Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
What would happen if you put off procrastinating? Just curious.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
If I’ve told you once, Aquarius, I’ve told you a million times:
a regular dozen is for fools; now, a baker’s dozen, that shows character.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
I know you didn’t believe her when she pulled out that old gem,
“It’s not you; it’s me,” but technically she was
telling the truth: you make her sick.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
The 100,000 twinkling lights you stapled to your house for Christmas don’t
make you look stupid. Your face does.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
You’re going to die someday. That’s it. Oh, wait, did I write
someday? I meant Sunday. You’ll die this Sunday. Absolutely.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Yeah, yeah, you won a Nobel Peace Prize. Good job. Now could you tell
your cable channel to stop airing stories about magic crystals and psychics?
It just makes you look like an asshole, so say the stars.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If the universe is infinite and there’s a finite amount of combinations
of matter in the universe, then you’ve existed before and you’ll
exist again. That said, you live the same exact life over and over again,
but for some reason you can’t remember to floss.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Your life is hell because you live in Florida. Move.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
If you’re going to shoot up a mega-church, Virgo, try practicing
your marksmanship first. Four deaths? That’s pathetic.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Your “yearly lap around the sun” doesn’t count as exercise,
Libra.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Scorpio, I’m glad to see you’ve finally broken with tradition
and decided to fill your own cavity.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Sagittarius, I think Dostoevsky put it best when he said, “Sagittarius,
you’re a dildo.”
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