Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Yes, Libra, your body is a cooperative aggregation of microscopic organisms,
which are themselves similar networks of smaller organisms, and your consciousness
merely a convenient illusion created by some of them. Still, you should
call your mother once in a while.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
What are you even doing, Scorpio, talking about carbon dating? You don't
know the first fucking thing about carbon dating, aside from what some
creationist idiot said on the radio this morning, do you? In fact, I happen
to know that, whenever you say the phrase "carbon dating," you
picture two cartoon carbon atoms holding hands and smiling. Surprisingly,
aside from the heads and limbs, the imaginary atoms are fairly accurate
depictions of Buckminsterfullerenes.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You're not an asshole because you sell drugs, Sagittarius. You're an asshole
because you sell shitty drugs that don't work. Stop being an asshole.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
I understand you're fond of saying that the troops know we can win in
Iraq and we need to give them the chance, Capricorn, but yet another recent
poll shows that three quarters of the troops in Iraq think we should get
out within the next year. So shut the fuck up.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Your secret laugh-suppression campaign to make your boyfriend feel like
he's not funny is peculiar and cruel, Aquarius. You're basically just
a mean old cunt, and I'm glad he's boning your half-sister. She laughs
a lot, you know.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
Pisces, your cross-genre blaxploitation/monster movie screenplay, "Godzilla
Jones," will become an unlikely smash hit, but your career will be
tragically cut short when you are crushed under a giant coke spoon during
production, and plans to make your Yiddish Sci Fi epic, "Attack of
the Jewmanoids," will fall flat.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
I know it's a classic show, once the best thing on TV, but it's time to
face the truth: "The Simpsons" just isn't that good anymore,
Aries. It's actually pretty mediocre at this point. And just try to tell
me that movie wasn't dogshit. It's time to let go.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
You will be killed by a drunk driver on Thursday, Taurus. But it's okay,
because he's a celebrity.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini, your ill-advised attempts to give yourself "Incredible Hulk
Syndrome" are only going to give you anger issues and inoperable
cancer. Turn off Fox News and the gamma ray generator now, and you may
keep a testicle.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
For future reference, Cancer, killing a guy when all you were trying to
do was shoot the cigarette out of his mouth does not qualify as accidental
death. Ponder that for the next 35 years.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
It turns out that over half of lipstick contains lead, Leo. So really,
your poor academic performance is directly connected to your mother's
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Your boss is a jerk, Virgo, but he is certainly not piping evil thoughts
into your brain through your computer monitor. That's his secretary doing