Beast Banner February 2008
ISSUE #123
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Features

ArrowPRIMARY FEVER
A sickening report from New Hampshire
Ian Murphy & Paul Jones

ArrowDumb as Dixie
The manly myth of SC politics
Allan Uthman

ArrowMonkeywrenching the System
Ron Paul's revolution, the anti-war solution
Stan Goff

ArrowI'm Very Tired
Deprived and depraved
Rich Herschlag

Faux-tures

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Black History
29 days of off-color justice

ArrowSurge on over to Anbar Province!
A message from the Al Anbar Board of Tourism

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
War-triggering prank

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

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HUMAN RACEY

I have to say, I loved the article [“The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2007,” issue 122]. The author was articulate; concise yet powerful; and to the point. I loved it. I loved that the author wasn't afraid to write about racey things regarding racey characters. It was perfect and I wouldn't change a thing. Keep up the work because I like reading this kind of thinking. #9 was quaint and perfectly worded, and I'm still laughing from it =D

Dr. S

Dear Dr.,
Actually, that’s probably just the Mad Cow disease you contracted at White Castle six years ago.

NOT UP TO DATE

I am so sick of the shit that the american people put up with that it would not suprise me if martial law is declared and we are jailed for having a different opinion. Fuck this country I'm moving to Germany at least I know what I am getting

Daniel R

Dear Daniel,

Yeah, in Germany, you know what you’re getting—social democracy, gay rights, strong labor regulations, great night life. Hey, we’ll come with you!

CARRIED AWAY

Thank god you've shown me there is some sanity in your country...

David J Reilly

Dear David,
Don’t read too much into it.

HOMETOWN HATER

I grew up in the Buffalo area, graduated from Starpoint in 1998, left for Boston and largely haven't looked back since.

Thank you for giving me a reason to look back. I wish more of your brand of hateful snark (and I mean that in the best possible way) had been more widespread when I was there.

Also, if you're ever up in Boston (or I'm in Buffalo), we should totally party. That's what the kids do these days, right? "Party"?

Julia Lunetta

Dear Julia,
Actually, they mostly play video games.

[sic]ASSO

Cheers to Ian for his perfect caricatures of such horrible figures. Not only do they capture the appearance of these foul people, but in a "caught-in-the-act" framing that at once showcases their personality, politics, and the crime, attitude, or scandal that they represent. It's a caricature of their presence, not just their looks, and I only wish I had more to look at. I will, from this moment on, see your pictures of O'reilly, Clinton and Cheney, superimposed over my mind's eye when I see them on TV and such. I am now a member of the select group of Beast Readers. Thanks for brightening my day with your hearty dose of bitterness. As an American expatriate living in New Zealand, I can laugh comfortably about these idiots, at the same time admiring the precise, cutting prose used to flay these villians to the core. How accurate!

-J

Dear J,
Yes, Murphy’s caricatures are masterful. So masterful, in fact, that we had to destroy his portrait of Dog the Bounty Hunter after its superlative hideousness drove three interns completely mad. They still work for us; they’re just totally insane now. Sorry again, guys.

[sic] OF OMISSION

So...I was a little dissapointed in this years top "50 most loathsome people list."

Where's Micheal Bay? Ron Paul? Jerry Falwell? That stupid Miss teen South Carolina? The Chocolate Rain guy?

Carson Daly? I fucking forgot about him until you guys brought him up again. Does anybody even watch his show?

As for the Vtech shooter, I just want to say that an article where one of you guys wrote that his problem was not that he expressed himself violently, but didn't express himself enough was one of the smartest things I've ever read. Great job with that!

Josh

Dear Josh,
Yeah, gee, how could we leave out the guy who sang “Chocolate Rain?” Damn! Can’t believe we forgot that completely insignificant person! And the stupid beauty pageant winner? Who could ever imagine that a beauty queen would be stupid? We’ll need you on staff next time, chief.

DODD-LIKE

I think 'you' should have been #3. We're so unbelievably stupid that sometimes we must just shake our heads. We're like the punchline of a joke. We can name the last winners of American Idol, America's next top pinhead, and [insert bad formulaic realty show here] meanwhile, the 'homeland' is being raped and pillaged. And how on earth are we okay calling it the homeland? It's incredible, but when Chris Dodd actually got his ass off the campaign trail and went to Washington to derail amnesty because he promised to, I got teary eyed. Because someone promised to essentially do his fucking job. Crikey, we're fucked.

matt

Dear Matt,

Actually, “America’s Next Top Pinhead” sounds like a pretty good show. Circus freaks just don’t get the kind of air-time they used to. You ever notice how Chris Dodd says “here” all the time, like it’s a comma? Like, if Dodd hosted “America’s Next Top Pinhead,” it’d sound like this: “This next pinhead here, hails from the great state of Oklahoma here. His name here is Gabby here, and let’s give him a big hydrocephalic round of applause here.” Man, that really sounds like a killer show.

