Beast Banner January 2008
ISSUE #122
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Features

ArrowThe BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2007
Because there just wasn't enough hate this year.

ArrowThe Grasping
Crashing "Black Friday"
Andrew Blake

ArrowStop Being an Asshole
I'm talking to you, punk
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowDictator Humbly Accepts Electoral Defeat
So...how is he a dictator?
Stan Goff

ArrowThe War On The War On
A metaphorical atrocity
IOZ

ArrowGrowing Up Ganja
How I learned to stop partying and get a real job
Effrey Daniel


Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Desktop Battle Scene

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowSilent Night, Deadly Night
Actual Movie Review
Matt Cale

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

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Best of The BEAST 2007


Let There Be Retards
Ian Murphy's "Special Time" at the Creation Museum in Kentucky. Sure to enrage anyone who is religious or just has sympathy for the mentally challenged. With video of our stealth "interview" with anti-science lunatic Ken Ham.

The BEAST Reprehensible Guide to Campus Massacres If it makes you laugh, you're a bad person!

The BEAST Guide to Mind-boggling Presidential Illusions You won't believe your candidate!

Chattin' with Chomsky The esteemed prof finally explains why he hates America

Schlep Boys An allegory for teflon punditry

Ghosts of Timothy Leary & Hunter S. Thompson Freedom vs. Authority under the pulsating rainbow vagina

The BEAST Guide to Presidential Campaign Tiers How does your favorite rank?

Those Lazy Iraqis It's hard to pull up your socks when your legs have been blown off

The Britney Budget: How will celebrity haircuts affect the GDP?

Ye Neocolonialists Dems poised to pillage Iraq

Taking One for the Tribe The Times lies & we're having fun

The Avalanche Threat No one is safe!

Menace in Seat 36F: A true story of airport insecurity

God Hates Women
Religion & feminism do not mix

The BEAST Last-minute Tax Guide & Civil Disobedience Primer: Warning--may be illegal

The Truth Spin: Honesty is the best foreign policy

Mr. BEAST Goes to Washington Power to the people, or something like it

Interview with Brad Friedman Who will steal the next election?

LOLNews
Current events, enhanced by internet idiocy

 


THIS BATHWATER JUST NEEDS A LITTLE WORK

I think you make a great point in your article [Allison Kilkenny, “God Hates Women,” issue 121] ... but is it anything more than a rant? You don't make it apparent that you support modernization of old religious ideas or any sort of coexistence, so is your goal only to make it clear that someone should be either on one side of the fence or the other? It doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment to simply say: "If you're religious, you hate women; if you're a feminist, you hate religion; and if you don't, you're an idiot."

Earl

Dear Earl,
Not much of an accomplishment, perhaps. Just true.

FAX TO SIKH

Being someone who considers themselves somewhat religious and somewhat feminist, I found your article interesting and confronting.

Yes, religions founded by men, whose religious books are written by men, tend to be full of issues with women. As most of the history of the world has been written by men, women are screwed well and truly.

But for a lighter note, in contravention of your claims, there is one religion where men and women are treated equally (to my knowledge, I'm happy to be wrong). Sikhism. I'm not a Sikh, so I'm only saying this because I'm generally curious about religions and tend to go off reading about them.
Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,
Hey, that’s right! You get to carry a dagger around too. Plus they think sex is evil. Hey gals, it’s perfect! Oh yeah, except it’s still predicated on preposterous supernatural horseshit.

PARADE RAINED OUT

I get your point, and there's in my opinion a lot of truth to what you say, but i disagree with your conclusion.

I'm not religious, and i have many times gotten mad at the discrimination of women by religious people.

But on the other hand, i think that religion over the times has functioned as early ways of institusionalizing what in the respective societies was seen as good morale and values, and simply the right way to interpret the world around them, and, sadly, that included discrimination of women.

Still, before we had the more advanced organs of control and sanction of today, the perception of the sacred and divine and a common set of belief in many cases functioned as mediums of stabilisation in society and facilitation of trade, although it's far from a perfect system and often used with bad motives.
Ok, to get to the point - in my opinion, increased knowlegedge and stability in the world will cause less religion and more modern ways to understand the world, but i don't think that bashing it and it's followers is the right thing to do.

