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The BEAST PAGE 5 WAR TRIGGERING PRANK

Name: “I am coming to you... You will explode in a couple of minutes.”

Turn-ons: Misguided torpedo fire, the Gulf of Tonkin, worldwide panic, the Jerky Boys

Turn-offs: Foreign press, speed boats, maritime quietude

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 5 WAR TRIGGERING PRANK: Well, when you’re bored and living in Iran, and your radio picks up an American battleship off the coast, and they sound upset about a boat coming too close, well, what else can a guy do but try to scare the infidel out of them and get the bombings over with already? Come on, listen to me; I’m hilarious! And extremely dangerous! My creator, radio heckler “the Filipino Monkey,” has been harassing ships in the Strait of Hormuz for 25 years, but I’m his greatest hit yet!

Future plans: I’m planning on being invoked by every 9/11 conspiracy theorist on the web to bolster their “false flag” arguments, but I think my time in the mainstream has run out. Oh well, I had a good run.

How I'd like to be remembered: As a seriously great prank, and an inspiring reminder that one dedicated, obnoxious jerk really can change the course of history. Almost.