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ISSUE #121
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Features

ArrowPolitical Shrinkage
Clinton the castrator induces pundit panic
Allan Uthman

ArrowMeme-ry Problems
An extremely long & sexy essay
Ian Murphy

ArrowGod Hates Women
Religion & feminism do not mix
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThe Gift of Graft
Corruption can save the nation
IOZ

ArrowShit Storm
God gets even with gays, turds rain from sky
Effrey Daniel

ArrowThe Biggest Lie
When does the lesser evil become just evil?
Stan Goff

ArrowKill the Precedent
Congress does nothing, so we can hope
Ian Murphy

ArrowIrish Get Out!
An Ol'-Timey Opinion

ArrowI Saw Ween
And lo, they did rock
Andrew Blake

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowBurnt Toast Resembles Prince, Prince to Sue Toast

ArrowChinese Poison Imports Tainted with Toys

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Inane Friedmanism

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

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Burnt Toast Resembles Prince, Prince to Sue Toast

LOS ANGELES—After a recent row with fans over the unauthorized use of his image on websites, Prince has again gone on the offensive, threatening legal action on a piece of burnt toast, which some say bears his likeness.

“That toast ain’t nobody,” Prince squealed from behind a velvet-wrapped podium at a Beverly Hills press conference yesterday. “It’s just using my image to make something of itself, trying to get itself a little attention, make a little money, but that toast ain’t nobody special. That toast ain’t no Prince, baby.”

“I think he’s lost his mind,” counters Beverly Smith, the California lawyer hired to represent the toast. “It does look like Prince,” admits Smith, “but you can’t sue a piece of burned bread. There is no legal precedent.” The toast itself has declined to comment on its ongoing feud with the pop star.

In response to Smith and other critics, Prince plans to embarrass the toast with a thoroughly funky musical dis. “That toast won’t know what hit it,” Prince cooed in a high-pitched falsetto. “I’m gonna be all ‘Bow, chicka, chicka, bow, wow, chick—oooo, baby, damn!”—and that’s were the horns come in trilling between C and C sharp, that’s also where that nobody toast learns a real life lesson: don’t mess with Prince, baby.”



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