Think of it, these people have grown up with their religion, at least in most cases, and it means a lot to them.

So attacking it in a too offensive way will put many people in a defensive position, less open to your arguments, and we get the vicious circle of polarization.
Secularizing and modernizing of societies is a slow prosess, and lack of respect of each other isn't speeding it up.

(if you actually have read this far; sorry if my english is bad... it's not my mother tongue, and thanks for reading it:)

Yngve

Dear Yngve,
Religious people live their lives in a defensive position, shuttering their windows to the world, lest some stray fact waft in and completely obliterate the house of cards upon which their morality and sense of reality is based. Fuck them, their lives of abject denial, and their fucking feelings. We’re not interested in changing their minds; it’s their children we’re after. And their women, if they’re not too dumpy. How sad is it that we chalked up your spelling errors to you being American?

GOD IS A BITCH

Yo homies - I adore your witty writing but I'm afraid I need to call bullshit on your "Religion and Feminism don't mix" article. It's not that the above statement doesn't ring true for most monotheistic religions that have determined our current bloody historical path - the problem is (though by no means your fault assuming you, like the rest of us slaves, were raised in an industrial technophile society that elevates Western civilization as the zenith of mankind) the debate, is not a binary one.

You guys, of all people should know, that not everyone falls into the predefined secular-liberal-atheist (you) vs religious-Taliban-conservative, categories; that in fact, most indigenous people (the ones left unmolested by industrial societies) practice Earth-based spiritualities that honor the land as our MOTHER. The fact that most of these spiritualities predate literary cultures (i.e. they're oral cultures) only proves the point when you quote the Koran or the Bible.

(It is true though, that most indigenous peoples wouldn't be down w/ the proselytizing and dogmatic aspects of hierarchical monotheistic religions...in fact, the path we walk wouldn't even be referred to as "religion.")

But come on guys - Most Feminist 101 classes (at least on the West Coast) have cursory readings on pre-Christian, matriarchical societies like the Crete.

Read Vine Deloria's "god is red" and Starhawk's "Dreaming the Dark." and then we'll talk.

Your Mom...in Babylon

Dear Mom,
How about we just don’t talk?

WORST DISSENT EVER

“Either you are a feminist and you reject religion, or you are a worshiper and you reject the concept that the genders are equal."

Er, no.

Rigid and literal interpretation of founding text is not the only source for religious ideas.

I could get all into it, but there's no point. If you're not willing to do even a modicum of basic research before writing an article, I don't think there's much hope that I'm going to change your mind.

Reed Miller

Dear Reed,
Wow, what a devastating line of reasoning, you pinhead. If you’re not willing to do a modicum of basic argument when refuting an opinion, we don’t think there’s much hope that you have the slightest fucking clue of what you’re talking about. Not to get “all into it” or anything.

UNCLEAR ON WHAT “MAINSTREAM” MEANS

You and the rest of the mainstream media's agenda is to totally cover up for the Clintons [Allan Uthman, “Political Shrinkage,” issue 121] and to keep up an active Bush bashing campaign at a fever pitch "James Carville" style in order the elect this post menopausal matriarchal closet communist hag Hillary Clinton and her husband the impeached disbarred sociopathic narcissist sexual predator lip biting rapist traitor to the Co-Presidency II in 2008 and nothing else! Thesetwo are nothing but closet communists.

Hillary Clinton, while under the tutelage of Professor Tommy the Commie Emerson at Yale, was a member of the SDS and the Black Panthers legal team for Bobby Seale's brutal murder trial. After graduating from Yale she attempted to get a JAG Commission as a USMC Officer but was rejected as unfit for being a "fellow traveler", not for being 26 years old as she claims in her book. So, she joined Robert Truehaft, the Chief Counsel for the Communist Party USA as his personal law clerk and lived with the Truehafts who were both card carrying Communists. Unfit to serve and unfit to be Commander-in Chief.

