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ISSUE #124
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Features

ArrowImmune to Reality
Why is the GOP so worried about telecom immunity?
Allan Uthman

ArrowHardballin' with Chris Matthews
An infuriating encounter
Ian Murphy

ArrowHormone Whore Moans
Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell
Paul Jones

ArrowChildren's Campaign
Young voters are heartbreakers
Tina Dupuy

ArrowThe First 100 Days
Our graphic projections for the three possible next presidents

ArrowRecession Recipes that won't Break the Bank
The bank can't foreclose on these subprime delights!

ArrowDeath, Taxes & Celebrity
Leeching on Lohan & Ledger
Steve Gordon

ArrowHillary or Cobra Commander?
A serious comparison
Erich Shulte

Women's History Month content!

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
You've come a long way, cuntbag

ArrowStrengthen your Relationship in 10 Psychotic Steps
Obsess your way to romantic success!

ArrowThe BEAST Guide to Bulimia
Famine is in!

ArrowSpecial Women's Advertising Section
Products for the modern woman

ArrowA Brief Message from the Girls of Africa
A modest request

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Democracy Usurpers

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

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BEAST Guide to Bulimia

So, you’re disgusted by your body. Well, so is everyone else! Your bloated breasts, hips, bottom and belly, rather than arouse men, sicken and disturb them, meaning, you’re not contributing to society. It’s time to change all that, sister! Just follow this easy guide and you’ll be showing off your femurs this swimsuit season. And unlike those other fad eating disorder diets, like anorexia, with bulimia you get to eat whatever you want and never gain a pound—all in 5 easy steps!


Step 1) Cultivate shame/self-disgust

A lot of girls think they can just start binging and purging, but without the proper mental framework, they’ll never last. The amount of shame and guilt you feel should be directly proportional to your weight. The fatter, the more shame! Bulimia Bonus Tip: Look for cues in fashion magazines, for the appropriate amount of disgust you should feel.

Step 2) Distort your body image

Listen to what no one says regarding your weight. They don’t know! Only you can see the numerous and cellulite encrusted flaws that you obviously posses. Your acute perception will come in handy when you actually lose a few pounds. Without it, you may be inclined to stop punishing your body before becoming dangerously and beautifully thin. No pain no gain!

Step 3) Binge!

We know, fatty, the bulimia method can seem tough at first, but this part should be easy. You’ll take to it like a whale to the chocolate sea, cramming and jamming insane varieties and quantities of unhealthy food down your throat. This is the easy part, and likely, you’ve already had a lot of practice.

Step 4) Purge!

Insert a finger, spoon, pencil or wooden dowel down your throat to trigger the gag reflex and watch those unsightly pounds pour forth in an undigested river—like magic! You’ll need to do this immediately after eating, before the evil food has a chance to nourish your hideous body and turn you back into a fat cow. If you’re going out to dinner, bring some breath mints!

Step 5) Home puking

Mostly, you’re going to want to be alone for steps 3 & 4. This ensures maximum binging and unhindered purging. If you have roommates or live with your parents, keep empty pickle jars and Tupperware on hand at all times—under your bed or in a closet will do. And don’t forget trash day!

Repeat steps 1 – 5 until you wake up in a hospital somewhere, weak, disoriented, thin and gorgeous. It’s that easy!



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