Beast Banner February 2008
ISSUE #123
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Features

ArrowPRIMARY FEVER
A sickening report from New Hampshire
Ian Murphy & Paul Jones

ArrowDumb as Dixie
The manly myth of SC politics
Allan Uthman

ArrowMonkeywrenching the System
Ron Paul's revolution, the anti-war solution
Stan Goff

ArrowI'm Very Tired
Deprived and depraved
Rich Herschlag

Faux-tures

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Black History
29 days of off-color justice

ArrowSurge on over to Anbar Province!
A message from the Al Anbar Board of Tourism

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
War-triggering prank

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

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Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

I know this sounds hard to believe, Aquarius, but through an amazingly improbable series of random events, your remote control is at the bottom of the Sargasso Sea. Chaos theory and all that. So you can stop looking for it, anyway.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

Here’s the thing about the gold standard, Pisces: Isn’t that just another thing that’s only valuable because people think it is? I mean, wouldn’t the iron standard make more sense? Because someday people might realize that gold is just shiny and rare, but otherwise not good for much, and then it would be just as worthless as paper. And don’t get me started on diamonds.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Yeah, I can see how cleaning that litter box is something you wouldn’t want to do, Aries. It’s much easier just to live in a house that smells like piss and shit. Your friends find you disgusting, Aries.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Contrary to Ditech’s advertising campaign, Taurus, people are actually not very smart. Otherwise, there’d be no such thing as Ditech.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

I may not be able to participate in the writer’s strike, Gemini, but I’m holding back in solidarity. That’s why this isn’t very funny.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Putting coal in your children’s stockings does not count as carbon sequestration, Cancer, and neither Santa Claus nor the IRS are going to look kindly upon it.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

Leo, if your best friend jumped off a bridge, would you too? Because he just did.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Virgo, I understand we all have to do what we have to do to survive, but stealing money from homeless people is in no way “sticking it to the man.”

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

I don’t think your glasses make you look ugly, Libra. I think it’s your ugly face.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You know, Tucker Carlson loves Ron Paul too, Scorpio. And if that guy’s right, I’ll have to kill myself. Maybe you too.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

If you don’t like to give head Sagittarius, hey, that’s your right. Enjoy your future of uninterrupted solitude.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

There are 9 million players on World of Warcraft, Capricorn. And virtually all of them could be doing something better with their time. But you Capricorn, you should probably just keep playing.



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