Beast Banner April 2008
ISSUE #125
Issue 122 Cover Small
Last Issue Archives Blog Comix
Web BEAST Blog
 
Contact Download PDF RSS Subscribe Advertise

Fuck the whales, save the BEAST - Donate now!

Features

ArrowThe Icewoman Cometh
An actual BEAST report from Ohio
Ian Murphy & Paul Jones

ArrowLast Tangle in Persia
This time, it's demented
Allan Uthman

ArrowCastle of the Darned
Embracing your inner orc
Michael J. Smith

ArrowStop Blaming Ralph
The Nadir of Democratic Credibility
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThank Heaven for 7-11
Democracy rots from the inside out as a nation of telemarketers and war criminals parties on amid the stench
Joe Bageant

ArrowTriumph of the White Man
"We win again!"
Stan Goff

ArrowApathy Victorious in Iraq!
Millions of Americans Indifferent
Steve Gordon

Faux-tures

ArrowFrom the desks of Alan Schwartz, CEO of Bear Sterns and James Dimon, Chief Executive of JP Morgan
A joint message of hope

ArrowBEAST '08 Presidential Campaign Issue Cards
Play them, or be accused of it anyway!

ArrowThe Wright Stuff
The true story behind Obama's pastor problem
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe BEAST Field Guide to Endangered Voters
Know your demographic strata!

ArrowThe BEAST Campaign Cliché Top 20
Which lazy metaphors are hitting this month?

ArrowA Final Farewell
I'm in a more appropriate place
William F. Buckley Jr.

ArrowThis Just In: You're a Jackass
A Personal News Exclusive
Stone Rockman

ArrowTop 10 Signs the U.S. Economy is Collapsing
Leading indicators of your financial ruin

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Disturbing Senatorial Neck Bulge

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

Ads - Click on these
& we get money!

 

Textbook125x125

Banner 10000035button

Banner button

button

button

 

The true story behind Obama’s pastor problem
By Allan Uthman

 

(A cell phone blares “Loose Booty” by Funkadelic. Reverend Jeremiah Wright answers.)

Reverend Jeremiah Wright: Hello?

Barack Obama: Hi Rev.

Wright: Barack, my man! What’s going on?

Obama: Well, you know how it is. Listen Rev, we gotta talk.

Wright: Oh, I know what this is about. I seen it on the TV.

Obama: Yeah, well...

Wright: Look, man, if you’ve got to, you know, distance yourself from me—

Obama: Just for the duration of the campaign, you understand.

Wright: No, no, I get it, Barack, I get it. You go ahead and say whatever you got to, son.

Obama: Thanks for being so understanding. Hey listen, while I’ve got you...

Wright: Yes?

Obama: Nah, never mind.

Wright: No, come on now, you tell me what’s on your mind, son.

Obama: Well... do you really think AIDS was created by the U.S. Government?

Wright: Absolutely. Why?

Obama: Really. AIDS was created by the—

Wright: To kill black people. Yes indeed.

Obama: Seriously.

Wright: Mmm-hmm.

Obama: No kidding.

Wright: I wouldn’t kid about something like that.

(Long pause.)

Obama: And what do you base that belief on?

Wright: Well, AIDS kills more blacks than whites, don’t it?

Obama: Well... yeah, but it’s not like sickle-cell. I mean, white people get AIDS all the time.

Wright: So?

Obama: So, don’t you think that if the CIA or whoever were going to design a disease specifically to kill black people, it would work better than AIDS?

Wright: Work better?

Obama: You know, it’d kill only blacks, and it would be more easily communicable, and would probably take less than a decade to kill someone. I mean, look at Magic Johnson. Magic Johnson can beat a CIA super-virus? He couldn’t even beat Larry Bird!

Wright: He beat the Celtics!

Obama: That was Kareem all the way and you know it. I mean, come on, man, you know you have no evidence. AIDS was a fucked up mutant retrovirus that Africans got from monkeys.

Wright: I’m disappointed in you my brother. Believing the white man’s lies about savage niggers having sex with monkeys.

Obama: Having sex? I never said—

Wright: Oh, you don’t have to say it brother, the meaning is implied.

Obama: I really can’t believe this shit. All this bullshit just because an atheist can’t get elected to so much as a fucking school board in this country.

Wright: Atheist?

Obama: You’re damn right I’m an atheist, you dumb motherfucker. But oh, I gotta go into politics, so I gotta go to some stupid church, pretend I’m a goddamn simpleton for the stupid voters. So hell, what church do I go to, right? The big one! The one all my constituents go to. After all, they’re all bullshit, what possible difference could it make? Shit. It’s bad enough people are calling me a Muslim—now I gotta deal with this Professor Griff bullshit?

Wright: I cannot believe what I’m hearing.

Obama: Can’t believe it, huh? Think about it, Rev—what makes me so different from all your other members? I’ll tell you what: I’m smart. I can speak English, for one, and I didn’t get my sense of the world from watching “The Jeffersons.”

Wright: Oh shit!

Obama: You heard me. My parents were both atheists, so I guess I’m just a chip off the old block.

Wright: That’s where you’re getting this—your white devil mama!

Obama: Don’t you talk about my mother, now.

Wright: Son, I can see now that I’ve failed you.

Obama: You sure have. What do you think you’re doing anyway? How do you think you’re helping people by filling their heads with this bullshit? Yeah, that’s really going to fill the community with hope, telling them the government is inventing new diseases to kill them. And “god damn America”--good one there, Rev.

Wright: Have you forgotten what they did to us? Brought us here in chains?

Obama: Well, then why the fuck aren’t you in Africa, Rev? I’ll tell you why: Africa’s a shit hole. You ever been? Believe me, Chicago’s a damn paradise compared to that shit.

Wright: Look, I don’t know what to tell you, man. You should have run as an atheist.

Obama: Now you’re talking. I guess this really is my own fault.

Wright: It’s good to take responsibility for you own—

Obama: Shut up, dumb-ass. I’ve got to go. I have a feeling Michelle’s about to say some shit about how she’s ashamed to be American again. Fuck, I can’t catch a break with you people.

Wright: Barack, I hope in time you’ll come to see—

(Obama hangs up.)

Wright: Motherfucker! Damn!

(Reverend Wright dials out.)

Hillary Clinton: Hillary here.

Wright: He just told me he’s an atheist.

Clinton: Oh. Oh, that’s good. That’s very good.

Wright: Wait, now you’re an atheist too?

Clinton: No—well, yes, but what I mean is it’s a good tip. You’re really helping the campaign a lot here, Reverend. I won’t forget this.

Wright: See that you don’t.

Clinton: Don’t you worry, Reverend. We’ll take care of you.

(Call ends.)



send your ill-informed ravings to us here
Affiliate Sponsors
MotoSport, Inc.|Netflix DVD Rentals. NO LATE FEES; Free Shipping. Try for FREE! | music123.com | Direct2Drive
T-Shirts only $14.99 when you buy 3 or more at CCS.com | Shutterfly.com | LinkShare Referral Prg
© Copyright 2002-2008, The Beast. All rights reserved.