Beast Banner March 2008
ISSUE #124
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ArrowImmune to Reality
Why is the GOP so worried about telecom immunity?
Allan Uthman

ArrowHardballin' with Chris Matthews
An infuriating encounter
Ian Murphy

ArrowHormone Whore Moans
Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell
Paul Jones

ArrowChildren's Campaign
Young voters are heartbreakers
Tina Dupuy

ArrowThe First 100 Days
Our graphic projections for the three possible next presidents

ArrowRecession Recipes that won't Break the Bank
The bank can't foreclose on these subprime delights!

ArrowDeath, Taxes & Celebrity
Leeching on Lohan & Ledger
Steve Gordon

ArrowHillary or Cobra Commander?
A serious comparison
Erich Shulte

Women's History Month content!

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
You've come a long way, cuntbag

ArrowStrengthen your Relationship in 10 Psychotic Steps
Obsess your way to romantic success!

ArrowThe BEAST Guide to Bulimia
Famine is in!

ArrowSpecial Women's Advertising Section
Products for the modern woman

ArrowA Brief Message from the Girls of Africa
A modest request


ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Democracy Usurpers

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters




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A Brief Message From the Girls of Africa

Greetings, American sisters, from the African continent! It is our distinguished honor to introduce this special “Women’s History Month” edition of The BEAST. We extend our hands to you in solidarity, as the united sisterhood of the world, in recognition of all that you have accomplished. You are a beacon of hope to women everywhere!

In fact, we have a very specific hope—a yearning, really, with which only you as women could empathize, and that it is our sincerest wish you would satisfy: please send us your clitorises. It is our understanding—and please, forgive our provincial frankness—that you have very little use for the clitoris in your country. We have heard that most American women are so insolent, physically repugnant and emotionally unstable that very few men find you sexually desirable. Indeed many of them come here to have sex with us, and we often hear stories afterwards about their wives and girlfriends. They say to even consider the act with you it is necessary to indulge in quantities of intoxicants so great as to render them physically incapacitated.

We don’t have any such problems attracting men. Between the incessant warring and various campaigns of genocide, as well as the aforementioned sex tourism, there is no shortage of fornication here! But without a clitoris, it is joyless. We’d like to come just once before we’re tortured or killed. That could be any minute.

So, please, mail us your clitorises today. And have a fruitful “Women’s History Month”.

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