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ISSUE #121
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Features

ArrowPolitical Shrinkage
Clinton the castrator induces pundit panic
Allan Uthman

ArrowMeme-ry Problems
An extremely long & sexy essay
Ian Murphy

ArrowGod Hates Women
Religion & feminism do not mix
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThe Gift of Graft
Corruption can save the nation
IOZ

ArrowShit Storm
God gets even with gays, turds rain from sky
Effrey Daniel

ArrowThe Biggest Lie
When does the lesser evil become just evil?
Stan Goff

ArrowKill the Precedent
Congress does nothing, so we can hope
Ian Murphy

ArrowIrish Get Out!
An Ol'-Timey Opinion

ArrowI Saw Ween
And lo, they did rock
Andrew Blake

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowBurnt Toast Resembles Prince, Prince to Sue Toast

ArrowChinese Poison Imports Tainted with Toys

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Inane Friedmanism

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

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TEABAG OF VICTORY

Matt, you really don't know the state of play [Matt Taibbi, “Year of the Rat,” issue 120]. Listen, go to intrade.com. You'll see that according to the collective opinions of people putting money down on the outcomes of the primaries, Ron Paul and McCain are not hopeless cases at all, carrying better odds than that slimy weazel from North Carolina. You'll also see that Clinton is the presumptive nominee for the Democrats. Dean was trading at 50 cents to the dollar at his peak. At 70 cents to a dollar, informed people, not hacks like you, are betting that only a serious setback stands between her and the nomination. In fact, she probably will win Iowa, she has a lock on NH, NV and FL, and probably will win SC. Edwards? He's already toast. Oh, and Kucinich? At zero bid, that sums up the fruitcake congressman pretty well.

well, Ron Paul is trading up to 9, ahead of Thompson. Not bad for a guy mentioned in the NYT maybe once a fortnight. And Clinton? She has a lock on everything, except maybe Iowa. Matt, you should write something about Paul, for once you could be ahead of the curve. Yes, I know, you called the Russian default in July 1998. I got news for you babe. When Russian debt was trading at 40 cents to the dollar, everybody knew a default was coming.
Nameless Ass

Dear Ass,
We're going to go on record here: If Ron Paul wins the Republican nomination, we will suck your balls [Uthman alone will suck your balls. -Murphy]. We will suck them well and long, and allow you to take pictures of the event and mail them to our parents. Mmm'kay then?


FAN[sic]

Well, strangely enough it seems that like that nice man Glen Beck was wrong [“Pastor John Hagee Launched on Iranian Nuclear Facility,” issue 120]. For some strange reason I’ve been reincarnated as a cockroach and am currently scurrying my way back to Texas where I intend to continue my work, denouncing the gays and abortion before inevitably being squashed by that janitor who used to work for my non-profit organization.
But the ride on the oil tanker my joyful journey was marred when among when the Bible I was reading was cut out to hide drugs and I was forced to read this piece of shit you call a magazine.
How dare you give a platform to that dangerous man, Professor Muttonchops [“Some Brief Thoughts on Abortion,” issue 120]. To systematically break down the abortion debate into a rational argument, and not even use rhetoric to defend the lives of innocent clumps of cells…it makes me sick. I will him know that the moment of conception comes, at least for me, five minutes after regular porn. The times with gay porn didn’t work out so well.
Everyone knows that the point at which a fetus is considered human life is directly found in the Bible in…in…you know, that section. And there is no way that modern reason and evidence could ever contradict a book written over six thousand years ago after being passed down my oral tradition. Each word is sacred!!!
Remember, my outspokenness against homosexuality makes me super, super not gay, no matter what they find in my porn collection.

John Hagee

Dear Pastor Hagee,
Wait a minute—Glenn Beck was wrong? Come on, no way!


NO CHILD LEFT ALIVE

Similar view on abortion - life comes from passing a series of tests; genetic, organogenic, birth, etc. Well over half of all pregnancies self-terminate due to faulty DNA or organ damage. They weren't alive to begin with, they failed the test. Same with children dying in childbirth, or who are born alive but lack a brain. Either way, to be pro life requires ignoring biology.

Akendzio

Dear Akendzio,
We're pretty sure being born alive without a brain is also integral.


