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The BEAST Page 5 Democracy Usurpers

Name: Super Delegates

Turn-ons: Partisan machine politics, old-school oligarchies, convention schmoozing, quid pro quos, donkey-punches and nullifying the will of the electorate.

Turn-offs: The constitution, representative democracy, landless peasants and anything with Martin Lawrence.

How we got to be The BEAST Page 5 Democracy Usurpers: Funny story actually; in the seventies, the American populace was getting dangerously close to choosing the party nominees through a series of arcane state primaries and caucuses—of course, this wouldn't do at all. Naturally, we needed to wrest that power away from the dregs of society by instituting a special group of current and former elected officeholders, party officials and pledged wealthy elites that can vote as delegates without being beholden to the primary votes cast by citizens—for their own good, ostensibly.

Future plans: Well, on the Republican side we represent 463 out of total 2,380 delegates, and on the Democratic side we're 796 of 3,253. With only 1,191 and 2,025 needed to win those contests, respectively, we plan on rigging that shit good—we mean, um, spreading freedom or something.

How we'd like to be remembered: As the obscenely powerful and overly-botoxed face of the political elite that the poor, benighted American herd needs to make the proper decisions. Actually, can we change our answer, because we kinda want to do this again in 2012? Of course we can change our answer. We can do whatever the fuck we want. Suck it, bitches!