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BEAST Guide to Bulimia
So, you’re disgusted by your body. Well, so is everyone else! Your bloated breasts, hips, bottom and belly, rather than arouse men, sicken and disturb them, meaning, you’re not contributing to society. It’s time to change all that, sister! Just follow this easy guide and you’ll be showing off your femurs this swimsuit season. And unlike those other fad eating disorder diets, like anorexia, with bulimia you get to eat whatever you want and never gain a pound—all in 5 easy steps!
Step 1) Cultivate shame/self-disgust
A lot of girls think they can just start binging and purging, but without the proper mental framework, they’ll never last. The amount of shame and guilt you feel should be directly proportional to your weight. The fatter, the more shame! Bulimia Bonus Tip: Look for cues in fashion magazines, for the appropriate amount of disgust you should feel.
Step 2) Distort your body image
Listen to what no one says regarding your weight. They don’t know! Only you can see the numerous and cellulite encrusted flaws that you obviously posses. Your acute perception will come in handy when you actually lose a few pounds. Without it, you may be inclined to stop punishing your body before becoming dangerously and beautifully thin. No pain no gain!
Step 3) Binge!
We know, fatty, the bulimia method can seem tough at first, but this part should be easy. You’ll take to it like a whale to the chocolate sea, cramming and jamming insane varieties and quantities of unhealthy food down your throat. This is the easy part, and likely, you’ve already had a lot of practice.
Step 4) Purge!
Insert a finger, spoon, pencil or wooden dowel down your throat to trigger the gag reflex and watch those unsightly pounds pour forth in an undigested river—like magic! You’ll need to do this immediately after eating, before the evil food has a chance to nourish your hideous body and turn you back into a fat cow. If you’re going out to dinner, bring some breath mints!
Step 5) Home puking
Mostly, you’re going to want to be alone for steps 3 & 4. This ensures maximum binging and unhindered purging. If you have roommates or live with your parents, keep empty pickle jars and Tupperware on hand at all times—under your bed or in a closet will do. And don’t forget trash day!
Repeat steps 1 – 5 until you wake up in a hospital somewhere, weak, disoriented, thin and gorgeous. It’s that easy!
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