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The true story behind Obama’s pastor problem
By Allan Uthman

(A cell phone blares “Loose Booty” by Funkadelic. Reverend Jeremiah Wright answers.)

Reverend Jeremiah Wright: Hello?

Barack Obama: Hi Rev.

Wright: Barack, my man! What’s going on?

Obama: Well, you know how it is. Listen Rev, we gotta talk.

Wright: Oh, I know what this is about. I seen it on the TV.

Obama: Yeah, well...

Wright: Look, man, if you’ve got to, you know, distance yourself from me—

Obama: Just for the duration of the campaign, you understand.

Wright: No, no, I get it, Barack, I get it. You go ahead and say whatever you got to, son.

Obama: Thanks for being so understanding. Hey listen, while I’ve got you...

Wright: Yes?

Obama: Nah, never mind.

Wright: No, come on now, you tell me what’s on your mind, son.

Obama: Well... do you really think AIDS was created by the U.S. Government?

Wright: Absolutely. Why?

Obama: Really. AIDS was created by the—

Wright: To kill black people. Yes indeed.

Obama: Seriously.

Wright: Mmm-hmm.

Obama: No kidding.

Wright: I wouldn’t kid about something like that.

(Long pause.)

Obama: And what do you base that belief on?

Wright: Well, AIDS kills more blacks than whites, don’t it?

Obama: Well... yeah, but it’s not like sickle-cell. I mean, white people get AIDS all the time.

Wright: So?

Obama: So, don’t you think that if the CIA or whoever were going to design a disease specifically to kill black people, it would work better than AIDS?

Wright: Work better?

Obama: You know, it’d kill only blacks, and it would be more easily communicable, and would probably take less than a decade to kill someone. I mean, look at Magic Johnson. Magic Johnson can beat a CIA super-virus? He couldn’t even beat Larry Bird!

Wright: He beat the Celtics!

Obama: That was Kareem all the way and you know it. I mean, come on, man, you know you have no evidence. AIDS was a fucked up mutant retrovirus that Africans got from monkeys.

Wright: I’m disappointed in you my brother. Believing the white man’s lies about savage niggers having sex with monkeys.

Obama: Having sex? I never said—

Wright: Oh, you don’t have to say it brother, the meaning is implied.

Obama: I really can’t believe this shit. All this bullshit just because an atheist can’t get elected to so much as a fucking school board in this country.

Wright: Atheist?

Obama: You’re damn right I’m an atheist, you dumb motherfucker. But oh, I gotta go into politics, so I gotta go to some stupid church, pretend I’m a goddamn simpleton for the stupid voters. So hell, what church do I go to, right? The big one! The one all my constituents go to. After all, they’re all bullshit, what possible difference could it make? Shit. It’s bad enough people are calling me a Muslim—now I gotta deal with this Professor Griff bullshit?

Wright: I cannot believe what I’m hearing.

Obama: Can’t believe it, huh? Think about it, Rev—what makes me so different from all your other members? I’ll tell you what: I’m smart. I can speak English, for one, and I didn’t get my sense of the world from watching “The Jeffersons.”

Wright: Oh shit!

Obama: You heard me. My parents were both atheists, so I guess I’m just a chip off the old block.

Wright: That’s where you’re getting this—your white devil mama!

Obama: Don’t you talk about my mother, now.

Wright: Son, I can see now that I’ve failed you.

Obama: You sure have. What do you think you’re doing anyway? How do you think you’re helping people by filling their heads with this bullshit? Yeah, that’s really going to fill the community with hope, telling them the government is inventing new diseases to kill them. And “god damn America”--good one there, Rev.

Wright: Have you forgotten what they did to us? Brought us here in chains?

Obama: Well, then why the fuck aren’t you in Africa, Rev? I’ll tell you why: Africa’s a shit hole. You ever been? Believe me, Chicago’s a damn paradise compared to that shit.

Wright: Look, I don’t know what to tell you, man. You should have run as an atheist.

Obama: Now you’re talking. I guess this really is my own fault.

Wright: It’s good to take responsibility for you own—

Obama: Shut up, dumb-ass. I’ve got to go. I have a feeling Michelle’s about to say some shit about how she’s ashamed to be American again. Fuck, I can’t catch a break with you people.

Wright: Barack, I hope in time you’ll come to see—

(Obama hangs up.)

Wright: Motherfucker! Damn!

(Reverend Wright dials out.)

Hillary Clinton: Hillary here.

Wright: He just told me he’s an atheist.

Clinton: Oh. Oh, that’s good. That’s very good.

Wright: Wait, now you’re an atheist too?

Clinton: No—well, yes, but what I mean is it’s a good tip. You’re really helping the campaign a lot here, Reverend. I won’t forget this.

Wright: See that you don’t.

Clinton: Don’t you worry, Reverend. We’ll take care of you.

(Call ends.)