed the attack, but French sources claim Hagee was fitted with a high-tech satellite positioning unit to ensure accuracy. The Iranian nuclear plant is located nearly a hundred feet underground in a concrete bunker, estimated to be at least ten feet thick. Hagee was chosen for the mission over conventional weaponry for the ability of his greasy hair and ultra-dense skull to penetrate and destroy the underground facility.

Iran has yet to comment on or retaliate to the reported strike. According to biblical scholar Glenn Beck, who refers to Hagee as “the Lord's bunker buster,” the spirit of Hagee is “prophesied to be reincarnated in the body of a mouse, gerbil, shrew or similar vermin, at which point he’ll board an oil tanker and return to his Houston area ministry to await the end times,” which Beck insists will come “any minute now,” adding that he looked forward to the rapture, because he is “absolutely not gay at all.”

 

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