Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Your new iPhone is really cool. Now you can surf the net, e-mail, listen
to music and watch video on the go, wherever you are. Now maybe you should
go outside.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
This month, you may notice that pillows are fluffier, music is sweeter,
and you feel a deeper connection with the people you meet. This is because
your wasted teenager stashed 30 ecstasy tablets in your Brita water pitcher
and forgot about it. Enjoy the oneness.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Good move getting all those piercings. You don't want guys thinking you're
not trashy enough.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Your mother loves you, but that doesn't mean she's not a total bitch.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
When your boyfriend swears he's not going to put those videos you made
together on the internet, he really means it. But he's keeping extra copies,
you know, just in case things don't work out.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Why would the Linksys corporation bother to make your wireless usb network
adapter work, when they can still get your $60 without bothering? Good
thing you've got that 50 foot ethernet cord.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
The reason your cats won't come upstairs is that you're being slowly killed
by carbon monoxide up there.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You didn't get arrested because of your political views. You got arrested
because you stood up and started shouting in the middle of an organized
event. You could have shouted, "Support the troops! Call your mom
and tell her you love her!" and you still would have been arrested.
Think you're helping, really?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Mountain Dew is not love. But it is totally extreme!
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
I'm going to go out on a limb here and state definitively that not a single
person who supports Dog the Bounty Hunter is going to vote for Hillary
Clinton. They will line up to vote for a cross dresser though.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
If you really want to keep that man of yours, you're going to need more
chloroform.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
It's a good thing the constitution grants you the right to own a gun,
because your wife is going to shoot you with it.
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