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10. Bush administration reluctantly reverses abstinence-only policy, permits corporate sponsor Trojan Condoms to cover Washington Monument with giant rubber.

9. Major film studios void contracts of major stars, casting all roles with sacks of surplus corn discounted from government-subsidized farms.

8. Jim Cramer squirts blood from his eyes.

7. Long-forgotten “small” size returns to fast food, clothing industries

6. Rising price of Champagne forces hip-hop artists to adopt the McShake as the preferred ho-dousing beverage.

5. Government accepts offer from Toho Company, Ltd. to purchase Lincoln Memorial, agrees to sandblast President into Godzilla.

4. Monster.com flooded with postings for sharecroppers.

3. Illegal immigrants bypassing Rio Grande, opting to swim Pacific Ocean directly to Canada.

2. USDA releases revised Food Pyramid, extolling the benefits of a diet “rich in hallucinogens.”

1. Asian tourists to America now vacationing in U-Hauls.