Beast Banner October 2007
ISSUE #120
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Features

ArrowThis BEAST in Science
Our guide to mind-boggling presidential illusions! You won't believe your eyes!

ArrowGhostbusters
Democrats cross streams in Turkey
Allan Uthman

ArrowYear of the Rat
A campaign 2008 diary
Matt Taibbi

ArrowAll About the Benjamin
Canada boots CodePink leader
Ian Murphy

ArrowDuh, Hillary is a Woman
The inevitable vadge in chief
A Monkey

ArrowCritical Massimo
A chat with Massimo Pigliucci, godless heathen

ArrowSo Sleazy an Ad Man can do It
The evolution of product placement
Steve Gordon

ArrowParty Poopers
Rehab for Grand Old Perverts
Rich Herschlag

ArrowSome Brief Thoughts on Abortion
Proffesor H. T. Muttonchops

ArrowInterview with Ron Hawkins
Lowest of the Low frontman is surprisingly un-stupid

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowPastor John Hagee Launched on Iranian Nuclear Facility

ArrowBritney Spears' Mitochondria Descended from Bacteria

ArrowDan Jumbo Threatens Local Wildlife

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Freaky Sci-fi Reality

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowActual Movie Review: The Darjeeling Limited
Matt Cale

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

  Dan Jumbo Poses Threat to Wildlife

BUFFALO, NY—Celebrity carpenter of the TLC home makeover series “While You Were Out” Andrew Dan Jumbo has struck again. In June—some may remember—the Buffalo resident was detained at an American Red Cross charity event for belligerent disruption. The charges were dropped. Now, The BEAST has learned that Dan Jumbo is engaged in something far more sinister.

“I’ve seen him in Delaware Park,” says an unnamed source, “force-feeding cocaine to squirrels.” Dan Jumbo reportedly lures the squirrels with cashews into a finely crafted oak trap with Celtic patterned cedar inlays. Once captured, Dan Jumbo pries open their mouths and spits a mixture of milk and cocaine down their gullets, which he has lovingly prepared in his own mouth. “Then he shouts,” adds the eyewitness, “’Me Dan Jumbo! Lord of all squirrel-kind!’”

Frenetic and disoriented, the squirrels then bolt up the closest tree. Many succumb to heart failure just a few feet up the trunk. “It’s really demented,” says our source. Dan Jumbo then collects the small corpses in a burlap sac, and uses them to make a “magic stew” that is said to enhance his “carpentry skills.”

 

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