Beast Banner April 2008
ISSUE #125
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Features

ArrowThe Icewoman Cometh
An actual BEAST report from Ohio
Ian Murphy & Paul Jones

ArrowLast Tangle in Persia
This time, it's demented
Allan Uthman

ArrowCastle of the Darned
Embracing your inner orc
Michael J. Smith

ArrowStop Blaming Ralph
The Nadir of Democratic Credibility
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThank Heaven for 7-11
Democracy rots from the inside out as a nation of telemarketers and war criminals parties on amid the stench
Joe Bageant

ArrowTriumph of the White Man
"We win again!"
Stan Goff

ArrowApathy Victorious in Iraq!
Millions of Americans Indifferent
Steve Gordon

Faux-tures

ArrowFrom the desks of Alan Schwartz, CEO of Bear Sterns and James Dimon, Chief Executive of JP Morgan
A joint message of hope

ArrowBEAST '08 Presidential Campaign Issue Cards
Play them, or be accused of it anyway!

ArrowThe Wright Stuff
The true story behind Obama's pastor problem
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe BEAST Field Guide to Endangered Voters
Know your demographic strata!

ArrowThe BEAST Campaign Cliché Top 20
Which lazy metaphors are hitting this month?

ArrowA Final Farewell
I'm in a more appropriate place
William F. Buckley Jr.

ArrowThis Just In: You're a Jackass
A Personal News Exclusive
Stone Rockman

ArrowTop 10 Signs the U.S. Economy is Collapsing
Leading indicators of your financial ruin

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Disturbing Senatorial Neck Bulge

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

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Prom Night

There’s a certain formula you’ve got to follow when remaking a mediocre R-rated 70s/80s horror movie as a PG-13 cinematic abortion for a new generation. Let’s adapt this for a movie about an escaped lunatic hunting prom-going high school students:

You throw in a shitty remake of a Cyndi Lauper song that made you cringe to begin with. Some sensitive emo band whose second ball never dropped should do wonders for that. Those high notes will be a real treat.

You toss in some skanky bitches/fledgling actresses who clearly aren’t meant for close-ups. Make sure one of them’s black, but make sure her boyfriend’s black too. Send said hookers to the beauty parlor (beauty parlor? What am I, 58? Who wants a Werther’s Original?) talking about how they’re going to give up their respective lady flowers to Billy, Chad or Troy.

Get some shots of the prom pictures. Make sure the creepy goth kids are in there. You know, because the goth kids always go to prom—they want so much to fit in. They would never hang out in the graveyard instead! Get drunk on stolen cheap booze from one of their single mothers’ closets? Never! Holding some kind of séance or casting some goofy spell on that cheerleader cow while listening to Dead Can Dance? Bah! And while we’re at it, let’s dismiss the notion of these pasty, misunderstood creatures of the night fucking their boyfriend or girlfriend on a grave while they cut each other and drink their blood after leaving several repugnant hickeys. You can cast that idea right out of your sick, judgmental mind!

But you must not, I repeat must not forget the escaped psycho killer stalking these kids in the unrealistically lavish hotel conveniently located upstairs from where the prom is being held. You do that and we might as well add you to that body count! Somehow the attractive teenagers get locked in the hotel and get picked off one by one. It’s all very nice and next thing you know, you’ve got the theater manager in a headlock until you get your money back.

Next: 88 Minutes
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More Trailer Reviews:

Leatherheads
Nim's Island
The Forbidden Kingdom
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Baby Mama
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Street Kings

 



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