Beast Banner April 2008
ISSUE #125
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Features

ArrowThe Icewoman Cometh
An actual BEAST report from Ohio
Ian Murphy & Paul Jones

ArrowLast Tangle in Persia
This time, it's demented
Allan Uthman

ArrowCastle of the Darned
Embracing your inner orc
Michael J. Smith

ArrowStop Blaming Ralph
The Nadir of Democratic Credibility
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThank Heaven for 7-11
Democracy rots from the inside out as a nation of telemarketers and war criminals parties on amid the stench
Joe Bageant

ArrowTriumph of the White Man
"We win again!"
Stan Goff

ArrowApathy Victorious in Iraq!
Millions of Americans Indifferent
Steve Gordon

Faux-tures

ArrowFrom the desks of Alan Schwartz, CEO of Bear Sterns and James Dimon, Chief Executive of JP Morgan
A joint message of hope

ArrowBEAST '08 Presidential Campaign Issue Cards
Play them, or be accused of it anyway!

ArrowThe Wright Stuff
The true story behind Obama's pastor problem
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe BEAST Field Guide to Endangered Voters
Know your demographic strata!

ArrowThe BEAST Campaign Cliché Top 20
Which lazy metaphors are hitting this month?

ArrowA Final Farewell
I'm in a more appropriate place
William F. Buckley Jr.

ArrowThis Just In: You're a Jackass
A Personal News Exclusive
Stone Rockman

ArrowTop 10 Signs the U.S. Economy is Collapsing
Leading indicators of your financial ruin

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Disturbing Senatorial Neck Bulge

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

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The BEAST Page 5 Disturbing Senatorial Neck Bulge

Name: Bill Bradley’s neck

Turn-ons: Bullfrogs, tight-fitting collars, basketball-playing presidential candidates, reruns of “The White Shadow”

Turn-offs: Superdelegates, neck snobs, plastic surgeons, people who stare

How I got to be the BEAST Page 5 Disturbing Senatorial Neck Bulge: I’m not really sure—what am I, a goiter or something? Maybe I’m just natural excess of skin? A consequence of the pituitary anomalies that create men of NBA height? Whatever I am, my unmentionably off-putting appearance may have been enough to tip the balance for Gore to win the nomination in 2000, and I’m certainly not doing much to help Obama now. Seriously, how can this guy walk around with me hanging off his head, and expect everyone not to mention it? If a neck stands out among the wizened, drooping wattles of “Meet the Press,” it’s time to call a medic.

Future plans: For the immediate future, I’ll be haunting the dreams of an 8-year-old child in Erie, PA, who imagines me to be brimming with neuroparasitic insectoid aliens, waiting to be vomited forth at Obama’s inauguration. Beyond that, I plan to continue my work distracting people from whatever former senator Bradley may actually be talking about.

How I’d like to be remembered: As the inspiration for the “neck sleeve,” a fashion trend that will become de rigeur among aging public figures over the next few years.



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