VAGUE-ONOMICS

How doesn't lowering taxes raise revenue? I think i'm missing something.

Michael K

Dear Michael,
Yes, a basic math education.

CANAMERIMEXICO

Have you heard or bothered to research what you have heard about the North American Union? Do you actually think amnesty will do anything but turn us into a third world country? Altho, I agree with most of your most hated, don't you think you should spend some time asking why noone in government or running for President is concerned about drugs and terrorists coming across our borders along with too many illegals for us to assimilate? Or are you one of the elites who want to sit in your lavish home on the hill and look down on poverty such as the corrupt leaders of Mexico and India do? Wow I dint evn hav to usse spelchek for this.

Margaret Bruce

Dear Margaret,
Well, we have to admit our lavish hilltop homes are pretty nice. But it’s surprising how long all those terrorists streaming across the border are taking to do anything. You’d think they don’t even exist! If you didn’t know better, that is.

THIS JUST IN

Frankenstein was the name of the scientist, not his creation. The conflicted chap himself was generally just referred to as 'the monster'.

Tim Osman

Dear Tim,
You know what? Everyone knows this, and nobody cares.

BLOOD SIMPLE

How is defunding the war even a remotely good idea? I am hoping you can explain the logic in that.

Ian Bowman

Dear Ian,
Ummm... War bad?

AT LEAST SHE KNOWS

Hi-larious! Loved it, loved it, loved it! Even understood most of it; good thing the dictionary is my favorite book.

I know you're smarter than me, but I'm pretty sure Cheney is the Vice-President. Fucking slacker proofreader...

Susan Sherwood

Dear Susan,
Alas, even your beloved lexicon could not save you from your inability to process obvious jokes.

LOL I H8 ME

I really hate myself for laughing out loud at your list.

Even though I'm a political conservative, I agree with most of your observations on both the Dems and Republicans in the list.

I used to vote a straight Republican ticket, but that could change this year. At least when I get reamed next year, I'd like it to be by someone who didn't promise me they wouldn't. Of course, the Dems tell different lies, so what the hell am I supposed to do. Maybe I could move to a straight-ahead dictatorship, where at least you can know the rules.

Rip Ragged

Dear Rip,
Why move? Just keep voting Republican.

POSITIVE POWER!

Although I agree with several of your choices on the loathsome list, I must say that the writers of this offensively negative piece deserve a place on it. And fuck off for for including your readers on the list. You don't know me, assholes.

DC

Dear DC,
Actually, we used to sit behind you in homeroom, and you were a total dick. Don’t deny it.

SO SOLLY

As an Asian American I find your reference to penis size in the part about Cho Seung Hui to be patronizing and consider it a racial epithet. Please remove it/issue an apology. I will also be contacting various Asian Associations and media outlets about this.

Jack Xin

Dear Jack,
Have a blast, needle-dick.

YES WOMAN

just found you guys via a link on Daily Kos. Irreverent, absurd nerds make me wet. And I'm hot.

Thank you. I'm looking forward to reading all your stuff. You guys are as good or better than the "Yes Men."

Teri

Dear Teri,
We need a picture to verify your wet hotness, so we can stop downloading porn for a few days. Please take a good, well-lit photo and deliver it to us post-haste, preferably on rollerskates, in an edible bikini.

BLUHHH

you are either an extreme liberal fag or a total idiot.either way i would say you are number one on alot of peoples list just for being the idiot you are.fuck you .dumbass.

fred

Dear Fred,
It’s brave of you to correspond in what we assume is your second language. Good luck on Super Tuesday, Senator Thompson.

GOD, GUNS & GUYLINER

Dear Sirs,

Regarding #28 on your list.

You all are not worth the spit it would take to polish their boots.

You ungrateful fucks...has it ever occurred to your feeble brains that the very troops you denigrate are the very ones that allow your sorry asses to post such shit? Of course not, because you love freedom of speech, but not the ones who guarantee such freedom for you.

If your aim was humor, sorry, I have seen better monologues from Rosie O'Donnell, and that isn't saying much.

You are disgusting, vile, reprehensible, and beyond contempt.

In closing, a hearty *FUCK YOU*

Gothguy

Dear Gothguy,
What kind of goth jacks off the military like this? You think the soldiers are in Iraq so you can wear eyeliner and still pretend you’re not gay?

SPACE RESERVED

Hey Paul and Allan,

This is about your #22 and # 28 attempts at having gray matter in your skull.

I am the God fearing, gun toting, Flag Waving conservative, military supporter that your liberal friends warn you about. I am backed up by 1,426,700 active duty Military personnel, and another 1,458,500 people in the Reserves. We laugh at people like you as we think of what fun it would be to use your sorry asses for target practice.

There is a special place in hell with your names on it Paul and Allan, and anyone else connected to your pathetic website.