NOMINATIONS BEGIN

Dianne Feinstein, I hope, should make it now to the loathed 50
George Scharenberg

Dear George,
But...but...if the Democrats didn't approve Mulkasey, Bush would have had to appoint an interim AG without their approval! That would make the DoJ's actions seem...illegitimate! We can't have that.

JESUS WILL KICK YOUR ASS

You guys are kind of funny, but you definitely don't mind taking a bit of fact, mixing it with opinion and presenting it as true (or takking the side of people who do, e.g. Chomsky). Kudos on reprinting the Danish cartoon; unfortunately America's mainstream press is only free for certain groups these days. By the way, I'm a devout Catholic and (you having attended the Mike Seaver thing) I'm sure you don't need to be reminded that evry idle word will be given account of (including your cracks about Jesus, before whom you WILL one day bow); however, truly free speech is bound to offend now and then, so...one last point, if you guys are so into Chomsky and these other secular-progressive intellectuals who wouldn't know an honest day's work from a non peer-reviewed journal article, why are you doing this instead of that?
D

Dear D,
This is easier. But yeah, we're sure the Vatican is a much more reliable source of information than Chomsky.

KIDS KILL THE DARNEDEST THINGS

Abortion! Who wants to kill some fuckin kids!?
Man, that shit was spot on! Love the logic in the recent article! Babies should be given the same rights has housepets in my opinion: if you want, you can kill it and bury it in the backyard. That's your choice, but it's illegal to can't torture it or make them fight each other the way mike vick did with dogs (although that would make for an awesome subculture, draging two babies in chains to abandoned shacks in the woods, droping them in a pit, and placing your bets)...but I digress, it's about time somebody droped the dopey sentimentality and got real on this issue......and I have a favor, could you guys talk to my girlfriend, yall word it better, she's knocked up and not budging on this abortion thing! holla
Johnn Gautreaux

Dear John,
We imagine you've provided your girlfriend much better reasons to get an abortion that we can offer.

[sic]RELIGE

Dear Beast,

I'm trying to spread the word about my new "invention." Well, ok I didn't invent it, I just gave it a name. Its called a Pat Robertson. You take a dump on a girl (or guy)'s chest and wipe it off with the bible.

Sincerely,
Josh

PS: I know its early but can't wait for the 50 Most Loathsome people of 2007!

Dear Josh,
If you really can't wait, we suggest writing it yourself and then sending it to us. That would be most helpful in expediting the process.

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

This is hilarious! [Rich Herschlag, “Party Poopers: Rehab for conservative perverts,” issue 120]. I needed some comic relief from all every day crap and you gave me a toilet bowl full. Thanks
Toysrus

Dear Toysrus,
Yes, but how many toilet bowls of comic relief would you have to eat to equal the nutritional value of just one bowl of Total?

CAN'T SPELL “CUBICLE”

OMFG this is sooo funny. I printed this out and it now hangs on my office cubical. Touche’ my friend.
BlingBling

Dear Bling,
Glad we could brighten your dingy, monotonous hell slightly.

FREE OFFER!

Hey man - loved your article about rehab for conservative perverts. I noticed you don't have your own site. I'd love to grow my own a bit by adding a new writer or two. It's just a little blog I've been writing for several years without much of a following, possibly because I'm not able to get new material up frequently enough. In any event, if you have any interest in contributing, you have a perfect sensibility for my site. Also, i've had a little trouble being funny lately. I'd love to have your sense of humor on-board.
Best,
CP
chronicallypissed.com

Dear CP,
Dude, we totally have our own website. Thanks though, for offering to use our work for free.

HYPOCRI[sic]

these guys are total hypocrites. It pisses me off everytime this happens (priest rapes kids, or senator takes anal in bathroom and then condems fags on senate floor etc.)Great write up
Jeebs

Dear Jeebs,
What if the senator's a woman? We're thinking maybe Blanche Lincoln, or Mary Landrieu. Mary McConnell's also not bad. Or all three? Like, you're the senatorial janitor or something, and you walk in to clean the ladies' room, and there they are on the floor, all ready for hot anal action, and they're like “whip it out, stud; it's time for a congressional probe,” or something. Then they could walk right out the the floor and condemn homosexuality, and they wouldn't be hypocrites, right? Is it hot in here?