The only reason William Jefferson Clinton ever got to the Whitehouse in the first place was because of the little egomanic with a crewcut, Ross Perot. He said in 1992, of Clinton: "I wouldn't hire him as the assistant dishwasher on the third shift in a greasy spoon joint." But he managed to take close to 23% of the Bush "No New Taxes" protest vote so this redneck clown from Arkansas could have his daily hand-party spanking his monkey (documented under oath) in the oval office.

Have a nice day anyway!

Vlad Tepes

Dear Vlad,
Yeah, it’s amazing America survived eight years with a commie in the White House. Man, how’d we get out of that without him nationalizing the oil industry or something? Way to call us out on covering up for the Clintons; we’re totally nuts about those freaky commies. Have you given suicide much thought?

JUNKIES: GOOD HUSBANDS?

Just an update on this scumbag. Who writes very well. Again, he stole my car, and this time, my kid's dog. Sold MY car for 700 bucks of crack and traded the dog for a rock. Yeah, he's a shitheel extrodinaire. I'd love to do a piece on this for you, but no one would believe it. Found my dog at a crack house on Amherst street. Had two Kenmore cops go with me. My dog was starved, filthy and stinking. I hope you tell this piece of shit to rot, if he darkens your door. He was very proud of his "DJ from the big house"....If you should see this rotten crackhead, tell him this: "Mrs. Crackhead says not to darken our door. Hitting women and chldren may be your thing, but now it won't happen again" Oh, don't give him any money. You won't ever get paid despite his tales of woe. What a scumbag.

Take care,
Pamela Harmon

Dear Pamela,
Sounds a little fishy to us: Who trades crack for a dog? People are giving dogs away all over the place, man! Crack is, like, at least 5 bucks! Speaking of which, we were never in danger of giving Dan money. Thing is, crack addicts tend to let people down. Just something to keep in mind the next time you take him back.

THIS ISSUE’S PARANOID KOOK

MIKHAIL KRYZHANOVSKY - U.S. PRESIDENT DE FACTO AND 2008 VICE PRESIDENT ?

Mikhail Kryzhanovsky,KGB superspy, the author of the "White House Special Handbook,or How to Rule the World in the 21st Century" is the U.S. president de facto. Since 1996, our presidents, Bill Clinton and now - George Bush, make top political decisions based on his instructions.

Who said he's 2008 U.S. Vice President ? Hillary Clinton ?
Steve Johnson

Dear Steve,
No, you did. Try the blue pills this time.

SWEEP THE LEG JOHNNY

Just what's up with you bleeding heart liberals coddling terrorists/enemy combatants? Some of these radical Muslims have killed American soldiers and innocent civilians. I could care less if the Red Cross went to see them. I hope they rot and die in Gitmo.

When your weak, wimpy liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton were president, they didn't stop terrorism by coddling them.

There is NO high ground when you deal with terrorists who think you're an infidel and their god-Allah wants to have you killed.

We can't fight a war against these terrorists with one arm tied behind our backs and one leg attached to a ball and chain. You're looking for a disasterous result if you do.

The only thing these barbarians understand is strenght, force and death, so let's give it to them. No, we shouldn't be like them. We should be WORSE than them and have them fear us. That's how it works in the real world you sissy liberals.

James Ziolkowski
Buffalo, NY

ten year navy vet 1982-1992

PS I just seen the movie "Rendition" and I think the guy was a link to terrorists and that bleeding heart liberal CIA agent let him go free. This kind of work needs strong willed people and not liberal cowards. Our enemies must laugh their asses off at us.

Dear James,
Yes. We should be worse than them. That way, when they do kill us, at least it’ll be justified. But please, stop calling your fellow Navy man Jimmy Carter weak and wimpy! Our poor hearts just can’t take those big mean words. Stupidity is so intimidating! Okay fine, you can have your race war, just please leave us poor liberals alone! Please, sir? We’ll even let you kill some Mexicans too. You know you want it, James.

