 Dan
Jumbo Poses Threat to Wildlife
 BUFFALO,
NY—Celebrity carpenter of the TLC home makeover series “While
You Were Out” Andrew Dan Jumbo has struck again. In June—some
may remember—the Buffalo resident was detained at an American Red
Cross charity event for belligerent disruption. The charges were dropped.
Now, The BEAST has learned that Dan Jumbo is engaged in something far
more sinister.
“I’ve seen him in Delaware Park,” says an unnamed source,
“force-feeding cocaine to squirrels.” Dan Jumbo reportedly
lures the squirrels with cashews into a finely crafted oak trap with Celtic
patterned cedar inlays. Once captured, Dan Jumbo pries open their mouths
and spits a mixture of milk and cocaine down their gullets, which he has
lovingly prepared in his own mouth. “Then he shouts,” adds
the eyewitness, “’Me Dan Jumbo! Lord of all squirrel-kind!’”
Frenetic and disoriented, the squirrels then bolt up the closest tree.
Many succumb to heart failure just a few feet up the trunk. “It’s
really demented,” says our source. Dan Jumbo then collects the small
corpses in a burlap sac, and uses them to make a “magic stew”
that is said to enhance his “carpentry skills.”
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