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ISSUE #125
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Features

ArrowThe Icewoman Cometh
An actual BEAST report from Ohio
Ian Murphy & Paul Jones

ArrowLast Tangle in Persia
This time, it's demented
Allan Uthman

ArrowCastle of the Darned
Embracing your inner orc
Michael J. Smith

ArrowStop Blaming Ralph
The Nadir of Democratic Credibility
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThank Heaven for 7-11
Democracy rots from the inside out as a nation of telemarketers and war criminals parties on amid the stench
Joe Bageant

ArrowTriumph of the White Man
"We win again!"
Stan Goff

ArrowApathy Victorious in Iraq!
Millions of Americans Indifferent
Steve Gordon

Faux-tures

ArrowFrom the desks of Alan Schwartz, CEO of Bear Sterns and James Dimon, Chief Executive of JP Morgan
A joint message of hope

ArrowBEAST '08 Presidential Campaign Issue Cards
Play them, or be accused of it anyway!

ArrowThe Wright Stuff
The true story behind Obama's pastor problem
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe BEAST Field Guide to Endangered Voters
Know your demographic strata!

ArrowThe BEAST Campaign Cliché Top 20
Which lazy metaphors are hitting this month?

ArrowA Final Farewell
I'm in a more appropriate place
William F. Buckley Jr.

ArrowThis Just In: You're a Jackass
A Personal News Exclusive
Stone Rockman

ArrowTop 10 Signs the U.S. Economy is Collapsing
Leading indicators of your financial ruin

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Disturbing Senatorial Neck Bulge

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

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The Forbidden Kingdom

Jackie Chan and Jet Li—together for the first time! You’ll buy the whole seat but you’ll only need the edge!!!

Here’s how this one’s going to go down for me: I’ll admit The Forbidden Kingdom looks good. The trailer’s got Chan in some nappy dreads and Jet Li speaking the best English I’ve heard come out of his mouth in my life. It’s got all the pizzazz of the series of eloquent Asian drama/martial arts movies started by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and none of the subtitles. I don’t mind subtitles, but when 75% of your movie viewing takes place after midnight all that extra reading seriously decreases your chances of making it to the credits. Chan and Li seem to play well off each other in the trailer, blending the former’s more slapstick style of martial arts and the latter’s “don’t you even fucking look at me or I’ll straight-up murder you”style.

The Forbidden Kingdom throws in what looks like is going to be a shitload of computer-generated effects, ensuring a visual smorgasbord, but there’s also a dumb white kid who doesn’t know his dick from a skin tag to somehow culturally ground (a term some shitbag studio exec in all likelihood used) the movie. Kind of like anti-comic relief. Let’s go with quality relief, or ethnic relief. I’ve got my own vernacular. I’m guessing the plot will flagellate dust and asbestos and the only two standing will be Chan and Li in a duel to the death.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take ‘em both and there you have me recording The Forbidden Kingdom on my DVR this time next year. It looks good, but not good enough to get my ass off the couch and out in public to see it. Based on this trailer I’ll probably watch it within a week, but Hollywoodland’s been on my DVR since October and I was vaguely excited when I saw that one was on.

Next: Forgetting Sarah Marshall
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More Trailer Reviews:
Leatherheads
Nim's Island
Prom Night
88 Minutes
Baby Mama
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Street Kings



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