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ISSUE #124
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Features

ArrowImmune to Reality
Why is the GOP so worried about telecom immunity?
Allan Uthman

ArrowHardballin' with Chris Matthews
An infuriating encounter
Ian Murphy

ArrowHormone Whore Moans
Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell
Paul Jones

ArrowChildren's Campaign
Young voters are heartbreakers
Tina Dupuy

ArrowThe First 100 Days
Our graphic projections for the three possible next presidents

ArrowRecession Recipes that won't Break the Bank
The bank can't foreclose on these subprime delights!

ArrowDeath, Taxes & Celebrity
Leeching on Lohan & Ledger
Steve Gordon

ArrowHillary or Cobra Commander?
A serious comparison
Erich Shulte

Women's History Month content!

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
You've come a long way, cuntbag

ArrowStrengthen your Relationship in 10 Psychotic Steps
Obsess your way to romantic success!

ArrowThe BEAST Guide to Bulimia
Famine is in!

ArrowSpecial Women's Advertising Section
Products for the modern woman

ArrowA Brief Message from the Girls of Africa
A modest request

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Democracy Usurpers

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

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21

Oooh! A bunch of math nerds from MIT decide to go to Las Vegas, use their powers of nerd-dom for evil and clean house under the tutelage of a shady professor. And wait—it gets better!!! It’s based on a true story. Those always rule! Always!

So a whiz kid/math whiz/wizz whiz definitely has the brains to attend one of the most prestigious schools in the country, but of course he’s poor as shit. He falls in with a group of other promising students (and of course with them being math students, a few of them have to be Asian) led by Kevin Spacey (is this guy even fucking trying anymore? Does this guy think just because he’s got two Oscars under his belt that he can just fuck his career in the ass and wipe his dick on the curtains? The last great thing Spacey did was American Beauty and once he got that golden statue in his hand it was like see ya, suckas! And as for his turn as Lex Luthor in that last Superman movie—forget about it! All he does is movies with Kate Bosworth and she’s either a grade-A fruit fly or he’s in the process of nailing or trying to nail her) who take to counting cards in Las Vegas.

Obviously things head south once Laurence Fishburne gets wise to the whole thing. And the whole “I’m doing this just until I get enough money for school”thing doesn’t pan out too well as these punks get a little greedy. Spacey shows his true colors and the whiz kid gets to nail Kate Bosworth (see above diatribe).

The whole thing looks like some crappy teen dramedy that’s seen Ocean’s Eleven too many times. I’ll go see 21 on the following conditions:

  1. Kate Bosworth eats something, namely a three-course meal, on camera. And I want to see a notarized document stating that she didn’t throw it up and I want to see the poop on camera as well. Specifically on the lens. But I think that last part was covered in the trailer. Never mind that last one.

  2. Kevin Spacey promises not to sing ever again and says that he’s fully aware that life (LIFE life—not the fame or breakfast cereal) and American Idol are not the same thing.

  3. The producers apologize, also on camera, for using a Spoon song to try and get people to see this movie.

  4. I don’t have to pay any money to see this. And if I don’t like 21, the producers have to promise to get me the hour and a half, two hours or however long the running time of 21 is back to me.

  5. The producers of 21 buy me a pair of nickel-plated .45s (which are mine to keep regardless) that I can shoot them with if I like nothing whatsoever about 21.

  6. I am allowed to record a venomous and hateful commentary track to be included on the DVD release of 21. My commentary is not required in any way to be about the movie 21.

  7. I get to be a guest programmer on Turner Classic Movies and talk about how and why any movie played on said channel is better than 21.

  8. That I get more wishes, more to the point an infinite amount that the producers of 21 (and subsequently any of their beneficiaries in the event of their deaths) must honor at any time I say.

If the producers of 21 agree to my terms they will meet me at the location formerly known as Earl’s in Chaffee, NY on the afternoon of March 15th at 3PM. They will come alone (with the exception of one of their attorneys) and unarmed, with all tangible demands and a contract agreeing to the rest of my demands. I will show up with my attorney, Paul Fallon, esq., a notary public and a heavily armed private army I will hire for the day. By reading this, the producers of 21 agree to pay for said army’s services in the event they do not show on the afternoon of March 15th.

Next: Run, Fatboy, Run

More Kino reviews:

10,000 B.C.
The Bank Job

Doomsday

Drillbit Taylor

Stop-Loss



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