Beast Banner March 2008
ISSUE #124
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Features

ArrowImmune to Reality
Why is the GOP so worried about telecom immunity?
Allan Uthman

ArrowHardballin' with Chris Matthews
An infuriating encounter
Ian Murphy

ArrowHormone Whore Moans
Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell
Paul Jones

ArrowChildren's Campaign
Young voters are heartbreakers
Tina Dupuy

ArrowThe First 100 Days
Our graphic projections for the three possible next presidents

ArrowRecession Recipes that won't Break the Bank
The bank can't foreclose on these subprime delights!

ArrowDeath, Taxes & Celebrity
Leeching on Lohan & Ledger
Steve Gordon

ArrowHillary or Cobra Commander?
A serious comparison
Erich Shulte

Women's History Month content!

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
You've come a long way, cuntbag

ArrowStrengthen your Relationship in 10 Psychotic Steps
Obsess your way to romantic success!

ArrowThe BEAST Guide to Bulimia
Famine is in!

ArrowSpecial Women's Advertising Section
Products for the modern woman

ArrowA Brief Message from the Girls of Africa
A modest request

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Democracy Usurpers

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

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Run, Fatboy, Run

Stop, Simon Pegg, stop! The only thing worse than a romantic comedy is a British romantic comedy. Simon Pegg takes time off from the spoof movies he’s famous for such as Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz to play some douchetard who left the allegedly hot and pregnant (the pregnant part is more factual than the hot part) Thandie Newton at the altar some years ago. She’s marrying Hank Azaria now and Pegg suddenly wants Newton back. Oh, and since Pegg’s a shitty human being, Azaria is of course on the precipice of sainthood, making it all the harder for Pegg to make amends, wipe the slate clean and get Newton back.

I don’t know what to say. I really don’t know what to say. Maybe this is a testament to my disability, maybe I’m getting lazy, maybe I’ve finally had it. I don’t know. But I just don’t know how many ways I can say something sucks and it looks like shit. I could make fun of Simon Pegg, and despite the fact that I laughed a few times during Shaun of the Dead, he’s creepy as all red-headed men are and he looks like a child molester. I could say that Thandie Newton looks like the female man from The Crying Game, except not as Prince-like. I could say that I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a dick. You want me to say that? Would you like that? I could mention that I’m surprised that Hank Azaria is still alive, let alone working. In movies. I could say that. Because, you know, I am. I’m very surprised.

Next: Stop-Loss

More Kino reviews:

10,000 B.C.
The Bank Job
Doomsday

Drillbit Taylor

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