LOOSE BRAINS

Assuming you've seen the movie Zeitgeist, what are your thoughts on it? I have a pretty knowledgeable background in Egyptian religion and I've found numerous false claims throughout the movie. I know for a fact the whole Horus/christ comparision is completely false. The epic of gilgamish is another fabrication. I remember reading an article months back in your paper that had a much more accurate comparision. Just wondering what your thoughts are.
Mike

Dear Mike,
Our thoughts on viewing Zeitgeist, in order of succession:

1. What is this, some psychedelic acid movie from the ‘80s?
2. What is this,
The God Who Wasn’t There?
3. Wow, that “God’s Sun/God’s Son” parallel is idiotic.
4. Oh crap, here we go with the 9/11 shit. Skipping to the next part.
5. There’s no law that says people have to pay their income tax? That’ll be surprising news to all the people who’ve been convicted of income tax evasion.
6. This movie is fucking retarded.
7 . We’re turning this shit off.
8 . We’re joining the Republican Party.

Hope that helps.

ASKED AND ANSWERED

When is your 2008 50 Most Loathsome People list coming out? I can't wait to read it.
Amanda Factor

Dear Amanda,
Now!

OVEN MITT

When are you guys coming out with your new list? I am praying that mitt romney receives a just punishment.
Ryan

Dear Ryan,
Better hope your God is the right one! Otherwise he’ll burn you and make you a Negro!

IDEA MAN

In light of the Colorado church shootings this week, and the Omaha shopping mall shooting last week, why not post something about how many days can the USA go without a shooting spree?

Or, perhaps a shooting spree quiz - like which of the following shooters was NOT male, or where have shootings NOT taken place? (workplaces, schools, shopping malls, churches, public parks).

Well....you get the idea.
Ahem

Dear Ahem,
Yes, we do. No, we won’t.

REVIEW OF SOMETHING

Frequently funny, but with an obvious visceral hatred of anyone on the political right. Would have been funnier if its political leftiness were less obvious. In other words, at least making an attempt to pretend to be politically somewhere to the right of Karl Marx would have made the humor more effective.

Nice try, though.
Ray Mastrovito

Dear Ray,
Marx? That closet capitalist pig? For shame, comrade! But... pretend, you say? Hmm, this strategy of propaganda penetration by faking centrist ideology is so disingenuous it just might work! We could pretend to be fair and...fair and... blanced! Yes, that is the way to total control of the means of production! You have helped us immensely, Comrade Mastrovito. Or should we say... our friend across the aisle?

OF LAWSUITS AND LOOFAHS

I was just messing around online and came across that whole mess between Tom Cruise and The Beast (very funny...not the initial article you published, but the fact that Tom Cruise's lawyer even cared). However, it got me thinking about how you guys gained some publicity by picking on a celeb. If you want some publicity, you guys should publish something about Bill O'rielly that is negative and/or controversial because he is the kind of person who will almost certainly call you out on it during one of his daily broadcasts (which is #1 in cable news, 7 years in a row!!). No one is easier to piss off and less afraid to confront people than him. If you take your time and come up with a good article that will grab peoples attention, I like your chances. Just look at what he did for the dailykos, they pissed him off and now theyre rich (bitch). Anyways, just a thought.
Jon

Dear Jon,
Uh, yeah. We’ve been around since 2002, and you think we haven’t done anything about O’Reilly? Like, O’Reilly just slipped our minds? You know, we do this political satire magazine, and we just somehow have never heard of Bill O’Reilly, or been pissed off by something he said. Do you think we’re cretins, Jon? Is that what you think? We’re cretins, huh? Jesus, you goddamn son of a bitch, we won’t forget this. We’ll be seeing you Jon, you goddamn motherfucker who think everyone at The BEAST is a knuckle-dragging, lobotomized ape-man. You’d better carry a weapon—like a Sikh! Okay, just kidding. Bill’s a fine target, but has had some negative experiences with litigation. Cruise on the other hand, is a fairy from another planet. Is that libel? We’ll never know unless you sue us, Tom
.



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