Beast Banner April 2008
ISSUE #125
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Features

ArrowThe Icewoman Cometh
An actual BEAST report from Ohio
Ian Murphy & Paul Jones

ArrowLast Tangle in Persia
This time, it's demented
Allan Uthman

ArrowCastle of the Darned
Embracing your inner orc
Michael J. Smith

ArrowStop Blaming Ralph
The Nadir of Democratic Credibility
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThank Heaven for 7-11
Democracy rots from the inside out as a nation of telemarketers and war criminals parties on amid the stench
Joe Bageant

ArrowTriumph of the White Man
"We win again!"
Stan Goff

ArrowApathy Victorious in Iraq!
Millions of Americans Indifferent
Steve Gordon

Faux-tures

ArrowFrom the desks of Alan Schwartz, CEO of Bear Sterns and James Dimon, Chief Executive of JP Morgan
A joint message of hope

ArrowBEAST '08 Presidential Campaign Issue Cards
Play them, or be accused of it anyway!

ArrowThe Wright Stuff
The true story behind Obama's pastor problem
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe BEAST Field Guide to Endangered Voters
Know your demographic strata!

ArrowThe BEAST Campaign Cliché Top 20
Which lazy metaphors are hitting this month?

ArrowA Final Farewell
I'm in a more appropriate place
William F. Buckley Jr.

ArrowThis Just In: You're a Jackass
A Personal News Exclusive
Stone Rockman

ArrowTop 10 Signs the U.S. Economy is Collapsing
Leading indicators of your financial ruin

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Disturbing Senatorial Neck Bulge

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

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Mesh Cap Hickadee

Habitat: Double-wides, truck stops, family court
Diet: Skoal, methamphetamines, Coors light
Distinguishing Features: Fertility, blank stare, wide screen TV, firearms

A survivor that depends on numbers rather than wits, the Mesh Cap has become a dominant species throughout middle America by adapting to its flat, arid monotony. Known to belligerently defend its territory from foreign races and encroaching rationalism, The Mesh Cap is to be approached with caution, and invariably votes against its own economic interests.


 

Mexican Im-Egret

Habitat: Sweatshops, yachts, restaurant kitchens, Mitt Romney’s lawn
Diet: Pesticides, hostility, grass clippings
Distinguishing Features: Self-destructive work ethic, illiteracy, lack of proper ID

The Im-Egret spends its days toiling anonymously for less than half what the Hickabee requires. After a backbreaking day picking berries in the sun, this beleaguered species retreats to its nest in the shadows of American commerce, remaining hidden from its natural predator, the the Ruby-Throated Dobbs. Due to its stressful routine and lack of rudimentary education, the Im-Egret exhibits no discernible voting pattern, but has displayed an aversion to the African-American Warbler.


 

Log Cabin Asspecker

Habitat: Fire Island, unstable nuclear families, seminaries
Diet: White wine, panini, showtunes, penises
Distinguishing Features: Immaculate attire, contempt for the poor, self-denial

The Asspecker is a strange bird indeed. Remarkable for its strident denunciation of its own mating habits, in what naturalists speculate is a confusing attempt to throw its predators off its scent, the Asspecker thrives where its lowly cousin, the Unabashed Homo, dare not tread. Paradoxically, the more successful it becomes, the more likely the Asspecker’s ruse is to be undone, in a grotesque and dreadfully embarrassing public spectacle, resulting in an awkward televised resignation and apology to its aggrieved spouse.


 

Mythical Floridian Black

Habitat: Low-income housing, prisons, morgues
Diet: Malt liquor, menthol cigarettes, manganese
Distinguishing Features: Systemic oppression, unemployment, powerlessness

Thought by many to be a long-extinct species or perhaps a native legend, the Floridian Black is still rumored to exist in areas of Jacksonville and Tallahassee. Sadly, unconfirmed sightings indicate the Black to be malnourished and in a state of near total disenfranchisement.



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