CON[sic]E

Disgusting [Ian Murphy,”Let There be Retards,” issue 117]. What's the point?
Valerie

Dear Valerie,
Um...well... creationists are dumber than retards? It's not really that cryptic.

WOODWINDY

Editors:
Unfortunately, Ms. Goldman seems to think that she's Laurie Githens
(perhaps you remember her) who was a truly humorous and gifted writer [Donnie Dobovich, “I Hate You: Mary Kunz, vessel of mediocrity,” issue 56].

Somehow the powers that be at The Buffalo News got bamboozled by this
wanna-be with the assistance of Jeff Simon. I recently asked Mr. Simon,
as Arts Editor, to have someone else review Elizabeth: The Golden
Years because Ms. Goldman's review was so biased. The response I got
was that she's "a gifted writer." Good lord! If she's a gifted writer
then I'm Gertrude Stein.

Ms. Goldman (and why do we have to hear about "the guy Buzz married?")
offends a lot of people every week. And her music reviews are just
plain ignorant. I played several kinds of clarinet for more than 20
years in various orchestras and concert bands, and she knows nothing of
music, how it is produced or written. I don't know why she still has a job.

F. Reynolds
Buffalo, NY

Dear F,
If you're going to ask and answer your own questions, we're not bothering to come up with a witty reply. You see, in the context of the Buffalo News, mediocrity is a gift. And Goldman is extremely gifted.

YOU MEAN “FUNNY?”

Bastard childs of Hunter S. Thompson - you're what the Onion hasn't been for a long time.
David

Dear David,
Ah yes, who can forget the halcyon days of the Onion, that old bastion of Gonzo journalism? Apparently, we can.

OEDIPAL-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

Dear NSA,
..I realize you guys have quite a large job ahead of you [“I'm Listening... Advice from an NSA Spook,” issue 92]. I mean; closely monitoring the day to day activities of nearly 3 hundred million people is no simple task. It is for this reason that I have decided to volunteer my services to you. My theory is, if more people would begin to closely monitor themselves then it would relieve a ton of pressure and time from all of..you.

For instance, the other day I secretly recorded a conversation between me and my mom. Now, at first glance it seemed like just an ordinary talk between a mom and her son. I was asking about this years garden and she would explain her technique for canning and freezing to preserve the summer harvest so as to feed the family through the cold winter months. The talk continued, however I was growing increasingly impatient. Anxious to begin my investigatory work. I quickly cut her off just as she was beginning to describe this sweater that she had been knitting for grandpa. "mom I have to go, theres something burning on the stove!" ( a clever lie!) As soon as we said goodbye I feverishly rushed to the tape recorder to examine the evidence. I played the tape over and over again tirelesly looking for clues but nothing was showing up. "There must be something!" I mumbled out loud. It was well into the night now and growing increasingly delusional from exhaustion I was just about to call it quits...Then. As if..it were a message sent down from god himself... It struck me. " What if I play the tape in reverse! " I exclaimed out loud. My heart began to race, my palms were sweaty. I Quickly began to examine the tape again, but this time backwards. My pulse quickening with each passing second. "What would I find?" I knew I was on the right path. All of my years of reading encyclopedia Brown novels was now begining to pay off. And then; right in the middle of my mom describing to me the superiority of.. heirloom varietal seeds, I heard it.The moment I had been waiting for...I was able to vaguely decipher in reverse the true meaning behind this " inocent conversation" And what I found was astonishing. This was no ordinary sunday afternoon mom and son talk; oh no. What i was able to uncover was a sinister terrorist ..plot to blow up the Dunkin Doughnuts on the corner of virgil and lexington in downtown LA... I gleamed with satisfaction at my latest discovery.. I was the one one smart enough to crack this highly evolved terrorist code. A code that was being delivered from the lips of the very woman whom had given birth to me and changed my dirty diapers. I was the one who would save the lives of tens of people. I was a hero!

So please NSA you must act soon, for our lives and our freedom are at stake. You must not let these freedom haters destroy such a great symbol of Amerika. I will continue further investigations and keep you up to date on anything new.
kristopher Woyshner

Dear Kristopher,
We appreciate your diligent work, and your mother has been detained. However, in the future it is not necessary for you to write us, as we are currently monitoring your thoughts. Stop touching yourself.



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