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ISSUE #122
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ArrowThe BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2007
Because there just wasn't enough hate this year.

ArrowThe Grasping
Crashing "Black Friday"
Andrew Blake

ArrowStop Being an Asshole
I'm talking to you, punk
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowDictator Humbly Accepts Electoral Defeat is he a dictator?
Stan Goff

ArrowThe War On The War On
A metaphorical atrocity

ArrowGrowing Up Ganja
How I learned to stop partying and get a real job
Effrey Daniel


ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Desktop Battle Scene

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowSilent Night, Deadly Night
Actual Movie Review
Matt Cale

Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters




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Best of The BEAST 2007

Let There Be Retards
Ian Murphy's "Special Time" at the Creation Museum in Kentucky. Sure to enrage anyone who is religious or just has sympathy for the mentally challenged. With video of our stealth "interview" with anti-science lunatic Ken Ham.

The BEAST Reprehensible Guide to Campus Massacres If it makes you laugh, you're a bad person!

The BEAST Guide to Mind-boggling Presidential Illusions You won't believe your candidate!

Chattin' with Chomsky The esteemed prof finally explains why he hates America

Schlep Boys An allegory for teflon punditry

Ghosts of Timothy Leary & Hunter S. Thompson Freedom vs. Authority under the pulsating rainbow vagina

The BEAST Guide to Presidential Campaign Tiers How does your favorite rank?

Those Lazy Iraqis It's hard to pull up your socks when your legs have been blown off

The Britney Budget: How will celebrity haircuts affect the GDP?

Ye Neocolonialists Dems poised to pillage Iraq

Taking One for the Tribe The Times lies & we're having fun

The Avalanche Threat No one is safe!

Menace in Seat 36F: A true story of airport insecurity

God Hates Women
Religion & feminism do not mix

The BEAST Last-minute Tax Guide & Civil Disobedience Primer: Warning--may be illegal

The Truth Spin: Honesty is the best foreign policy

Mr. BEAST Goes to Washington Power to the people, or something like it

Interview with Brad Friedman Who will steal the next election?

Current events, enhanced by internet idiocy


Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
What would happen if you put off procrastinating? Just curious.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
If I’ve told you once, Aquarius, I’ve told you a million times: a regular dozen is for fools; now, a baker’s dozen, that shows character.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
I know you didn’t believe her when she pulled out that old gem, “It’s not you; it’s me,” but technically she was telling the truth: you make her sick.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
The 100,000 twinkling lights you stapled to your house for Christmas don’t make you look stupid. Your face does.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
You’re going to die someday. That’s it. Oh, wait, did I write someday? I meant Sunday. You’ll die this Sunday. Absolutely.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Yeah, yeah, you won a Nobel Peace Prize. Good job. Now could you tell your cable channel to stop airing stories about magic crystals and psychics? It just makes you look like an asshole, so say the stars.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If the universe is infinite and there’s a finite amount of combinations of matter in the universe, then you’ve existed before and you’ll exist again. That said, you live the same exact life over and over again, but for some reason you can’t remember to floss.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Your life is hell because you live in Florida. Move.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
If you’re going to shoot up a mega-church, Virgo, try practicing your marksmanship first. Four deaths? That’s pathetic.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Your “yearly lap around the sun” doesn’t count as exercise, Libra.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Scorpio, I’m glad to see you’ve finally broken with tradition and decided to fill your own cavity.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Sagittarius, I think Dostoevsky put it best when he said, “Sagittarius, you’re a dildo.”

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