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Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You know what Hillary Clinton does to relax, Aries? Organize her closets. Seriously. You’re voting for a maniac, Aries.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
The reason you find yourself yearning for your spouse’s inferior friend is simple unavailability, Taurus. There’s nothing quite as lackluster as that we already possess.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’re wrong to call the President a dictator, Gemini. It’s really more of a monarchical situation.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What motivated Elliot Spitzer to risk his career and reputation for high priced hookers? I’ve psychically linked with him, Cancer, and I have the answer: He was horny.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
I know you think you’re brightening your friends, family members, associates, and brief acquaintances by forwarding them every stupid joke, urban legend, “inspirational” story, and cute cat photo you come across in your routine and pointless perusals of the internet, Leo, but you’re actually a minor burden to them all.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Virgo, I’m disappointed in your performance as headline editor at a major tabloid. I mean, “Ho No?” Come on, Virgo. How about “Elliot Phone Ho?” I mean, it’s funny, and it refers to a primary element of the case against him. You could even work E.T. Into the cover graphic. “Ho No?” You’re a hack, Virgo.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Stop shaving your head, Libra. We all know you’re bald, but now you look like a salamander.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
So let me get this straight, Scorpio: You see a beautiful, classy woman, have a stimulating conversation with her, and you want to hump her shoes? I mean, whatever floats your boat, but you have to admit that is pretty weird.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
“In the end, Spitzer’s own actions may have taken himself down.” That’s what a reporter just said on CNN, Sagittarius. “May have?” The moral of the story is that you rise in your profession when you master the art of never saying anything concrete.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Did you know they dye the Chicago river green for St. Patrick’s Day, Capricorn? Well, they do. Most of the fish are against it, but hey, if they can’t organize a decent lobby, they have no right to complain.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
This subprime mortgage crisis is pretty rough, Aquarius, but don’t you worry: The banks will be fine. Our benevolent government is bailing them out, so they’ll manage to keep their heads above water. And hey, a lot of people would love to live in such a roomy refrigerator box. Get a job, Aquarius.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
It’s not that he doesn’t think it’s sexy to lick food off of you, Pisces. You just shouldn’t have used Vegemite. Australians are strange, Pisces.
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