Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
Here’s a hint, Pisces: If a magazine makes you feel ugly and inadequate,
maybe you shouldn’t renew your subscription. Try Harper’s.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Good thing there’s a second amendment, Aries, otherwise you couldn’t
own the gun you need to protect yourself from all the maniacs out there
wielding... guns. You’re indirectly responsible for 32,000 deaths
a year, Aries.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
It’s a shame you suffer from crippling feelings of sexual inadequacy,
Taurus, but it’s hard to see how that’s Hillary Clinton’s
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you met a guy, Gemini, and the first thing he did was lick your hand,
and then he ran around your apartment knocking shit over and peeing on
your rug, pausing briefly to inhale an egg roll off your coffee table,
how long would it take you to throw him the fuck out? I hate your dog,
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If you wanted to work where the air wasn’t thick with dangerous
chemicals, Cancer, you shouldn’t have gone into journalism. Now
get to work; those T-shirts won’t print themselves.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
There’s no question that warrantless wiretapping and telecom immunity
are vital to winning the war on terror, Leo, just as you were arguing
on the phone last night. The NSA official listening to your call agreed
with you unreservedly.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Just to clear things up, Virgo: George Orwell wrote Animal Farm and
1984. Orson Welles made Citizen Kane and did the famous panic-inducing
radio version of War of the Worlds, which was written by H.G. Wells.
None of these three are the same person. In other news, Jerry O’Connell
is not Jason Bateman. Pay attention, Virgo.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Connoisseurship is the thinnest of veils, Libra. Any drink that explodes
when ignited is not “fine.”
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
I’m glad you had a great Valentine’s day, Scorpio, but it’s
probably a good idea to let your “beau” out of the cage in
your basement. Just drop him off in the desert.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Glass is technically a liquid, Sagittarius, but it’s still not a
good idea to throw balloons full of it at your friends on hot summer days.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Capricorn, the real reason you want to beat up Jude Law is that he gives
you a boner. Be honest with yourself, Capricorn.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Aquarius, you will meet a beautiful woman at a bar on your next trip out
of town, and she will come back to your room for a passionate romantic
encounter. Afterwards, she will charge you a hundred dollars. Still later,
you will give your wife herpes. Don’t fight the custody settlement,