CS

Dear CS,
Wow, a special place, just for us? With our names on it? That sounds awesome! We may be nobodies now, but at least we’ll be VIPs in the afterlife! Hey, thanks a bunch, CS! Oh, and thanks for the death threat too!

HARSHING OUR MELLOW

the troops, really? thats a classy thing to say. after hitting all the republicans you could i figured this was an uninformed leftist rant, so what was I to expect? it only serves to prove that anyone on the left is actually anti soldier, not anti war. thanks for clearing it up, and if youre in america...leave. just go. no one is keeping you here, and no one will miss you.

T

Dear T,
Gee, really? No one? Not even our mothers? That’s kind of a bummer. Oh well, guess we’ll tell our half of the country to pack their bags. Say bye to your mom for us.

SUPPORT OUR TOOLS

I thought this was quite funny and entertaining except for one. Number 28 "The Troops" While bashing the troops is well within your rights, it seems to me to be in very bad taste. These are the very "rubes" that protect your right to make fun of people. Most of the troops that are off fighting in whatever god-forsaken land they are in are not there because they want to be fighting and dieing. They are there because they felt it was their responsibility to serve their country. Do you criticize the tools used by a carpenter because you didn't like the design of a house? Beause the soldiers fighting a war are the tools used by the goverment to achieve their goals

Ethan

Dear Ethan,
That’s an interesting metaphor there, the soldiers being tools. How do you think that makes them feel, Ethan? Don’t you think you ought to have more respect for the delicate emotional state of our brave, flaky heroes overseas than to refer to them as tools? What kind of American are you, Ethan? These are the very “tools” that protect your right to unwittingly belittle them via e-mail. Somehow, they do this by occupying powerless nations on the other side of the planet. USA! USA!

ARMY OF DUH

my uninformed opinion concerns your entry #28 .. concerning "the troops".. it was and is seriously "out of line" and "out of bounds" ..imo .. especially since recent polls by army times and others of military families and personnel show 60% plus of the military don't approve of the iraq involvement .. nor do they support current administration policies... and .. imo .. it was in extremly basd taste for you to recommend "walter reed" as their sentence .. implying they all should be shot or wounded in some way .. then neglected ..

i'm not a right winger either .. but i am a USMC medically retired officer and i say "shame on you" .. for exhibiting such poor taste

J. Williams

Maj. USMC (Ret.)

Dear J.,
Think a little harder, man. Don’t you think “Walter Reed,” and comments like “too cheap to buy their own body armor” sound a little like we’re actually mocking conservatives who claim to “support the troops” but haven’t actually done shit for them? You know, satire and all that? Nah, just kidding. Really, we just hate poor, naive 19-year-old kids.

X-RATED SPECS

Dear Whoever The Fuck You People Are,

Why are bright and funny women who wear glasses so incredibly hot[Allison Kilkenny, "Stop Being an Asshole," issue 122]? Kilkenny in those retro Buddy Holly specs is pure hardwood my friend! Tina Fey (I know, but still..), that simmering near sighted blonde in White Trash Facials 3, the hot new chick in the Catholic school uniform on Nip/Tuck (hey, she wears John Lennon specs in my sweaty fantasies).

Is it like a BuzzFlash trend, or just me?

Troubled in Tampa

Dear Troubled,
Yes, well-read chicks in glasses are hot stuff. But why are spectacles Hollywood shorthand for ugly? You know: “We need an ugly girl for this movie! Put some glasses on that supermodel!”

CHEMICAL BANK

The War on Cancer prompted a decision tree in the 1970s and 80s - throw money into cheap cancer prevention, or into lucrative chemotherapy? [“The War On the War On, issue 122] Insurance covers no prevention measures for cancer (including smoking cessation), while fully 1/9 of the annual health care budget of the US is for cancer related surgery and treatment. Over $100 billion annually is spent on chemo alone, with more expensive drugs on the way.

Health Affairs (#25, 2006 pp437-443) noted "Before the Medicare Prescription Drug, Improvement, and Modernization Act (MMA) of 2003, Medicare reimbursed physicians for chemotherapy drugs at rates that greatly exceeded physicians’ costs for those drugs. Providers who were more generously reimbursed, prescribed more-costly chemotherapy regimens to metastatic breast, colorectal, and lung cancer patients."

No different from the armaments industry, except they make money from incinerating entire villages, while pharmaceutical companies and docs make money from vaporizing people's bone marrow and GI tracts.

Alex Kendziorski

Dear Alex,
Heh, you said “colorectal.”

BRAVE SIR ROBIN

Hey,

I'm only writing this in the hope of getting it printed in your publication - and thus guaranteeing a small slice of fame by being ripped on - so I'm using my English status as a selling point to try and get in. If you do have someone else in England who buys The Beast, let me know and I'll hunt them down. I feel special (in the good way for a change) that I'm the only one in this comparatively small country, so I can't have anyone spoiling it.

Robin Armstrong,
Northampton, England.

Dear Robin,
You are an empire unto yourself, sir. A failed, regrettable empire.



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