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ISSUE #124
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Features

ArrowImmune to Reality
Why is the GOP so worried about telecom immunity?
Allan Uthman

ArrowHardballin' with Chris Matthews
An infuriating encounter
Ian Murphy

ArrowHormone Whore Moans
Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell
Paul Jones

ArrowChildren's Campaign
Young voters are heartbreakers
Tina Dupuy

ArrowThe First 100 Days
Our graphic projections for the three possible next presidents

ArrowRecession Recipes that won't Break the Bank
The bank can't foreclose on these subprime delights!

ArrowDeath, Taxes & Celebrity
Leeching on Lohan & Ledger
Steve Gordon

ArrowHillary or Cobra Commander?
A serious comparison
Erich Shulte

Women's History Month content!

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
You've come a long way, cuntbag

ArrowStrengthen your Relationship in 10 Psychotic Steps
Obsess your way to romantic success!

ArrowThe BEAST Guide to Bulimia
Famine is in!

ArrowSpecial Women's Advertising Section
Products for the modern woman

ArrowA Brief Message from the Girls of Africa
A modest request

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Democracy Usurpers

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

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Recession Recipes That Won’t Break the Bank!

WHAT YOU’LL NEED TO BEGIN:
Job outsourcing, crushing debt incurred from an illness your insurance company refused to cover, sub prime mortgage crisis, home foreclosure, cuts in social spending, highest military spending since WWII, a hobo blade, paint cans and a trashcan fire.

Raiment Noodles: A pauper’s delight!
Ingredients: Tattered rags, 1 tablespoon rock salt and 2 cups water.
Preparations: Inspect your disheveled wardrobe and drifter’s bindle for loose strands of cloth (make sure to check the bottom of your pant leg—there’s your bumper crop!); remove errant bits with a hobo blade or by hand; fill an empty can of paint with 2 cups water (gas station or puddle), bring to a rolling boil over a trash can fire (cooking under a highway overpass really brings out this soup’s delicate and dirty undertones); add rock salt and clothing bits, stir, let cool and serve. You’ll bloody your stool—with flavor!

*Bonus recipe (with Raiment Noodles)
Lint-el Soup: Gag yourself with a spoonful!
Ingredients: Lint, ½ cup water
Preparation: Before cooking your clothes, scour pockets, cuffs and collars for hardy nuggets of fiber. Cheaply made foreign goods are a treasure trove of raveled threads; even your navel conceals a bounty of buildup. Do not rinse debris before cooking: you will wash away the natural essences. Gather your detritus in a discarded SUV ashtray with a ½ cup of water, bringing the contents just to a boil over your medium-sized trashcan fire; reduce heat by raising the ashtray and let simmer until tender, or your atrophied arm tires. If a denser mixture is desired, thicken with sweater pills. Sprinkle with other pocket flotsam such as paper clips, stale gum, crumpled sub prime mortgage and divorce papers, devalued currency and shredded credit cards. Serve as an appetizer or a delicious side dish for that non-nutritive fullness. (Note: May cause choking or mechanical bowel obstruction.) Bon appetit!

Cat-sup: Meals on paws!
Ingredients: Feral or domestic cats
Preparation: PETA isn’t going to put food on the table. Luckily the streets are teeming with neglected, lean and low-cal options! Simply bludgeon the animal of your choice with the nearest available blunt object—rocks, malt liquor bottles and lengths of rebar are optimal. Take care to avoid the claws and teeth (without healthcare, the smallest injury could prove fatal). Skin and clean the carcass, and cook to your specifications. Using your blunt object as a pestle, grind the brain, kidneys and intestines into a spreadable topping, bloodying it for the preferred consistency. Or, brown the meat and cook it in the cat stock for a feline fricassee.
Tip: A shaved tail adds a unique savor to stews and sauces. The whole family will be meowing for more!

B & E Special: Jean Valjean’s life-ruining meal!
Ingredients: Other people’s food.
Preparations: The Break & Eat is not for everyone. It requires skill, speed and bravery. Simply smash into a grocery store, corner shop or home and dash with the nutritious and delicious booty. (Some chefs add money, jewelry and electronics to this dish—variety’s the spice of life!)

Alco-salsa: You can’t spell seviche without v-i-c-e!
Ingredients: Sardines, St. Ides, crab grass, prescription medication
Preparation: When your food lacks color and digestible elements, you can’t afford to sacrifice flavor or remain lucid. With your hobo blade, dice sardines and crab grass, and stir together in an overturned hubcap. In a separate hubcap, mash your choice of prescription pills, heeding or ignoring Heath Ledger’s example as you wish, and whisk in St. Ides. Combine all ingredients and serve as a condiment with your favorite meal, or as an appetizer with communion wafers.

Stimulus Checks Mix: America’s quick-fix snack mix!
Ingredients: Wholesale allotments of low-grade kibble, suet, livestock feed, other crude protein
Preparation: As the Good Book says: “[M]an hath no preeminence above a beast.” Your paltry government assistance will go farther if you stoop lower. Simply combine ingredients in a large bowl and enjoy on all fours with your pets. Makes an excellent stuffing for your Cat-sup.

Feces Pieces: Waste not, want not!
Ingredients: Undigested foodstuffs
Preparation: E.T. may have turned up his freeloading, persnickety alien nose at this suggestion, but you don’t have the luxury of prodigality or space travel. Simply pick through your stool for anything you may not have digested. Rinse thoroughly, reheat and enjoy. Everything’s better the second time around!
Tip: Serve in dust bowl and garnish with grapes of wrath for best allusion.

CHECK OUR JUNE ISSUE FOR DEPRESSION DIPS & SHANTY SPRUCE UPS!



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