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If I’ve orated thusly once, I’ve orated thusly a thousand times: The Irish are sub-human scum.

They infest our nation as if a plague of bubonic magnitudes. Their peculiarly foul, oft inebriated penchants for debauched vileness assault the delicate, gentile natural sensibilities of true-blue Americans. Their filthy and barbaric musings interrupt the talkies, and sap our vitreous humours by sheer effrontery to our very ethical foundations as moral, decent men of reason. They take our jobs, spread disease, bring street crime and speak in a cretinous manner. I for one will not stand idly by to see my great country engulfed by The Blarney Menace!

Our broken border policy of just a few short generations ago has proven a disaster. Lady Liberty, her libertine French perfume now sullied by the reek of soured whiskey, the once proud patina of her flowing gowns of freedom now stained the tincture of rotten potato peels, stands a traumatized wench doomed to a shallow existence of servile Leprechaun concubinage. We need to take back our country and her pride, by Jimminy!

One need only look at a signpost such as the sports and entertainment industries to see the Irish making good where they shouldn’t be allowed: Eddie Murphy and his goonish clone Charlie, Shaquille O’Neil, another crude comedian Eddie Griffin, to name just a small fraction of the foul Irishmen ruining our nation.

What? OH… Well, hmm, well indeed. Let us not split hairs! Black, Irish, what’s the difference? Both terrible races. And Mexicans too! Actually, the only group for which I have no disdain are Native Americans. What? No. European Americans!—not from Ireland, you know—real white people. Them and Lou Dobbs. I fucking love Lou Dobbs!