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Recession
Recipes That Won’t Break the Bank!
WHAT YOU’LL NEED TO BEGIN:
Job outsourcing, crushing debt incurred from an illness your
insurance company refused to cover, sub prime mortgage crisis, home foreclosure,
cuts in social spending, highest military spending since WWII, a hobo
blade, paint cans and a trashcan fire.
Raiment Noodles:
A pauper’s delight!
Ingredients: Tattered rags, 1 tablespoon rock salt and 2 cups water.
Preparations: Inspect your disheveled wardrobe and drifter’s bindle
for loose strands of cloth (make sure to check the bottom of your pant
leg—there’s your bumper crop!); remove errant bits with a
hobo blade or by hand; fill an empty can of paint with 2 cups water (gas
station or puddle), bring to a rolling boil over a trash can fire (cooking
under a highway overpass really brings out this soup’s delicate
and dirty undertones); add rock salt and clothing bits, stir, let cool
and serve. You’ll bloody your stool—with flavor!
*Bonus recipe (with Raiment Noodles)
Lint-el Soup: Gag yourself with a spoonful!
Ingredients: Lint, ½ cup water
Preparation: Before cooking your clothes, scour pockets, cuffs and collars
for hardy nuggets of fiber. Cheaply made foreign goods are a treasure
trove of raveled threads; even your navel conceals a bounty of buildup.
Do not rinse debris before cooking: you will wash away the natural essences.
Gather your detritus in a discarded SUV ashtray with a ½ cup of
water, bringing the contents just to a boil over your medium-sized trashcan
fire; reduce heat by raising the ashtray and let simmer until tender,
or your atrophied arm tires. If a denser mixture is desired, thicken with
sweater pills. Sprinkle with other pocket flotsam such as paper clips,
stale gum, crumpled sub prime mortgage and divorce papers, devalued currency
and shredded credit cards. Serve as an appetizer or a delicious side dish
for that non-nutritive fullness. (Note: May cause choking or mechanical
bowel obstruction.) Bon appetit!
Cat-sup: Meals on paws!
Ingredients: Feral or domestic cats
Preparation: PETA isn’t going to put food on the table. Luckily
the streets are teeming with neglected, lean and low-cal options! Simply
bludgeon the animal of your choice with the nearest available blunt object—rocks,
malt liquor bottles and lengths of rebar are optimal. Take care to avoid
the claws and teeth (without healthcare, the smallest injury could prove
fatal). Skin and clean the carcass, and cook to your specifications. Using
your blunt object as a pestle, grind the brain, kidneys and intestines
into a spreadable topping, bloodying it for the preferred consistency.
Or, brown the meat and cook it in the cat stock for a feline fricassee.
Tip: A shaved tail adds a unique savor to stews and sauces. The whole
family will be meowing for more!
B & E Special: Jean Valjean’s life-ruining
meal!
Ingredients: Other people’s food.
Preparations: The Break & Eat is not for everyone. It requires skill,
speed and bravery. Simply smash into a grocery store, corner shop or home
and dash with the nutritious and delicious booty. (Some chefs add money,
jewelry and electronics to this dish—variety’s the spice of
life!)
Alco-salsa: You can’t spell seviche without
v-i-c-e!
Ingredients: Sardines, St. Ides, crab grass, prescription medication
Preparation: When your food lacks color and digestible elements, you can’t
afford to sacrifice flavor or remain lucid. With your hobo blade, dice
sardines and crab grass, and stir together in an overturned hubcap. In
a separate hubcap, mash your choice of prescription pills, heeding or
ignoring Heath Ledger’s example as you wish, and whisk in St. Ides.
Combine all ingredients and serve as a condiment with your favorite meal,
or as an appetizer with communion wafers.
Stimulus Checks Mix: America’s quick-fix
snack mix!
Ingredients: Wholesale allotments of low-grade kibble, suet, livestock
feed, other crude protein
Preparation: As the Good Book says: “[M]an hath no preeminence above
a beast.” Your paltry government assistance will go farther if you
stoop lower. Simply combine ingredients in a large bowl and enjoy on all
fours with your pets. Makes an excellent stuffing for your Cat-sup.
Feces Pieces: Waste not, want not!
Ingredients: Undigested foodstuffs
Preparation: E.T. may have turned up his freeloading, persnickety alien
nose at this suggestion, but you don’t have the luxury of prodigality
or space travel. Simply pick through your stool for anything you may not
have digested. Rinse thoroughly, reheat and enjoy. Everything’s
better the second time around!
Tip: Serve in dust bowl and garnish with grapes of wrath for best allusion.
CHECK OUR JUNE ISSUE FOR DEPRESSION DIPS & SHANTY SPRUCE
UPS!
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